Bill Tries Marijuana | Bill Engvall

Finally I went to my doctor, I said doctor, you have to write me a prescription, help me sleep at night and he says, oh, I don't like writing prescriptions for pills, they have bad side effects. I'm coming buddy, I'm dying here, Bill said. I never thought I'd say this in my medical career, he said, Have you ever tried medical

marijuana

? I told him, doctor, I haven't even tried it without medication. I'm not going to jail because I can't sleep. He says man I know you're I'm not going to go to jail he said here in California for medical reasons it's legal he said I'm going to write you this card and I want you to take it to the dispensary down the street I said what's a dispensary It's like a pharmacy.

I'm thinking, okay, it's like a Walgreens or a CVS, you know, people in lab coats and name tags, no, it's a

marijuana

store. I walk into this store and there are five white guys with dreadlocks who want to hug me. I walked into a bar and the moment you walk through the door, your brain, the bar of a room, that's what I walked in, I looked around and I said, oh hell no, and I turn to leave and when I turn to leave, I hear this voice behind me. well hello my friend and I turn around and there's this kid and he says my name is peace I said well peace I think I'm in the wrong place and he says what brought you here?

Oh my gosh, well my doctor said he was old. You are now smarter than your doctor. Well, your doctor sent you here, but apparently along the way you found a cure for whatever it was, so hey, you're smarter than your doctor and I remember thinking to myself. Some stoner is spinning me around in circles. I should be faster than this and I'm doing fine. They gave me this card and he says, "Oh, it's the key to the kingdom." People let me see the problems with your car. 99 Are we? What do I have seven? Yeah. I guess he says, we'll turn around my friend and welcome to Shangri-la and I turn around and there's a wall full of jars of marijuana and they all had names, but they weren't medical names, they were names like Bubba Koosh. aap grape Cyndi cinnamon I'm in a pot of Ben and Jerry's and he pulls this jar off the wall and all I saw was the name comatose and he pulls it out and puts it on a scale and weighs it and puts it in the bag and staples it.

It closes and he leaves, now go home and enjoy. I had parked my car fifty feet from this pot shop. This was me walking back to my car with this bag of marijuana. Yeah, well, I know the police are around the corner and they say he has the. bag take the shot take the shot I get to my car I open the trunk I take out the spare tire I put the pot in the wheel well I put the spare tire on top a corpse some lime and a tarp I'm driving at 15 miles per hour on a six lane highway with the lights flashing for nine miles to my exit because I don't want to raise any red flags and the whole time I think about what you've done, you don't even smoke pot.

I knew how to smoke marijuana and then the other side of my brain was for everyone to shut up, just shut up, shut up, shut up now our roommate smoked marijuana with his neck he always had these papers called zig zags and he bought it at a store convenience and I'm all I ever have so many voices in my head so I walk into this 7-eleven you know I'm 58 you would have thought I was a 12 year old trying to buy his first scammer magazine I walked into the guard the cart goes what come on Michael what's wrong with you brother I don't know what happened to me he goes what do you want I'll tell you what I want my friend I want a Slurpee slim jims and exactly and they were friend it's not illegal to buy papers and I said well it's so bad he got stingy so I got my papers.

I drive home and run to the basement because I can't tell Gayle about this, she is very anti-marijuana and she won't even let me. go backstage at a Willie Nelson concert well she's going to bed that night I'm in the basement I've got the background I've got the papers I'm like now what because I don't smoke I've never rolled a cigarette so I'm rolling what I think It's a joint and ends up looking like a chewed up toothpick. I can't smoke my head and also, oh wait a minute, I bought my grandfather's pipes. My grandfather was a pipe.

You remember your grandfather's five-pipe tray, so I dig into this call if I want a grandfather's pipes and put the pot in it and I got up and I was looking straight in the mirror and I said, "Oh my God, I look like Ward Cleaver Trying to get high right now, this would have been a great episode Ward puffin on that pipe hey June, okay, back in the basement I turned this pot on, took a puff, oh my god, I coughed so hard I thought my liver was going to jump. from my mouth, I woke up Gail two floors up.

I'm in the basement what and Gil says Bill where are you? She says Bill like damn, how are you? Where's my Pig Floyd album? ?I need to listen, hey, right now.