Bloomberg Suspends Campaign After Biden Wins Big On Super Tuesday

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW". I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S THE DAY AFTER SUPER TUESDAY, ALSO KNOWN AS "OLD MAN'S WEDNESDAY." I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THAT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF-- I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. I BEAT TRUMP! I LOST THEM ALL. THEY DON'T CALL IT SUPER TUESDAY FOR NOTHING! BING, BING, BONG, BONG. “PATH OF FURY TOWARDS THE WHITE HOUSE: 2020.” Stephen: LAST NIGHT WAS A GREAT NIGHT... (Applause and applause) PEOPLE ARE EXCITED. PEOPLE ARE EXCITED. LAST NIGHT WAS A BIG NIGHT FOR FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND THE ONLY DENTAL WORK YOU CAN SEE FROM SPACE, JOE BIDEN. 14 STATES HELD PRIMARIES LAST NIGHT, AND BIDEN WON TEN OF THEM, INCLUDING STATES HE WAS NEVER EXPECTED TO WIN, LIKE TEXAS.

Apparently, down there, he appealed to Hispanic voters, because like many of them, his first language is not English. (LAUGHTER) THIS ELECTION YEAR, POLLS SHOW THAT THE TOP PRIORITY FOR DEMOCRATS IS WHICH CANDIDATE CAN BEAT DONALD TRUMP. AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE LOOKED AT THE FIELD, AND LAST NIGHT, THEY PUT THEIR FUTURE IN THE HANDS OF JOE BIDEN. LET'S SEE THE FIRST THING SHE SAID AT HER RALLY: BY THE WAY, THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER, VALERIE, AND I'M JILL'S HUSBAND... OH NO, THERE YOU ARE! OH, YOU FOUND ME! Esteban: GOOD! WELL! (LAUGHTER) IT'S AN INNOCENT MISTAKE BUT IT COULD STILL CAUSE PROBLEMS IF HE BECOME PRESIDENT. (AS OFFERED) "HERE IS MY CALL BACK NUMBER--302917-- OOPS, THOSE ARE THE NEW NUCLEAR CODES.

THEY CHANGED THEM FOR ME!" (LAUGHTER) BIDEN WAS FIRED ABOUT HIS BIG WIN, MAYBE A LITTLE TOO FIRED. HE CAN BE HARD TO FOLLOW ON A LOW ENERGY DAY, AND Last night, he sounded like he had some monkey adrenal glands crushed up and injected directly into his brainstem. A BOLD VISION... CONFRONTING AND OVERCOMING THE N.R.A.-- WEAPONS MANUFACTURERS...ACCESS TO HOSPITALS IN RURAL AND URBAN AREAS. Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I PROMISE: GAH, YAH! YAGGIDAH-BAH! COME ON, FOLKS!" BIDEN...I JUST HAVE TO GET SOME FOLDING BLINDS. JUST GET ME SOME FOLDING BLINDS. BIDEN PUT IT TO THE NEIGHBORHOODS THAT HAD TOLD HIM.

JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, THE PRESS AND EXPERTS HAD DECLARED THE CAMPAIGN DEAD. I AM HERE TO REPORT THAT WE ARE VERY ALIVE. Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "That's right, FOLKS. THEY SAID WE WERE DEAD, BUT THEN THEY DROUGHT ME UP, BOUND TO A LIGHTNING, AND BROUGHT ME BACK TO Frankenstein, Jack! COME ON, BAD FIRE! COME ON, BAD FIRE!" " (APPLAUSE) JOE'S BIG NIGHT WAS REALLY NOTABLE, BECAUSE "HE WON IN STATES WHERE HE DOESN'T CAMPAIGN. HE WON IN STATES WHERE HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE OFFICES." IN FACT, IN MINNESOTA, BIDEN'S ENTIRE GROUND OPERATION WAS JUST THIS FLYER: "JOE BIDEN AVAILABLE TO COUNT DOGS OR BE PRESIDENT." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Jon: THEY REALLY DON'T WANT BERNIE.

Stephen: BIDEN DID SO WELL, HE EVEN CAPTURED ELIZABETH WARREN'S NATIONAL STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE HE DIDN'T APPEAR IN PERSON. IF I AM ELIZABETH WARREN RIGHT NOW, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL CAMPAIGN IN A CONSISTENT WAY. NEXT TIME, IT'LL JUST BE "CRAZY AUNT LIZZIE'S FOLKSY-RIFIC WOODEN NICKEL AT EVERY GARAGE-GANZA CAMPAIGN!" (Applause) BUT... IT'S A LOT. A LOT TO SAY. DO I STILL NEED THEM? I DO NOT KNOW YET. BUT IT WOULDN'T BE AN OFFER WITHOUT A LITTLE CONFUSION. And last night it came from some animal rights protesters. WE COME FROM-- DAIRY DAIRIES DIE! (BOO) DAIRY DAIRIES DIE!

DAIRY DAIRIES DIE! DAIRY DAIRIES DIE! (BOO) Stephen: HMM... DAIRY RIGHTS ACTIVISTS? I WONDER WHO IT WAS? JIM, EXPAND. IT'S JOAQUIN PHOENIX. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! STILL AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE. I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO THE BOY. AND LOOK HOW JILL BIDEN AGREED WITH THAT WOMAN WHEN SHE CAME ON STAGE. I DON'T KNOW IF JOE CAN WIN THE PRESIDENCY, BUT JILL IS DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN SUMMER SLAM. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) BOOM! OH YEAH. ATOMIC ELBORON DROP. IT WAS A DISAPPOINTING NIGHT FOR THE FORMER LEADER, THE SENATOR FROM VERMONT AND D.J. WHO KNOWS YOU CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN THAT, BERNIE SANDERS.

SANDERS WON FOUR STATES, INCLUDING CALIFORNIA, BUT "MANY YOUNG VOTERS TURNED OUT ON SUPER TUESDAY, CONTRIBUTING TO BERNIE SANDERS' LOSSES." (AS BERNIE) "COME ON, YOUNG PEOPLE! GET OFF YOUR TIKTOK SNAP CHATS AND VOTE! OR I'LL COME DOWN TO ONE OF THE THREE JOBS YOU'RE WORKING ON AND I'LL TAKE THE VAPORIZER OUT OF YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTHS. ADVANCE THE FLAVOR. THIS IS IT ". YOU SAY THIS AND THEN YOU DO THAT. THAT'S ALL! Last night at his rally, Bernie took the stand when comparing his records. ONE OF US HAS SPENT HIS ENTIRE LIFE FIGHTING AGAINST CUTS IN SOCIAL SECURITY.

ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS BEEN IN THE SENATE ASKING FOR CUTS TO SOCIAL SECURITY. Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "ONE OF US WANTED TO LEAVE THE "LION KING" AS IT WAS. THE OTHER SAID, "LET'S REMAKE IT WITH COMPUTER LIONS." IT COMPLETELY REMOVED THE FANTASY. HAKUNA MA-DISASTA." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) "TELL THEM IT'S THIS, BUT IT'S ALSO THAT. AND THEY DO IT... AND THIS, THIS, THIS." POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST LOSER FROM LAST NIGHT WAS THE FORMER MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY AND THE NAUGHTY GNOME WHO JUST LEFT YOU LOST WITH HIS THREE RIDDLES, MIKE BLOOMBERG. BLOOMBERG ACHIEVED A VICTORY IN ONE PLACE: AMERICAN SAMOA. (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW THE OLD SAID: AS AMERICAN SAMOA SAYS, SO GOES...

EASTER ISLAND? I DON'T KNOW... I THINK BOSSES ARE SUPER DELEGATES. THINGS DIDN'T LOOK GOOD FOR MIKE GOING INTO SUPER TUESDAY. YESTERDAY AFTERNOON THIS VIDEO OF BLOOMBERG AT A CAMPAIGN STOP WENT VIRAL. LICK YOUR FINGERS, PUT YOUR HAND INTO A PIZZA BOX, TEAR ONE PIECE, RETURN THE REST AND LICK EACH FINGER INDIVIDUALLY, AND THEN TOUCH A COFFEE SPOUT. Now, that may seem gross, but I was just giving his fingers a little stop-and-frisk. "WAIT HERE, LITTLE FRIEND! SAID! LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT SOME SALT. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, TASTY GREASE BOY? AGAINST THE TONGUE WALL WITH YOU.

OH, YOU LOOK SUSPICIOUS. I SUSPECT A LITTLE MARINARA IN YOUR POCKET " THAT'S THERE YOU'RE GOING. NOW... NOW I HAVE TO PURELL AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. NOW, AFTER HIS HARD NIGHT, THIS MORNING, BLOOMBERG ANNOUNCE THAT HE IS SUSPENDING HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN. AND THIS AFTERNOON, BLOOMBERG TOOK UP TO HIS FUN-SIZED PODIUM TO BREAK THE NEWS TO HIS STAFF. I ENTERED THE RACE FOR PRESIDENT TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP, AND TODAY I AM LEAVING THE RACE FOR THE SAME REASON: TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE STAYING WOULD MAKE IT MORE DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE THAT GOAL. Stephen: IT TAKES A GREAT MAN TO STAND UP AND ADMIT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I WILL EVER DO IN MY LIFE, WHICH I REALLY SHOULD STOP DOING.

BLOOMBERG IMMEDIATELY ENDORSE JOE BIDEN. NO ONE KNOWS THE IMPACT IT'S GOING TO HAVE, BUT WE HAVE RECEIVED THE LATEST ANNOUNCEMENT FROM JOE BIDEN, AND THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME INFLUENCE FROM BLOOMBERG. THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME BLOOMBERG INFLUENCE. AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE. Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. CHRIS HAYES IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE MONOLOGUE RIGHT HERE. STAY!