Bill Tries Marijuana | Bill Engvall

I finally went to my doctor. I told him doc You have to write me a prescription. Help me sleep at night and he says, oh, I don't like to write prescriptions for pills. They have bad side effects. I'm going, friend, I'm dying. I never thought I would say this in my medical career, he said, have you ever tried medical

marijuana

? I said, doc, I've never tried without meds. I'm not going to jail because I can't sleep. I'm not going to jail he said here in California for medical reasons it's legal he said I'm going to write you this card and I want you to take it to the dispensary later I said what is a dispensary it goes it's like a pharmacy me I'm thinking okay it's like a Walgreens or a CVS, you know people in lab coats with name tags, no, it's a pot store.

I walk into this store and there are five white guys with dreadlocks who want to hug me. i walked into a bar and the moment you walk through the door your brain one room bar thats what i was walk in i looked around i went oh hell no and i turn to leave and as i turn to leave i hear a voice behind me go well hello my friend and I turn around and there is a boy and he says my name is peace I said ok peace I think I'm in the wrong place and he says he brought you here omg well my doctor said I was old so now you're smarter than your doctor who was good your doctor sent you here but apparently on his way over to you he found a cure for whatever so hey he's smarter than his doctor and i remember thinking to myself that a stoner would get me it's spinning It should be faster than this and I'm doing fine.

They gave me this. card and he says oh it's the key to the kingdom people let me see your car trouble going 99 how many am I seven? it's a wall full of pot jars and they all had names but they weren't medical names they were names like Bub ba Koosh aap grape Cyndi cinnamon I'm in the Ben and Jerry pot and pull this jar off the wall and all I saw was name comatose and takes it out and puts it on a scale weighs it puts it in the bag and staples it shut and he leaves now go home and enjoy i had parked my car fifty feet from this pot store this was me walking back to my car with this bag of pot yeah well i know the police are around the corner and going i got the bag take the shot take the shot i get to my car i open the trunk i pull out the spare tire i put the pot in the wheel good i put the spare tire on top of that a dead body some lime and a tarp i'm driving 15 miles an hour and on a six lane highway with my blinker on nine miles to my exit because i don't want to lift any red flag and all the time pi I think about what you've done you don't smoke pot you even know how to smoke pot and then the other side of my brain was everybody shut up just shut up shut up shut up now our roommate smokes p o he always had these papers called zig zags and bought them at a convenience store and i'm all i ever have so many voices in my head so i walk into this 7-eleven you know i'm 58 you would i thought i was a 12 year old trying to buy his first hustler magazine.

I went into the store. The car says: What's up? Michael: What's wrong with you? The brother. I do not know what happened to me. I'll tell you what I want my friend I want a Slurpee slim jims and exactly and they were man it's not illegal to buy newspapers and I said well it's bad it got cheap so I buy my papers I drive home I run down the basement. Cause I can't tell Gayle about this she's anti-

marijuana

she won't even let me go backstage at a Willie Nelson concert well she goes to bed that night I'm in the basement I've got the bottom I've got the papers I'm like Now because I don't smoke I've never rolled a cigarette so I'm rolling what I think is a joint and it ends up looking like a chewed stick I can't smoke the head and also oh wait a minute I have my grandfather's pipes my grandfather was a pipe reminds of your grandfather's five pipe tray so I check this call if I want a grandfather's pipes and I put the pot on it and I stood up and I'm looking right in the mirror and I was like oh my gosh I i look like ward cleaver trying to get high right now this would have been a great episode basement i turned this pot on i took a puff oh my god i coughed so hard i thought my liver was going to jump out of my mouth i woke up gail two floors up i'm in the basement what and gil goes

bill

where e are you she goes

bill

like dammit how you doing that?

Thanks, are you okay? Where's my Pig Floyd album?