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Bill Burr's Guide to Driving Etiquette: Season 1 Compilation

May 30, 2021
neighbor the way fire station submarines should be, you say that's a great name, huh, it just sounds like you're going to have diarrhea. a fire in my ass thanks for the subs would you like some peppers in that? No, I wouldn't make firefighter subs that beautiful woman coming out of Domino's Pizza beautiful look at that dog over there I don't have a care in the world I think she's into global warming, could someone write a great coffee table book about that how to get in in the mentality of a dog with its head out the window and there would be enough idiots outside? there I would buy it and literally start

driving

down the street like ace ventura hey like this lady, go ahead, go ahead, yeah, god bless you and your hat, god bless you, your hat, your hand and your dog, that's not safe, that's not safe, why? have kids, have dogs, right, that's what Bob Barker used to say, spay and neuter and have more cats and dogs.
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation
Now the hipster guy in the skinny jeans of his will never have kids. That's why these millennials never realize that they won't have children like everyone else. Generations have done it, it's not that they're not trying, I mean they're all out there banging, it's just that when your jings are that tight, it's just that you know it's killing an entire generation. There's like a ramen place every five feet. I don't understand what people are like. I'm excited about ramen noodles because even if they taste good, you want to sit with 20 other people making that noise. Hannibal Lecter makes bean noises all the time.
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation

More Interesting Facts About,

bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation...

You have to get ramen noodles to go, that's something to go or they should make you sit outside. on a windy day, when you eat it so no one has to listen to you slurp this, no matter how broke it is, I've never driven a car like that, at some point you just have to pull out the credit card and fix the rear bumper. You don't accept it the moment you put the badge back on, you just accept yourself, that's like if you gained a few kilos and instead of eating a salad you buy the next size of pants, right?
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation
You just accepted the fact that that you're slowly going to become a fat man, you know these people with their bumpers and their bellies, I just had it there, it's ribs, USA I should probably turn off the car. global warming, you know I'm in Indianapolis, Indiana, home of uh, the wine and the ass of the Indianapolis Colts, oh. they cheated they took a hair off the ball that's why we lost by 35 incredible this is what I love about jim irsay that complaint made a stick and he works there hey jimmy is probably still awake from last night if you know what I mean everyone Anyway we're going to go to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, to the Indy 500.
bill burr s guide to driving etiquette season 1 compilation
Oh, that's what Indianapolis Motor Speedway is home to. This old lady smoking cigarettes is a guy, no, she's a woman that I love the Midwest and that they haven't seen. an increase in overall support in their entire life they don't mind smoking cigarettes with a little raw red meat in their front shirt pocket look at this coffee smiling I like indianapolis this guy has a shovel always filling the potholes man they made money here eh, you never see that in Los Angeles, oh, I see what the Indy 500 is doing here, so they're filling in the potholes, they're making it look good, so right now we're on the road to Indianapolis.
Motor Speedway, home of the Indianapolis 500, which will be held this Memorial Day weekend. The amazing thing about this circuit is that when you first see it, you can't believe how big it is because you forget that it has to be big enough for people to be on.

driving

200 miles an hour, so we'll meet one of the drivers who will take me to the track. I know who you think he'll take you to. Bill Rick approaches Gordon John A.J Foyt No, none of those old idiots. of them are probably dead the only one danica patrick a lovely lady do you realize how legendary this place is?
I almost got chills when I walked in here, holy shit, this is amazing, okay

bill

burr

, here I am, at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway with the legendary Danica. Patrick is going for a ride and I'm going to tell you right now. I hate being in the passenger seat. I'm definitely going to be scared. Are you bored? After doing a race, you don't drive home. like you know, so you're sitting and stuff and you go into traffic like a subaru. Have you had one of those Ricky Bobby rivalries with any driver that, even if you come in seventh place, as long as they're actually an atheist site?
In racing that tends to be a problem between teammates, you usually have the most similar team to them, so it's the biggest test of talent I saw with Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg, there you have it and the Formula One is very, very fun, that's all. right here, this is so iconic I can't believe it's here right now, you know what Eric noticed about you? iron like a calm sailing through here thank you and you say, well, you know, stay here, stay along the wall. I mean, you're coming into the corner at 230 235 miles per hour without going up 235 miles.
Sounds pretty good, actually, doesn't it? How are you going to get on someone's ass like that, knowing all the time that everything someone has to do? It's just hook on your back and you're going to fly into the wall, you just don't think it through, yeah, you're so focused like you're going to get around these thoughts that turn into things, no, uh, come on. Don't think about those things, let's take this time and just think about it. Is incredible. I'm pretty sure it didn't occur to me, but I'm pretty sure it's a saying, but I want to do it. use it on my wife, it's true, thoughts become things, I don't want to go too fast, but I was thinking of speeding it up a little, yeah, let me have the experience.
I went here in '95 and '96. I used to watch. This every year when I was a kid, you know, Rick Mears and yes, Mario Andretti. Look, this is cool, so you walk up along the wall. Now you should feel like you're still in first gear. Well, I mean, the car rolls and moves. You know a lot compared to the other cars. Oh yeah, I thought I was going to be nervous, but you're so calm. How long have you been doing this? This is my 27th

season

of racing, 27 and you're retiring, right? I think it's amazing?
Thank you. I'm so glad someone is finally excited about my retirement. As if it were beautiful. Your left is still in its prime. I don't know how it works with racing drivers. you have to run and do things, your body breaks down and then it starts to make you sad, you're not that fast, how do you stop running? I think you don't care enough anymore and there's so much risk. the line where you start thinking about that part, have you ever been driving 200 miles an hour right on top of someone's butt, someone right behind you and you just start thinking about going to the mall or something and it's When do you start thinking about that?
Like I have to quit racing, not like I'm wondering if they're going to make another announcer, so you're like, wait a minute, I'm an indy 500 right now, I hope they make another announcer and Bob announcer like one of all time. My favorite, but I imagined you as Veronica Corning Stone, like all these people, well, she was like, yeah, qualified, when's your last race? This is like a legendary journey. We are on the track with you. How many miles around are these two and a half miles? Two and a half miles around, so that's 200 laps, 500 miles. After a while you actually get very confused, sometimes there are parts in the race and you say we're only on lap 35 or you say shit, how come there are 40 left?
You know there are certain points in the race that go a lot faster than other points I relate to that as a comedian tonight, you go on stage and you think I must have done 50 minutes and you've only been there for like 11 and somehow, burnt out for most of your act oh that's good fully feeling my face being stopped here this is amazing i literally go twice as fast in an indy car as this double speeder oh that's how cool that is now how do you do it? you do? You stay calm when you're leading in a place like this without thinking about "don't screw this up right" I say to myself, I mean you, you just concentrate very singularly, you're thinking like you know how the car feels .
How can I stay ahead of the balance? How do I make sure that you don't know that the front stays engaged and I don't let it make you know too much understeer too quickly and then not being able to turn and then you know what the other cars are doing and you know, looking in the mirrors, you hear your spotter , you're listening if someone is off strategy, you know you're, I understand there's a lot going on, some of that I got right, I think that's going to have to be our trigger, it was amazing how fast we were going when you were actually going because when we were doing 8 21 30 yeah, I think this is a good player, I can't believe I just have to do that.
It was great, thank you very much, yes of course, there you go, the legendary Indianapolis Motor Speedway, I want to thank Danica Patrick for not hitting the wall or anything, it's my job, calm down, I thought I was going to be nervous. Wasn't it amazing? None of those tourists over there care about me. This is Bill Burr and I'm making another one of these driving videos. These are how to drive. There are people who are a little more polite. There is so much screaming and yelling on Facebook. Wouldn't it be nice if it stopped when you got on the road?
I'm in uh, I'm in Indianapolis, Indiana, home of uh, home of this downtown area. I mean, who is kidding? Who? The pacemakers never won anything. They have a hockey team, they don't have a baseball team, oh, could you shut up, no, I'm sorry, I'm done too, that was too strong, that's too strong, you would interrupt me so rudely anyway, there's an area in the center where you arrive at your destination. the right you just can't have this for some reason in downtown Indianapolis we have enough lanes for a freeway this thing shut up it ate that navigation thing I can't stand it I remember back in the day you just you just you had a map, I know I sound like an old man, but at least you could keep listening to your song, give me some sugar back then in the late 80's, it always plays during the best part, you know you're totally in your fantasy you're playing the guitar solo in front of everyone who did you wrong and said, wow, we were really wrong about it and then all of a sudden it's like a left turn, okay, here we go, this is a countdown I had. long time to go through the caution light, then you know I make that guy go first and lose the people behind us filming us.
It's awful anyway, this guy is staring at me, staring at me, I hope he doesn't have any problems. with cameras, are you watching, good sir? Don't they have cameras here? They never filmed the Real Housewives of Indianapolis episode. You know, with them putting their horseshoes on the bottom of those high heels. Oh, that was me, the one who was bad anyway. If you notice I just made a nice left turn, I used my turn signal and then sped up a little so this guy behind me doesn't get mad. There's nothing wrong with someone cutting into your lane, as long as you keep going. where you come from and then you hit the brakes like it's okay, no, I'm not sure how to make these license plates very patriotic here, a lot of people here, Indiana, very proud to be Americans, if you know what I mean, the clan is strong in this state that's all I'm saying once again there's just no traffic there's literally no traffic the moment you put these cameras in the car everyone leaves you saw what that guy was looking at he saw you looking by the way, do not do it. do that when you go to an intersection, well here on the right is the uh the alexander, it's a very important thing that has to do with buildings and hotels, now you do the Ohio state thing, you put the front and then everyone like oh This must be special, it really isn't, you know what you can never use when you're in a hotel, you can never use a face cloth unless you're cleaning something because I'm convinced 40 loads a month go off on those damn ones. things, you know, I guess, unless you're masturbating to something other than that, I'd keep it away from your face.
Yeah, I'm just going to rename these videos. Bill Cruises moves while everyone stays. in their own lane, you know what I'm realizing, I think I've just been a psychopath and all these things, I think they happen every five seconds, actually maybe they happen once you drive, you gotta love a good bus station , you know there are Sure there are a lot of degenerates down there, but there's always like a gem or something living in a locker getting ready to sing another hit song that the old flop will say, whatever she used to say, passing another red light, passing over there, you go and the the guy behind me did it our own film crew you want to speed up you want to make the flight you want to pass I'm going to ignore those people in wheelchairs oh just gliding around town like there's no purpose to these videos Look at me, I have my hand on the wheel like this, I'm leaning over and cutting nine lanes.
Nobody whistles at me. I'll tell you one thing.These people in Indianapolis work, they get to work and that's it, or they're still sleeping. Is this a speed trap? What is the speed like 15 miles per hour? Oh, it's so the guy can if he's painting the line, he has to do it himself, he has to push it, ah, that's a lovely event in progress, road closure, shut up, this is alert. I just said the road is closed, that's not close, look at this working out up there, he goes, he's doing burpees, what's wrong with crossfit people they can't just work out?
Everyone should know that you are exercising. It's like I exercise. The inside goes up to the top of the statue like it's in Rocky, so now it's supposed to be downtown Indianapolis. To speed up here before you go over the entrance ramp is designed to speed up, you know what I see it does people on the road, I never see that person who stopped to stop and then sits in the emergency lane. and they want to meet the people who drive 70 miles an hour and they flash their lights and they just pull out, you have to pick up speed, get to about 50 55 and then you come, it all makes common sense, right, it all makes sense.
For me, look at that stupid giant Lucas oil field stadium. You know, these poor people here are still paying for the Hoosier landfill, that cheating bastard. I'll tell you one thing I would never be here. indiana I would never be an uber driver I mean there is literally no one here with this level of people so this is what you dream of there is a cruise ship okay this is getting a little weird there are just people walking around in the middle of the street here we in the woods now faster and turkey through a ten horn that rock if I thought there was a snake underneath none of this makes sense you know living in Los Angeles this blows my mind I forgot the green that could be you I know you once flew across the country from the east coast to the west coast.
It's like observing someone's life. You know, it all starts out beautiful and lush. country, it levels out, that's when you get married, you have kids, you're just going to do this, I'll stay with you, the rockies, that's when you get kidney stones, then you go to the southwest and it's all just that first pain. your right side, look at this perfect right near a cemetery, it all goes right back down into the ocean, I swear too much, I gotta clean up my act, gee, I'm driving like an idiot, idiot face, okay, this is going to be talking all the time on anything we can leave her I'll improvise with her hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and I'm talking about the robot lady on the map here and it's time to watch another one of my driving instructional videos here on the everything comedy network related for those of you who are not familiar with these videos, I have a tendency to lose my mind and evidently according to people who think they are therapists, they tell me it's because I have expectations of people.
What are you doing? What are you doing? You come? You come? Good move, although it wasn't bad. Everyone is doing everything correctly here. This is a perfect Thursday and I turn on another light. I feel like I'm in the presidential motorcade right now. Secret service guys, you know, hanging off to the side with your stirrup on the handle, this is a perfect Thursday and I make another light. I don't know what this street is, but this is my favorite street in Los Angeles. I have literally never run through a red light. There is nothing more fun than a red light.
Okay, now you step on the gas, run the light, and make sure the guy behind you does it. He didn't do it because he's joking, but I'm thinking about him. Look, I'm having empathy for other people. Here's another green light. Please turn left in 500 feet. Now how do I turn left here? This says not to turn left. Look at this. You want to make an illegal turn here. Well, I guess I can do a U-turn, can I do it right here? Let's find out right now what I just did there. You're not supposed to do that unless you look both ways and don't see a cop.
Jesus Christ, this is what I do. I feel like I'm in Adam 12. It's like the population of Los Angeles in the 1960s. I feel like a plague came to Los Angeles and like everyone died right when we were setting up these cameras. Look at this, everyone behaves and stays in the correct lanes. I don't think we need to make more of these videos. I think everyone drives very well now. I didn't realize there were desolate areas in the greater Los Angeles area. I feel like we found everything right. I just did it in the left lane. right on Saturday Street, okay, wait, am I the problem?
I think I'm the problem. Oh my gosh, look buddy, there's literally no one on the road. This is very funny. I have never had this driving experience in Los Angeles. This is like a feeling. -good movie, everything went well today, did I just upload? I think so. I'm in the wrong damn lane. Now I'm going to show you something you're not supposed to do. This is called the slip you command. from sashay about this it's going to be a boston move here and here we go and you can't get mad when someone beeps at you when you do this what you do is you just do this like hey I'm just mirroring your moves and he didn't beep me, See, that was kept at a small distance, there are just arrows pointing which direction it was supposed to go.
I'm the worst, well, no I don't think we learned much today other than what not to do in the way he led people. I don't pretend to know things and shouldn't you be at work right now instead of sitting in your cubicle secretly watching these things I don't do? I don't even know what I did, I literally had one of the most enjoyable trips I've ever taken in Los Angeles, which was like a country road, and I'm going to take credit for that. I think everyone is listening. I think I'm changing lives with these videos. Very good, thanks for watching.
I hope it was educational. I hope it was entertaining. Have a good day and may God bless the United States of America. Okay, I'm showing you that this is the part of La You're Never. I'm going to see this is north of the valley, oh, another apartment building, yeah, because we need more people. I would love to be an old man living in the valley one day. You know, just walking around in my striped shirt. I just talked to the other old guys. there at the coffee shop drinking again and thinking about when you loved me I'm having a few I want a day drinking roscoe boulevard okay, this lunatic looking at a damn phone wishes it was a sign or something, you know, I don't He doesn't care because it's a little aggressive so they come up and bump into you, this guy looks at us like he's going to be discovered.
I swear to God there is something in the valley that makes you feel like 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I just want to go to a bar, you know, meet a guy who guest starred on ER. He used to be on a show, watch out, he was on chips, get out of here. What was Eric Estrada like? Oh, he's a great guy. You know, that guy over there should have turned left and he didn't, then you turn his direction, that's a big deal, you wait until the light turns green and then you turn in your direction, you leave that person on the right . against your bumper, this guy sells sandwiches and donuts, he just got a photo, you should pick one, it's probably delicious, look at that piece of these rundown malls and it'll be like the best donut you've ever had, it was a nice U-turn that guy just did there i like that one you know he did it got out of the way everything was fine this guy is doing a cookout here dude that's like the next level homeless guy the valley is the place to be homeless like that that he's cleaning up after himself, oh the adult hustler, why are we driving in the opposite direction of that guy?
Everyone watches porn, but can you imagine he's introducing himself to that thing? I'm a big fan of your work, it just scares them, oh my gosh. Could they have enough security on that thing? Oh, he look what I did there. I just stopped so this guy could go around the corner and keep an eye on the trucks. Another thing you have to watch out for is all these cutting in front of the trucks when you know they have all that weight behind them, they can't stop what I love about the valley, look at all those signs out there, all these signs of old school when we thought we would like to colonize the moon and you know our mega fitness. downtown, old school movie theater, man, this is the one, I bet there are some really good places to eat here and burgers in and out without a line, wow, oh there's a light that's not bad, so there's no Traffic, I'm doing a lot of you.
I shouldn't be doing, I'm looking at the way in and out, how Burger King survives so close to an entrance and exit, there's no one there, there's a lot of nothing right there that, when you have a kid, people buy it. I'll buy you a big pink teddy bear, Jesus, you see that Terry Bradshaw lady, sure with the fishing nets, maybe she's some of the talent at the Spearmint Rhino, Jesus, have you ever seen so many damaged people? for the sun in your life? Get out of here, man. This is the desert if I lived here I would sweep up all that trash just for my own well-being look that was the original Walmart where we are buddy the valley is the place to be I wonder what a house costs here you

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