Bill Burr - Motherhood Isn't The Hardest Job

Oh great I got into an argument with my girlfriend the other day she likes to watch The Oprah Winfrey Show and I love watching her watch The Oprah Show and then I wait for Oprah to say something I don't agree with and then I drink she takes it out on my girlfriend because I'm a Oh Oprah brings this guest she gives her this great introduction she's been to it she's been to it and she does the

hardest

job on the planet she's a mom so I immediately look at my girlfriend I think really Being a mother is the

hardest

job on the planet.

How many mothers died on Ice Road Truckers last season? Any mother was washed overboard at Deadliest Catch. I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but would you rather have a job? you want to dig scallops from the bottom of the ocean catching that lobster trap in the back of your head you want to hang out in the sun with a couple of rugrats you would send them to bed whenever you want and some of them succeeded- raise charges because you want to have a drink and watch The Price is Right I don't know maybe I'm wrong maybe this is the hardest job I mean I thought roofing in the middle of July she's a redhead you know I thought that was a hard job I really did it I thought it was hard but evidently, evidently these mothers are bending at the waist putting dvds in dvd players going to war pinned down by a sniper what a joke you got a burpo baby and you forget to put that towel up there's another shirt you got a wash oh get up with your knees and put him on that machine it does it for you mate any job you can do in your pajamas ain't hard im sure it's hell with these moms watching drawing s animated taking naps look I'm playing but you know come on I know it's a hard job but the hardest job on the entire planet remember when saddam let the oil fields burn down and those poor bastards had to put it out 4000 degrees walking with your little asbestos shield just walking on fire you wanna do that or see bob the builder again let me be honest with yourself i have a dog recently i did it i went down to the pound i got one of those dogs for free yes that's how i say it no i mean i rescued a dog i hate when people say she's totally obnoxious that's a complete exaggeration she's a rescue yes i really rescued her you pulled her out of a burning building you jumped into a river with your clothes on without caring about your own safety or just going to the pound and getting a free dog is what you did was stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards crawling on your elbows use do hand signals, mate, did you ever go down to the kennel they just gave them away.

Don't even do a background check. You want a man out of here. Who is the next one. You want a poodle. Come on. You have a permit. she got the classic dog girlfriend move, that's just a 10 to 15 year Engagement Why would you include me in that decision? What would I need to know to talk on Skype? some you could take the day with you know what I'm saying so we're on skype let me see her get her moving and I think I'm going to see you meet a little chihuahua whatever those dogs are I look medially like this hellhound, he's just a huge dog and it seems like I'm starting to freak out.

I'm like a pitbull. Please tell me you didn't get a pitbull. She's like she's not a pitbull. pitbull look at that chunky like he's been doing pull-ups his whole life front legs were still bandaged up from shadowboxing he's got a teardrop tattoo what's a pitbull what else do you need to see oh it gets worse she and a friend didn't actually put it down in the animal shelter. They found it by the Los Angeles River, yes. h this was a real deal she said they were going to be out there for 10 days don't you think that's bad? no it's scary because judging by his physique he got a lot of protein in the last week and a half without eating nuts and berries he's fine he was choking the runners he was twisting the rabbits' heads you brought a killer into the house just rescue an alligator while you're at it tuck him under the bed add excitement you know it's great even though i fell in love with the dog i absolutely love this dog and i totally believe in the breed and i know a lot of people don't like pitbulls because they ate a couple children's.

I understand that I owe it to yourself. at some point in your life walking down the street with a pit bull you have to do it it's awful getting off the road three four blocks away they see me coming immediately they start crossing the street i love it i feel like a king no i don't know why black people get They complain that I love having the whole street side. myself yes blacks have no idea how hard it is for a white man to have to walk down the street every half block having frivolous conversations about the weather I'm mad thinking it's going to classify why we have to have this conversation no, that's tremendous i like respect look at me my whole life i've looked like ron howard do you realize my whole life i've been repeatedly mugged i've never had any street cred the second they see this four legged p90x body coming by the street that's it he's the best dog on the planet you gotta get a pit ball i tell ya man he's like a gun you can pet get two of them down just tied up suddenly there's no line at the atm you let him sit all day The world opens up for you, okay, let's end this here, oh yeah, I had lunch the other day, huh, I'm a big conspiracy theorist, I drive my girlfriend crazy, you know, I think they're about to put a microchip everyone yeah they have this commercial in the states you have that commercial here for duracell batteries they're selling batteries and the commercial is a woman who can't find her son in the park that's how they sell batteries like what they'll expect is own batteries reminiscent of the old commercials they only show a guy in a storm who has a flat pulls out a flashlight oh thank god a duracell casino why don't you understand?

That was now to show this woman she can't find her son in the park she said they're gone Kevin Kenny hey has anyone seen Kevin sitting there scared because she pulls out this little device but the baby bit and here comes Kevin running out of the woods and they're like duracell batteries it's like fuck batteries what was that thing he just took out of his pocket but kevin didn't come out of the woods he didn't have an antenna his sneakers weren't glowing what the hell is kevin what's up connected to that device don't just show me that's normal uh yeah steal t kid yeah come on team mommy y'all were great thank you so much people say have you ever smoked weed?

I go, I don't need another reason to be hungry, like you ever saw a guy flirt with a woman through a group of other people. like he doesn't even bother to walk up to her just like he's yelling at her like hey you with the boobs y'all move what's up? I'm Greg like that guy.