Bill Burr - Motherhood Isn't The Hardest Job

How are you fantastic? The other day I had an argument with my girlfriend. She likes to watch the Oprah Winfrey show and I love to watch her watch the Oprah show and then I wait for Oprah to say something I don't agree with and then I bring it up to my girlfriend because I'm so Opra brings it to this guest, she gives this great introduction, she's been in this, she's been in that and she does the

hardest

job on the planet, she's the mother, so I immediately look. My girlfriend, I really think that being a mother is the

hardest

job on the planet.

How many mothers died on Ice Road Truckers last season? Did any moms get swept overboard in Deadliest Catch? I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but what would you rather have? as a job, you want to pull scallops from the ocean floor, catch that lobster trap on the back of your head, what do you want to spend in the sun with a couple of Rugrats, you can send them to bed whenever you want and some triumphant. extra charges because you want to have a drink and see the prices properly I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's the hardest job, I mean, I thought Roofing in mid-July is a redhead, you know, I thought that. that was a hard job, I really did it, I thought it was hard, but evidently, evidently, these mothers are bending at the waist putting DVDs in DVD players going to war pinned down by a sniper, what a joke, do you ever burp? to a baby and you forget it. to put that towel up there there's another shirt you have to wash oh pick it up with your knees and put it in that machine that does it for you friend any job you can do in your pajamas it's not difficult it's not, I'm sure it is Yes , to hell with these mothers watching cartoons taking naps.

Look, I'm playing, but you know, come on, I know it's a hard job, but the hardest job on the entire planet. Remember when Saddam burned down the oil fields and those poor bastards were gone? go put them out 4000 of walking with your little asbestos shield just walking through the flames do you want to do that or see Bob the Builder again I mean be honest with yourself I have a dog recently I did it I went to the pound I have one of those dogs Free, yeah, that's how I say it. I'm not saying I rescued a dog.

I hate when people say it's totally disgusting. It's a complete exaggeration. She is a rescue. Yes, I rescued her. Did you really take her out of a fire? building, you jumped into a river with your clothes on without worrying about your own safety or you just went down to the pound and got a free dog, isn't that what you did? You stopped acting like you had to pull a pair. of guards crawling on your elbows using hand signals, dude, you ever go down to the pound they're just giving them away, they don't even do a background check, you want me out of here, who's next, you want a poodle, come on. you got a perm it'll be funny that's my uh my girlfriend got the dog when I was uh when I was traveling I was traveling she got the dog classic girlfriend move right that's just a 10 to 15 year commitment why?

Would you include me in that decision? What would you need to know? So with Skype, I thought she had one of those little dogs you know, like a Yorkshire Terrier or something you could throw across the room if she got out of line, something you could grab. Your day off, you know what I'm saying, so we're talking on Skype. I'm going to let her see it and I think I'm going to see, you know, a little Chihuahua, whatever those dogs are. m I immediately stared like she was a dog from hell, this dog was just huge and it seemed like I was starting to go crazy.

I think she is a pitbull, please tell me you didn't get a pitbull. She's like she's not a Pitbull, she's a mix. what other pit bull look at that thing, looks like he's been doing pull ups his whole life, his front paws were still taped together, shadow boxing, he got a teardrop tattoo, he's a pit bull, what else do you need to see? Oh it gets worse, she and a friend didn't actually pound it, they found it by the Los Angeles River, yeah this thing was real, she's sitting there, it was there for 10 days, don't you think it's sad?

No, it's scary because judging by his physique, he got a lot of protein for the last week and a half, he didn't eat nuts or berries, okay, he was choking on runners, he ripped heads off rabbits, you brought a murderer home, you just rescued an alligator while you're at it getting under the bed adds to the excitement you know what's cool although I fell in love with the dog I absolutely love this dog and I'm totally sold on the breed and I know a lot of people don't like pit bulls. because they ate a couple of kids, I understand that I'm telling you that at some point in your life you owe it to yourself to walk down the street with a pit bull, you have to do it, it's tremendous, people just move three blocks out of the way.

They see me coming, they immediately start crossing the street. I love it. I feel like a king. I don't know why black people complain about that. I love having the whole side of the street to myself. It's amazing, yeah, black people have no idea how. It's difficult as a white man to have to walk down the street every half block to have frivolous conversations about the weather oh man I think it's going to rain why do we have to have this conversation no, it's tremendous I like the look of respect my whole life I've looked like To Ron Howard, do you realize that I have been repeatedly assaulted my entire life?

I've never had any street cred when they see this four-legged P90X body coming down the street, that's all. He's the best dog on the planet, you gotta get a pitbull, I'm telling you man, he's like a G, you can pet him, get two of them to come to you, just leashed, suddenly there's no line at the ATM, you like just the Everybody opens up for you, okay, let's end this here I, uh, had lunch the other day, uh, I'm a big conspiracy theorist. I drive my girlfriend crazy, you know, I think they're ready to microchip us all, yeah.

They have this commercial in the United States, you know, you have that commercial here for Duracell batteries, they are selling batteries and the commercial is a woman who can't find her son in the park, that's how they sell batteries. The way is to sell batteries. Remember the old commercials that just show a guy in a storm who has a flat, pulls out a flashlight, thank God he had a cell phone? You can see how wet I'm getting. That was it. Now this woman's program. she can't find her son in the park, she said they're going to be related Kevin, does anyone think Kevin is sitting there freaking out, she pulls out this little device and here comes Kevin running out of the woods and they say they sell batteries, it's like dude ?

Screw the batteries, what was that he just pulled out of his pocket? How did Kevin know to come out of the woods? He didn't have an antenna. His sneakers didn't shine. What the hell is it about Kevin that is connected to that device? Won't you show me that's normal? Yes, robot kids should go see mom. You guys were amazing. Thank you so much. People say. Have you ever smoked marijuana? Go. I don't need another reason to be hungry like always. I've seen a guy flirt with a woman through a group of other people, so don't even bother walking up to her, just yell at her, hey, you guys with your tits, you guys move, what's up?

I'm Greg, like that guy.