Boundaries in Relationships: Setting and Maintaining ThemJan 14, 2022
Hi everyone, and welcome to this episode of the pacer method with Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes. We discuss limits in this episode, we are going to define what limits describe the five types of limits and their impact on our health. I discuss four limit laws, examine three types of limit violators, and finally explore limit exercise to strengthen weak limits, so what are limits? Basically,
boundariesare ways we behave that teach people the types of behavior we will and will not tolerate. like a door to your safe space, you have this boundary, and you can choose to acknowledge someone who knocks on the door or let
themin, we have many different types of
boundaries, our physical boundaries represent our personal space, our preferences for eye contact our preferences by touch and this includes our sexual preferences in terms of what we want to do and what is comfortable for us affects The Boundaries of Life reflect our feelings and our ability to empathize with others without being consumed.
If we have empathy, we can experience what another person is experiencing, for example, we can walk a mile in their shoes, but we can step out of their shoes, we recognize where we end and they begin, where our feelings, needs and desires end. they begin so that we can step away from an intense situation and not be consumed by other people's feelings. Cognitive limits represent our ability to hold our beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions without thinking. We have to change to accommodate other people's idea of what the correct environmental limits are. it's quite simple, it's your space, even your time that you choose to share with other people, and relationship boundaries represent who you choose to spend your time with when you have healthy boundaries you feel more secure, more supported, and more self-aware what what your thoughts want and because you are not constantly bombarded by the wants and needs of everyone's thoughts, you tend to be more relaxed, w that helps you sleep better and improves your immunity, high stress, low immunity, low stress, high immunity . things that are affective or emotional you will be less likely to be less anxious, depressed and happier if you sleep better if you feel more secure if you are supported you know it sounds like a good place to be cognitively.
Can you think more clearly if you don't have a lot of other people whining and telling you how to think and what to do and all that other stuff? it's easier to identify your own thoughts and think more clearly when you're rested it's easier to think more clearly because your brain removes all debris from the day before into the environment you feel more secure when you have healthy boundaries if you don't that people violate your boundaries, or that you don't feel isolated because you feel like everyone is outside of you, and that relationally you have more energy and desire to identify healthy
relationshipsand nurture and sustain
Start to realize that you are not one, either people stay away or everyone goes in, there is a middle ground where you can choose to let the healthy people in and keep the sick people out. Let's talk about some laws of limits. While boundaries need to be reassessed regularly, sometimes we realize we're keeping guidelines too strict, keeping people too far away, not listening to their perspectives, or even wanting to hear them. it prevents us from getting what we want in life and having the life we want so if we keep the door closed and refuse to empathize refuse to listen to other people refuse to have contact with other people we want to examine our motivation not to allowing them, we are afraid that they will hurt us, we have low self-esteem and we are afraid that they will not want to date us anyway, you know what motivates us to love other people to stay away and refuse to listen to them, what we now fear at the other end of the spectrum for people who let everyone into you will find that if you do, there is no place for you and you get other people's ideas and thoughts and how things should be done, and your sense of self , your hobbies, your desires, your desires, what makes you happy disappears because you are overwhelmed with all the garbage that other people bring and leave in your space, examine your motivations if you are one of those who have from to Make everyone in you tend to have poor limits, you do it because you are afraid of feeling alone, you fear abandonment or rejection, maybe you do it because you do not want to set limits because you In confrontation some people do it because they are afraid if no What don't these people have in their life, if they set boundaries that will cease to exist if I'm not so-and-so's best friend if I'm not an employee in this place if I'm not that one, if I'm not, then I don't know what I am or what I stand for and it's really scary and sometimes people let everyone in because they've been taught that it's not okay to say no or disagree so let them feel guilty if they put limits so It is important to look at the limits and remember that your limits will be different with different people, but with each person look at the limits and ask yourself: Does this limit help me to be healthy and happy, or prevents me from doing so, either because I keep them too far, or because I allow too many people, or I leave this person and it is harmful and it is violating my boundaries; you have the power to choose who you let in and if you can refuse to save or allow immature or hurtful behavior if someone is angry if they are angry and insist you change or what you have it doesn't mean you shouldn't change, their ideas change their thoughts that you can hold the door, you may know that you need to get out of the situation completely; you don't have to let them in, you don't have to listen to verbal abuse if they act immature with your physical space again.
You have the ability to set your boundaries and choose how you respond, and this may mean closing the door by moving away from the person's presence so they are not in danger of violating your boundaries, keeping them out, refusing to have conversations about hot topics, and I have some family members who are very passionate about specific topics and these are topics that we don't discuss because they can't gain other people's views or respect if the people on the topics insist that everyone think and believe what they do, or no, and he tends to get offensive very quickly if you don't agree with the topics, so you know that people in general are very safe 99% of the time as long as the specific topics don't come up, and if they do, it's important to have an escape plan, so to speak, but generally you just want the door to close, you don't even want to open it where there might be a problem because you know with that person that you don't agree.
I'm sorry about the specific topic and it's not safe to go there with people you don't know or with people who have misbehaved in the past and your boundaries violated and are still violating your boundaries, even if it caught their attention, if they think that if you think that they have changed, you can start to build trust for the moment, and it's like going through the screen door with them to talk, you know you Close your ear dear you don't hear anything, they say you don't see them, you don't hear them at all with the screen door , you're willing to listen to what they say but you're not sure if you're going to take it no so you're willing to know that they can start reaching out to you for now and see if they can respect your boundaries and then you can invite them to people where you trust, just because someone walks in doesn't mean you can't take them away, you are responsible for protecting the sanctity of your personal space, so it's important to remember that if you see someone violating your physical space, you can Tell him to go away if he doesn't know. you can feel safe if you violate your emotional space, or your mind to tell yourself how to think or how to feel that you know it is important to be able to protect yourself and that you recognize it well; these are my thoughts and feelings and i don't have to change them for anyone i can choose to change them if i want but i don't have to and you can set the line and if the person doesn't if you don't like it and you're still a bully it's important to find out how you're doing to react now, you are responsible to other people but not to them, which means you are responsible to be kind, it is your responsibility to treat others. how you want to be treated, but you're not responsible for how they react, so if you don't agree with something, you know it, so that the other person gets mad because you don't agree with it, or you get mad because I'm not in I disagree with you, but it's not your responsibility to manage their emotions for them once they're angry or scared or whatever, it's their responsibility to figure out how to manage their own emotions, everyone is responsible for how they react in situations, remember that you don't you can change other people, but you can give your perspective. deal with that and in recovery we often refer to this: take what's helpful and leave the rest, and you know that over the years I've met a lot of people, gotten a lot of advice and a lot of perspectives from people, and some of it I took, and it was very helpful to others, who I disagreed with and you know I don't put the person down for having their perspective, but it doesn't suit me, and that's where the line is. go in if you want people to respect your limits, you must respect their limits; so be proactive communicate your boundaries and don't expect people to read your mind tell them what your boundaries are regarding touch or feelings if you cross your boundaries which you know is important to tell some people if they are someone they see what is unhappy You know his friends aren't happy, they want to make him better, and they may have the best intentions when they tell you to cheer up, or it's not that bad, and it's very disabling for the person who's upset. a place of care and love from the other person, but that invalidates it, so instead of getting angry, it's important to acknowledge that you know again that it's from ' come to a place of love and communicate with the person if you can do it assertively and not be mean about it, reach out to the person you know if I'm upset, it's more helpful to me if you do, or if you just notice that I'm upset and remind yourself that different people are different have limits, and some people want to cheer up , again it's important to ask people what can I do now, what can help you feel better, what can help you make the moment better, what can I do to be supportive, and sometimes it's just sitting with me, sometimes I listen, sometimes it's just me.
It helps to think about what it is, but instead of assuming you know what the person wants, it's respectful to ask what I can best do to help you right now, as it's not trying to change people; c It changes how they react to you, so if someone is aggressive, I have a friend who is actually proud of being a troll, and you know that's not something I really like, and I'm not going to try. I don't change, but if he tries to troll me if he tries to know that you're getting under my skin, I respond by
settingmy limit and letting him know that it's not appropriate, and that I won't tolerate the behavior. , and you know he hasn't. he did it once and never did it again, so it's important to recognize that people will accidentally cross your boundaries, you tell them they crossed and what to do, and they'll do their best to respect your boundaries, but if they don't it's important to have the serenity to accept the things or people that you cannot change; you can't change what other people want, and the courage to change the things you can, which sometimes means taking a break from the person or protecting yourself from that person, so think about boundaries, like the border of your house , so you can feel safe in your mental space in your personal space, and only in your own skin you can choose who you can let into your head, who you can enter into your heart, and who you can enter into your space you really don't want to someone who lets you live in your head, for example rent free, which means you have to rent to someone, and it's usually someone who isn't friendly by letting the things they say bounce around your head and you waste it energy and drain your car- it's worth it to be like someone who lives in your house with your electricity and eats your food and doesn't pay rent wouldn't you tolerate that the reason you let someone live in your head and drain all your energy like this there are four types of people we are going to talk about three boundary breakers and a healthy boundary, to scare you benignly share your thieves your kids and your family and friends are benign strangers these are people who might knock on your door k and you say im not sure whose is this person but it doesn't seem so scary to open the door and ask them what they want so you can talk to them through the screen door to find out what it is you have to give me you know I'm willing to listen I'm willing to Being open to what is, doesn't mean I'll accept it, doesn't mean I'm going to change and do what you want, but I'm willing to listen to your point of view, maybe you have something you need now or in the future, think about a storm when the tree removal services arrive and want to clean up the downed trees in your yard, maybe you have a perfectly good chainsaw and are ready to do it so you don't need it now,so you probably won Don't change your plans, but six months later, if there's another storm, the chainsaw is good. d broken maybe then you'll go back and consult what sometimes people will give of information or advice or wisdom we don't need it now but later it's useful so keep in mind you have politicians going around before the election trying to convince you to vote for them; that is your border; you have the choice of who to vote for, just because they arrive at your door does not mean you will agree with them or vote with them, but you may be willing to listen. amazing what you can learn from random people you interact with if you keep your mouth shut and ears open, who in your life falls into this category, they are benign, not the best of friends, but they are people in your life who might who can offer you information, wisdom, or assistance, but you're not someone you just want to invite burglars into your home, it's people like narcissists, sociopaths, and people with active addiction who are desperately trying to figure out how to get in. so they can steal your trust and even your belongings and sometimes this group of people smile and charm your entrance and once they are in they come over slowly change all of a sudden they start gaslighting what does that mean?
I'm not trying to convince you that you're crazy, basically saying you tell them they did something or you accuse them of doing something and they deny it, or you say you know my laptop went missing and they say I've never seen a laptop. ; you must be crazy, or they hear something you believe in and try to convince you that you're wrong, or an idiot can continue to believe that they too can only show up when they need something and then provoke you by saying it's okay if you care. me, you would do that, so think about who in your life falls into this category, these are the people who tend to steal your energy, steal your self esteem and confidence and actively try to manipulate your children.
They're the kind of people who react immaturely or in immature ways to, um, not get their way and people who fall into this category insist they get their way and that you approve of them every time, otherwise they do a tantrum, it's kind of knowing if we go back to the house metaphor, they throw bags of burning dog shit in front of your door and they go through the house and bang on all the doors and windows until you give in, they'll know that you've, let's say, 40 50 times' he can send an SMS until he finally appears, this is the child's reaction, this is again a person who violates your limits because you already said no, I'm not going to talk to you now, or no, you can't enter, or no I can't do that and they will keep trying to intimidate until they get their way who in your life falls into this category and finally there is family and friends and it's the sane people who show up at your door and they usually leave them safe in them is It's safe to listen to them, it's safe to talk to them.
It is safe to share your thoughts and feelings because they will respect them, they may not agree with them, but they will respect them as their own. you might have disagreements but again they respect that it's your house it's your thoughts your feelings your rules if they don't respect your rules and you ask them to stop doing that you ask them to leave then or stop and apologize if they can let you know if you like to do it then you know i can't now i have to go home and finally i can what you have to go home and so it's important that you realize you know again than family and friends They are also human, and they can accidentally violate your behavior or do it intentionally if they do it intentionally, and they do it intentionally, it is important to have a set boundary with the result that you stay safe, but not everyone is safe to let you in with their Proverbial gates are willing to set limits and don't let everyone use people to know who's there, which means size up your people before letting them in before you c If you start sharing your thoughts and secrets and you know you feel vulnerable, make sure you are a safe person, regularly test your limits to see if they help you or your limits prevent you from communicating with others, so you know what to do and what not to do, they know what you expect and and People often respect your boundaries if they know what they are and remember that you have the power to choose who you allow, and also give your energy, and you can also choose who stays in your house and you have the power to choose if you change the rules of your house or you do not have to change your beliefs because someone thinks differently from you and you can decide if it is convenient for me to change my beliefs about what sometimes they can any information that you do not know before and with With this new information you think, oh I think I was wrong, so you decide to change your rules, your beliefs, your changes, but you don't have to.
The choice is yours, and that's the beauty of boundaries, so for the boundaries exercise, list five to ten types of situations in which you often struggle to maintain your boundaries independently, which means you have You have to respect the limits of others, but at the same time maintain your own. At the same time, a friend may ask you to do something, and you really don't have time, or you feel like you are being taken advantage of, or that someone is waiting for you to change your mind or way of doing something, or that you can continue. something someone said that lets them rent for free, or you disagree with someone and demands that you switch to a coworker who stops by your desk to pick things up, or you're just curious and know what kind of dirt you can dig up, or such If you are upset and someone might have meant well for you to accept and get over it, or someone who often comes up to you and just gives you a hug and doesn't respect your physical boundaries, check in every day, check in every day. an example of an interaction where someone did not respect your boundaries, or what you expect to happen in the near future, and practice keeping your boundaries, what would you say, how would you practically communicate to them what you need, and create and review a test of boundaries of rights, and it's especially important if you've had poor boundaries for a while to review it every morning so it gets used to reminding you that you have power and rights.
I have the right to be touched only if I want to, I have the right to express my uniqueness as long as it doesn't violate someone else's boundaries, for example, you know if one of the things you do is unique. you are a nudist but you don't need to go to your office naked because it will make other people uncomfortable and you can argue that you know if it is trespassing on their boundaries but you know within the reason why we want to we can express our uniqueness but We don't want to make other people uncomfortable, but I have the right to my thoughts and feelings, I have the right to choose when I change my thoughts and feelings.
I have the right to be heard, as long as I communicate with confidence, but I do have the right to privacy, there are many other rights you can include in this limits exercise, but this only gets you started, so I usually suggest you make a list. of about 10 rights you have about your boundary rights and we go over them every morning we learn boundaries through our interaction with primary caregivers and people in our cultures unfortunately sometimes boundaries are unhealthy there are many types of boundaries and everyone's boundaries are a little different, it's important to explore your awareness of what healthy boundaries look like for you and find out from others what their boundaries are so that you can not only enforce your boundaries but also respect other people's boundaries; this show was produced by mr charles snipes and hosted by dr donnelly snipes;
You can learn more about boundaries and mental health at doc snipes dot com slash youtube. They can be reached at 1633 west main street suite 902 Lebanon, Tennessee 37087 or via email at support docsnipes.com
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