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Bill Burr's Guide to Driving Etiquette: Season 1 Compilation

May 30, 2021
I always want to stop and just pick up all this crap kind of person who rides a bike on the street that's who does it I already have a great temper and I'm trying to learn to control that and riding these streets makes me lose my back you know the People always say your anger is when you have expectations of other people but what can I say I'm a dreamer it's ok we're in hollywood right now no one here knows how to drive a motorcycle i always look for these guys but i don't care about people on bikes in los Angels it's not a tragedy if you die here they're such that they ride in the street and they're always telling you to share the road and they won't get over it get over it you see me behind you I'm in a car drive over to the other side they always point fingers at you and they act like they're these angels don't they ever stop at a stop signals that don't obey traffic rules that's what they're supposed to do and then they ride right into the middle of the road like you stood in their own bike race in their stupid tight outfits like they're doing some kind of time trial everybody cares i think when they freeze the bike too like it was a tragedy it was inevitable you're in a motorbike with no engine

driving

in the middle of traffic where people are texting wow what could possibly go wrong so just sneak up on me i'll go over the double line a little bit i'll dodge you you won't get hit no one has to freeze the bike okay look at this look at this this person comes on the scooter look what i do look what i do i get over it go ahead live your dream go find love look at this get off the road look at this she's pretty though true you can't get mad but you know how funny if i hit her it's my fault you're on a scooter crossing four lanes of traffic who picked it up okay you're not supposed to have a helmet on so if you're on a bike cleta, just walk by, i don't want to hit you, alright, but the longer you stay there, it starts to seem like a good option.
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation
I always lose my temper when I drive, most of it is because I have a bad temper. The other part is that I don't leave enough time and then I like the other one like me. I don't know 40 percent is people suck

driving

I mean I don't think I'm the best driver but you know what I am the considerate people who walk in the hustle and bustle of the crosswalk oh they got there always you meet a woman walk by and she's got her heels on you know what she's supposed to do she can't run on her toes like walter payton did even though walter payton ran on her toes his entire career he never hurt his knee look at that guy tell me that.
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation

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bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation...

The guy didn't know where Whitey Bulger was all these years, look at this guy, look at this, the pedestrian here just when I want to turn left, look at this guy on his phone, walking as slow as you can, slow as you can, I always jog. At the crosswalk, he's fine, I cross, I wave, now what's that guy? He's got the rain Oh yeah I thought they were pants he actually has a tan his pants his legs are the same color it's supposed to be the Reno having fun in 911 as this guy you know I think so all the cops dress that way and they like it there.
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation
There would be no more violence. You know what I mean, kid, just turn up, sorry, okay, you're going a little fast. I understand how you're doing, honey. You see him just giving the thumbs up to the fire department. two checking my mirrors making sure everyone is where they belong oh it's some one way shit I've done it oh it's somebody's mom God bless you God bless you mom you know what she did she noticed, backed away and then she waved this is a classic look at this guy he's going to have his ass in my lane then you give him a beep and they don't understand why probably because they can't hear the thoughts in my head now look This now I'm going to take a left, I make sure I put my whole vehicle in the left lane so someone else can stop theirs. ok here i'm going to take a left right i'm going out i want the guy in the blue car to make it look i'm going to do this i'm going to do this right now at least the other guy he's going to make it i actually do this in I actually look in my rear view mirror to see if he can since I don't look where I'm going there he just open the door don't look idiot if I took his door that's my fault.
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation
Everyone should be turning right on red up here. Keep moving. Something. Somebody do something. You already know what it is. Less car on the road, good for you, I'm behind you, make the change, you're the first to turn left, get out there so the other two people behind you can make the light, do you want to get out of my lane , idiot texting? of course texting texting texting why yelling? He can't hear me because you see how I lose myself here. and it's going to make some of you oh I do that maybe I won't do that anymore and then I won't be so psycho is that what I'm trying to I don't know what I'm trying to do here so where I want to be is about a block and a half away and this will take me every little like 17 minutes to get there I mean we've literally been sitting here for like 20 lights someone should be upside down and on fire here for the level of traffic that's going through where all these people go like one of the perks of being a comedian is everyone is at work during the day and i should be able to walk around throwing rose petals out the fucking window and how open it is it just never happens work from home i started a business it's crazy damn baby could crawl on the sidewalk and get there faster this is really stupid ok i have to make a left here who will let me in who will what about you are you going to let me in are you going to let in of course no why would you let me in could you walk another two feet let me in thank you thank you maybe i still do the wave even though you wouldn't let me in that's why i never want to leave my house i love my wife but she always does makes that we should do something today today would be a good day to do something you want to do something today and it's like yeah i would love it if it didn't take me four hours to get to that something and by the time i get there i want to kill myself i can't imagine living like in nebraska and they just hear you want to do something today and you just get in your car and you're driving go do it half the homeless here got tired of driving that's what pulled up and said fuck that i can't just do this i can't do it i don't give a damn i'll find another way how can i back this up how do i roll it back oh there it is people hate me right now people hate me i like this person i like how this person drives even or before it turns green They're starting up, they're ready to go.
I judge their parents by how they react to light. You should be like a big daddy with garlands as soon as the tree turns green. oh that would have been disastrous don't listen to me but he has a sweater and a nice hat now it's a love story you can see a woman under a flyover and she's still captivated by you every word is a story of love that really warms. my heart most likely go go go there go well move well move well move all right now we're on the uh we're on the freeway everywhere else in the world the farther left you are on the freeway the faster you are se you're supposed to go you're not supposed to go on the right but out here that's exactly what they do so when you're trying to get off you have to go like 90 miles an hour come on let me let me in this person are you going to let me in you idiot you see my turn signal thanks even when they're a jerk still the wave prevents them from getting the gun out of the glove box now look at this giant green bus that's all the way to the left what are you doing except slowing people down this is like the family bus manson what are you doing what are you doing oh he's trying to get over seeing it was my fault and i went right i'm so full of ah that was bad and the guy was black so maybe he thought i I was yelling something racist I mean all the fans don't and I'm wearing like I feel like this is a classic racist white guy sweater you know what I mean looks like you ready to take a family photo and then you say like the most horrible thing ever hello welcome to the neighborhood i'll tell you they have to build that wall i have to build that wall man what do i do i get in front of the van you get in front of the van man you get in front of the van and look at this i interrupt in front of this guy but i do the wave thank you thank you look at this lady texting looking down i thought she she is trimming her pubic hair or she is texting and i am seeing her text so i am part of the problem and I would say something, but in the current climate, I would probably get arrested for some kind of harassment. you're in this traffic keep going you know it's safe behind but don't be that jerk who leaves like 20 car lengths like you're trying to prove some philosophical point you know hey man like 10 people got in front of me I mean, I'll only get there nine seconds later, so where's the problem when you wish you had some kind of thing that you didn't care about in the front of your car, whatever you call those things, those things that they had on tj hooker and you just bump into it repeatedly this is where you start to feel claustrophobic you just want to stop bumping into people stay away from me ok can i come in can i come in please thanks sunday was when the traffic is really bad what i fantasize about living in the top of that hill r right there where there are no other houses and just have a zip line right where i go to work straight to my office of course i would have to walk home but getting to work would be inc laughable i hate to see all this crap on the side of the road they should give you the option to opt out like what do you want to do you want to do jury duty or you want to pick up the crap you just do one on one look how depressing it is that. you're just throwing all this out there you clean it up christ you clean it up what kind of animal just drives down the road and dumps this is amazing how you grew up you know what's funny you're not really throwing your trash out properly it's you you're just putting it in and it's they're taking it away to throw it back outside somewhere else we don't have to see it well you throw it where all the porpoises are in the ocean that's true i was actually looking for the garbage story the other day it was that long article and i said that this is too long to read this, i was going to change my behavior but now i'm not looking at this, some rich guy is building a skateboard ramp for his son, he's going to make that giant truck stop and have minor illegal immigrants Eight year old lifting all that up there and you think that'll get reported, of course it won't, but you know what I mean, Matt Lauer struts in with his crap out of his pants and, again, pente, that's the story i want to say where is the justice after i said that sexual predators must be eradicated from our society i just want to roll down my window and talk to these people and talk where are you going where i'm going i'm not going anywhere i am driving around here to talk about how bad the traffic is so i guess i'm worse than rips are ribs ee to make it look like the hood you'll adjust to us before you sell your poison thank you so much now it's there go out there that guy didn't do anything wrong he's already turned yellow but you know every time you're going to make a left you want to try and make sure that three people there's one person texting while they're crossing the street if we can legally come through we opened the door and hit him i think we didn't actually fight this guy he's crossing the crosswalk and the arrow was green and this person didn't go and i was like what and then they finally left and t I tried to make the light and by then people were at the crosswalk and he was just a Mexican guy, he's like me brother, he says walk and I was like the light screen that he could tell he was going to do. something in my truck and at the last second before he left he hit my mirror or something and then i told him this whole steven seagal thing as he walked away like i could hit him with my bad ribs shoulder up and my lack of tw fast itches the muscle fiber but you know when you're in your car you feel safe in and out of the burger there's always a line i think when a pedestrian gets angry enough to hit the side mirror of your car i mean that It's usually a good indication that uh you know you're probably not interacting with your fellow man the way you should be fire station bottoms you're like that's a big name huh sounds like you're going to have diarrhea , there's a fire in my ass, thanks for the substitutes. you like some peppers on that no i wouldn't fireman subs that beautiful woman coming out of domino's pizza beautiful look at that dog right there i don't care in the world i think she cares about global warming does someone could write a great coffee table book on that on how to get into the mentality of a dog with its head out the window and there would beenough morons there that would buy it and literally start driving down the street like ace ventura hey like this lady go ahead go ahead yes God bless you and your hat.
God bless you, your hat, your hand and your dog. That's not safe. That's not safe. Why have kids have dogs right that's what bob barker used to say get spayed and neutered and have more cats and dogs now the hipster guy in his skinny jeans will never have kids that's why these millennials never know they're not going to have kids like the other generations have it's not that they're not trying i mean everybody's out there banging it's only when your jings are so tight it's just you know it's killing a whole generation dude there's like a ramen place every meter and a half i don't get what people are raving about ramen noodles because even if they taste good you want to sit with 20 other people making that hannibal lecter noise you bean noise all the time you have to get ramen noodles to go thats a takeout item or t Hey, you should have you sit outside on a windy day when you eat it so no one has to listen to you slurping this down, no matter how messed up it was.
I have never driven a car like this. At some point, you just have to take out the credit card. and they fix the rear bumper you don't accept it the second you put the license plate back on you just accepted it that's like you put on a few pounds and instead of eating a salad you buy the next pants size right? You just accepted the fact that you're slowly going to get fat you know these people with their bumpers and their bellies i just had it there they are ribs america should probably turn off the car global warming you know i'm in indianapolis indiana home of uh the wine and ass indianapolis colts oh they cheated they took a hair off the ball that's why we lost by 35 unbelievable this is what i love about jim irsay than complaining he made a stick and works right there hey jimmy is probably still up from last night if you know what I mean anyway we're leaving.
I'm not going to the indianapolis motor race track, the indy 500. oh that's what indianapolis is home to the race track. This old lady who smokes cigarettes is a guy, no, she's a woman. support in their whole life they don't mind smoking cigarettes with some raw red meat in their front shirt pocket look at this cafe smiling i like indianapolis this guy has a shovel always filling the potholes man they have money here huh you never i see that in Los Angeles, oh, I see what the Indy 500 is doing here, so they're filling in the potholes. the Indianapolis 500, which is taking place this Memorial Day weekend, the amazing thing about this race track is that when you first see it you can't believe how big it is because you forget it has to be big enough big enough for people to drive 200 miles a year. hour so I'm going to meet one of the drivers who will take me to the track.
I know who you think he will lead you. Bill Rick approaches Gordon John. A.J. Foyt. just danica patrick lovely lady do you realize how legendary this place is? I'm going to tell you right now that I hate being in the passenger seat. I'm definitely going to be scared. Do you get bored like after doing a race? sit and stuff and pull into traffic like a subaru have you ever had one of those ricky bobby rivalries with any driver that even if you came in seventh as long as they come as an atheist site actually in racing that uh , it tends to be a problem within teammates he usually has more similar equipment than they have so it's the biggest test of talent i saw that with lewis hamilton and nico rosberg there you go and formula one is very very funny this is right here this is so iconic i can't believe it's here alright now you know what eric notices about you steely like calm browsing here thanks and you're like alright you know just stay here you stay along wall i mean you're entering the corner at 230 235 miles an hour without lifting 235 miles sounds pretty cool actually doesn't it?
How are you going to ride someone's ass like that knowing all the time that all someone has to do is hit you from behind and you're going to go flying? against the wall you just don't think about it right yeah you're so focused as if to stop these thoughts from becoming things. that's awesome i'm pretty sure it didn't occur to me but i i'm pretty sure it's i'm pretty sure it's a saying but i want to use it on my wife it's true thoughts become things i don't want to Going too fast, but I was thinking of speeding it up a bit, yeah.
Let me get the experience. I went here in 95 and 96. I used to see this every year when I was a kid. You know, Rick Mears and yes, Mario Andretti. Look, this is great. I'm still in first gear, well, I mean the car rolls and moves a lot, you know, compared to the other cars, oh yeah, I thought I was going to be nervous, but you're so calm. uh this is my

season

27 um um

season

27 and you're retiring well I think that's amazing thank you I'm so glad someone is finally excited for me to retire it's beautiful your left is still on your prime like me.
I don't know how it works with racing drivers you know with athletes like you know when you have to run and fill up your body breaks down and then it starts to get sad you're not that fast how do you age outside of racing? I don't think you care enough anymore and there's so much risk at stake that you start to think about it part of it, have you ever been driving like 200 miles an hour right into someone's ass, someone right behind you and just You start thinking about going to the mall or something, and that's when you start thinking I have to get out of the races, right? like i wonder if they're going to do another presenter so you're like wait a minute im an indy 500 right now i hope they do another presenter and presenter bob like my all time favorite but i figure you like veronica corning stone like all these people, well she said yea qualified when will your last race be? trip around we're on the track with you how many miles around is t that's two and a half two and a half miles around so that's 200 laps 500 miles do you have any idea which lap you're on after a while you actually get really confused sometimes there are parts in the race and you're like us you're only on lap 35 or you're like crap how's 40 going? you know there are certain points in the run that go much faster than other points i can relate to that as a comedian tonight you're still onstage and you're thinking i must have done 50 minutes and you've only been there for 11 and somehow you burned most of your act oh that's good i feel like my face is being pulled here this is amazing.
I literally go twice as fast in an Indy car as this twice as fast, oh how cool is that now, how do you keep your cool when you're leading in a place like this without thinking you won't blow up as well? I say to myself, I mean you, you're very singularly focused, you're thinking to yourself like you know how the car feels? How do I stay ahead of the rest? How do I make sure you don't know? The front stays hooked and I don't let it make you know too much understeer too quickly and then not being able to turn and then you know what the other cars are doing and you know to look in your mirrors do you listen to your spotter are you listening if someone is out of strategy that i got it right i think it will have to be our trigger it was amazing how fast we were going when you were actually going because when we were doing 8 21 30 yeah i think this is a good player i cant believe it. i just have to do that that was great thank you very much yes of course great there you go legendary uh indianapolis motor speedway i want to thank danica patrick for not uh hitting the wall or anything that's my job steely cool i thought i was going to be nervous ,i wasn't it was awesome none of those tourists over there c is about me i'm

bill

burr

and i'm doing another one of these driving videos these are about driving people a little bit more courteous there's so much yelling and yelling on Facebook, wouldn't it be nice if it stopped when you? i got on my way i'm in uh i'm in indianapolis indiana home of uh home of this downtown area i mean who's kidding who the pacers never won anything they don't have a hockey team they don't have a baseball team oh would you shut up you wouldn't sorry i finished too that was too loud it's too loud would you interrupt me so rudely anyway there is a downtown area where you get to your destination on the right you just can't have this for some reason in downtown indianapolis we have enough lanes to a highway this thing shut up it was eaten by that navigation thing i can't stand it i remember back in the day when only you only had a map was that it?
I know I sound like an old man, but you could at least keep listening to your song, pour some of your Gar on me back then, late 80's, always turned on during the best part, you know you're totally in your fantasy, you're playing the guitar solo in front of everyone who did you wrong and they were like wow we were really wrong about it and then all of a sudden it's like taking a left ok here we go this is counting down i had a lot time to pass caution light so you know i make that guy first and lose the people behind us filming us it's awful anyway this guy stares at me stares at me i hope he doesn't have any trouble with the cameras are you looking good sir they don't have cameras here they never filmed the real housewives of indianapolis episode you know with them putting their horseshoes on the bottom of those high heels oh that was me that was bad so de anyway , if you notice, I made a nice left turn there, used my turn signal, and then sped up a little bit, so this guy behind me wouldn't get mad there's n There's nothing wrong with someone getting into your lane while keep going is where you come from and then you hit the brakes like ok no i'm not sure how to make these plates very patriotic here a lot of people here indiana very proud to be american if you know what i mean the clan is strong in this state that's all i'm saying once again just no traffic literally no traffic the moment you put these cameras in the car everyone leaves you saw what that how that guy was looking he saw you looking by the way don't do that when you go to an intersection well here to the right is the uh the alexander it's a big thing to do with uh buildings and hotels now you do the ohio state thing you put the front and then everyone says oh this must be special really It's not, you know what I never could You can use when you're in a hotel you can never use a uh face cloth never unless you're cleaning something because I'm convinced like like 40 loads a month go off on that damn stuff you know I guess unless you you're masturbating to anything other than that i'd keep it out of your face yeah im just going to rename these videos

bill

surf while everyone stays in their own lane you know what im realizing i think i just was a psycho and all this stuff i think that's happening every five seconds actually maybe it happens once by car you gotta love a good bus station you know for sure there's a lot of degenerates down there but there's always a gem or something living in a locker getting ready to sing another hit song saying the old lady failed whatever she used to say running another red light crossing there you go and the guy behind me did it our own film crew you want to speed up err you wanna make the flight you wanna get through it i'm going to ignore those people in wheelchairs oh just gliding through town like there's no purpose to this videos look at me i got my hand on the wheel so i'm leaning cutting nine lanes no one calls me you i will say one thing these people in indianapolis work they get to work and thats it or are they still sleeping is this a speed trap?
What is the speed like 15 miles per hour? Oh, it's so the guy can if he's painting the line. He has to do it himself. He has to push it. that's not cool look at this working out up there he's going he's doing burpees what's up with crossfit people who can't work out everyone has to know you're working out it's like working out i do it on the inside go up to the top top of the statue like it's in rocky so that was downtown indianapolis now you're supposed to catch up here before you go over the access ramp is designed to pick up your speed you know what i see people do on the highway you never see that person who pulled over for a stop and then they're sitting in the breakdown lane and they want to rejoin the people who are driving 70 miles an hour and turn on their blinker and just pull out you have to step up your speed, get to about 50 55 and then you come, it's all common sense right?
It all makes sense to me look at that giant stupid lucas oil field stadium you know these poor people here they stillthey're paying, uh, they're still paying for the hoosier, they throw that cheating bastard out, i'll tell you what i'd never be here on. indiana i would never be an uber driver i mean there is literally no one here with this level of people so this is what you dream about there are cruise ships ok this is getting a little weird this is just people walking around the middle of the street here we in the back woods now faster and turkish Hey, through a horn of ten, that rock, if I thought there was a snake underneath, none of these make sense. to the west coast it's like watching someone's life you know it starts all beautiful and lush you know all the water that's like when you still have a full head of hair everything sparkles in the middle of the country it evens out that's when you get married you have kids i'm just gonna do this i stay with you the rocky mountains that's when you get kidney stones then you head out to the southwest and it's all just that first pain in your side look at this perfect right near a Graveyard it all goes back down again straight into the ocean i swear too much i have to clean up my act golly jakers i'm driving like an idiot alright this thing is going to be talking all the time. i'm going to improv with her hey what's going on is bill

burr

and i'm talking about the robot woman on the map here and it's time for another one of my driving instruction videos here at all things comic network for those of you unfamiliar with these videos I have a tendency to lose my self and obviously according to people who think they are therapists they tell me it's because I have expectations of people what are you doing what are you doing you're coming you're coming you're coming we're going good move though that wasn't bad everyone is doing everything right here this is like a perfect thursday and i turn on another light this is i feel like i'm in the presidential motorcade right now a couple of secret service guys you know hanging off to the side with their running board in the mango this is like a perfect thursday and i make another light i don't know what this street is but this is my favorite street in los angeles i literally haven't run into a red light hasn't and nothing more fun than a red light or Okay, now you hit the gas, you blow through the light, you make sure the guy behind you does.
He didn't do it because he's slacking off, but I'm thinking of him. Look, I have empathy for other people. Here's another green light. Please turn left in 500 feet now, how can I turn left here? This says not to turn left. Look at this. You want to make an illegal turn here. Well, I guess I can make a U-turn. Can I do it here? alright now what i just did there you're not supposed to do that unless you look both ways and you don't see a cop jesus christ this is what i feel like i'm in adam 12 it's like the los angeles population in the 1960s i feel like a plague hit la and like they all died right when we were setting these cameras up check this out they all behave like they stay in the right lanes i dont think we need to make any more of these videos i think all the world is driving very well now.
I didn't realize there were desolate areas in the greater Los Angeles area. As we found everything ok just got right on left lane right on saturday street ok wait am I the problem? I think I am the problem. I have never had this driving experience in Los Angeles. This is like a feel-good movie. Today everything went well. something you're not supposed to do this is called the slide you strut about this is going to be a boston move here and here we go and you can't get mad when somebody calls you when you do this what you are just a little bit of your part just a little bit of your part just do this like hey i'm just mirroring your moves and he didn't beep at me ok you see he kept a little distance there's just arrows pointing. the way it was supposed to go i'm the worst well i don't think we learned much today other than what not to do the way i was leading people i don't pretend to know things and you shouldn't be in the I work right now instead of sitting in your cubicle secretly watching this stuff I don't even know what I did literally it was like one of the most enjoyable drives I've ever had in LA it was like a country road and I'm going to take credit for that i think y'all are listening i think i'm changing lives with these videos ok thanks for watching i hope it was educational i hope it was entertaining have a nice day and god bless the united states of america ok , I'm showing this is the part you'll never see this is in the north of the valley oh another apartment building yeah because we need more people.
I would love to be an old man living in the valley one day. You know, just walking around in my striped shirt. when you loved me i'm having a few i want one day drinking k roscoe boulevard alright this lunatic staring at a fucking phone wish it was a sign or something you know i don't care cause she's a little pushy so they come and bump into you this guy looking at us like he's going to get caught I swear to god there's something in the valley that makes you like 2 3 in the afternoon you just want to walk into a bar you know a guy who guest starred in an emergency like i used to be. on a watch out show i was on chips get out of here how was eric estrada like oh he's a great guy so you know that guy right there should have made that left and he didn't then turn his direction on that's a great thing you wait until the light turns green and then you turn your signal you leave that person right up against your bumper this guy sells sandwiches and donuts you only have one picture you have to pick one it's probably delicious take a good look at that part of these rundown malls a and it'll be like The best donut you've ever tasted.
It was a nice U-turn that the guy just did there. that's like the next level homeless guy the valley is the place to be homeless so he's cleaning up after himself oh the adult rip off why are we driving in the opposite direction from that guy? I'm a big fan of your work, I just scare them. Oh my gosh, could you get enough security on that thing? Oh look what I did there. I just stopped so this guy could cut the corner to get the trucks. That is another thing that you have to be careful with all those who cut themselves off in front of the trucks when they know that they have all that weight behind them they cannot stop what I love about the valley look at all those signs out there all these signs of the old school when we thought we would like colonize the moon and you know us gym mega old school movie center dude this is the one i bet there are some really good places to eat here and in and out burgers skip the line wow oh there's the light it's not bad so there's no traffic I'm doing a lot of what I shouldn't be doing I'm looking at the driveway in and out how Burger King survives so close to an in and out there's no one there there's a lot you're welcome there that when you get a kid people buy it they buy you a big pink teddy bear jesus you see that lady in terry bradshaw sure with the fishnets maybe she's part of the talent there at the rhino mint you jesus have you ever seen so many sun damaged people in your life you come on man this is the desert if i lived here i would sweep all that junk just for my own sake look that was the original walmart where we are, friend, the valley is the place to be.
I wonder how much a house costs here.

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