Being Funny (2011) FULL SHOW | Jimmy CarrFeb 27, 2020
I'm Jimmy Carr these are my jokes let's not talk about have you seen me before who has never seen me before you sound happier not quite sure this is working according to Ofcom. Television is the F word and the C word, but I'm live on stage tonight, so I can say whatever I want. They can't do anything about it. I'm having trouble going out tonight. I had to arrange a babysitter. I don't have kids. cheaper than escorts, she's 17, there's nothing she won't do for £50, so kind of a joke, right? A lot of time away from home because this is my job I travel around the country telling jokes to people I love it but I spend a lot of time away from home staying in hotels because I have to travel I was in a hotel a couple of weeks ago I went into the room of the hotel when i entered there only on tv. he said the adult channel is disabled, well that's a bit of a specialist.
I'm kidding. They didn't gut me. There is no space porn. all these old cripples hear something so dumb it's almost brilliant so stupid it only takes a moment for you to realize what just happened I'll give you an example I was on a bus I heard this girl get on the bus walk the driver and go can I come back and the driver went where and she came back here it took me like an extra heartbeat what's going on oh she's an idiot okay people are supposed to care about their physical appearance we all have silly complexes personally I'm worried that one of my testicles is larger than the other two.
I shaved my testicles. I called them Brazil nuts. Makes me laugh. The first weeks. I joined Weight Watchers. think power line finish off laugh don't worry about
beinglate nonsense and i only have redheaded people tonight we are going to need redheaded people contain the problem they are good redheaded people are given a hard time people say very nasty things about them redheads but I think you should be humanely destroyed. I can talk. Look at the look. I'm rocking like Lego Hitler when I broke up with my last girlfriend. I said, I said. I blame myself. i have to go you read the sunday papers no meme jill read the sunday papers i like the sunday papers i think it's a good time to reflect on the last week and also to look forward to the week ahead we have read the sunday papers like the news world in bed sunday morning a couple of weeks ago tito's sunday papers what could be better what could be more british anyway my girlfriend turns to me there is some sex scandal on the news world is invariably there and we will girlfriend turn to me and when i open never fi And find out you're having an affair, he told me that you might as well be the moral arbiter in this Birmingham, right, you'd be the moral arbiter in this case tonight.
I have a friend. His girlfriend left him. She ended their relationship. just because he said something they were making love they were in the middle of intercourse when he reached orgasm when he came exultant it was the most intimate moment but also the most vulnerable for a man, since that happened when he said bang and the dirt is gone I can see two different sets of men there's someone looking at me like I don't know that's bad I think maybe she overreacted a little and then I can see other men looking at me like saying Note to myself: you have to be very careful with jokes in the bedroom because it's so much fun telling a girl who's blowing you off to talk with her mouth
fullbut it's even more fun if she says it's not
fullhaving sex with someone at work is fine as long as you don't work in a ool elementary school i have a friend who is a part time teacher but they are all part time they are their teachers come on your own time you are wasting where teachers give us a shout out p rteachers and what was the first you were attracted to wormy kids not all teachers are obviously crazy but phys ed teaches they are wrong and you know PE is short for fart you can live that you know why so many american kids die in the high school massacres because they are not allowed to run in the halls take your time without that
beingwrong on several levels so i don't know if you've noticed this perm it's so hard to get the first kiss ok you want to be firm but soft you want be manly don't wake her up first dates are very delicate there is someone on a first date tonight there is someone on a first date not on your own it seems a little suspicious isn't it we are going somewhere very special oh sorry the women noticed that they don't masturbate they just expect us to believe they actually enjoy baths w call me foot butt well good luck if you're on a first date to see that first c Itas are very delicate because if you call her the next day, she will think that you are too interested, she will beep if you never called her. i will think the worst of you so what i do as a compromise i call her the next day i call her lazy sometimes you can feel like a friend wants to take things further it will ruin the friendship things get hot and heavy in the so why one night you think this doesn't feel right you're my best friend you're not even allowed on the couch table john-boy i said down boy i did it gay me a girl with one leg should he use my i realized this joke doesn't require one of mine Saturday night in Birmingham come on I told my girlfriend I told her I told her you want to experiment with a roleplaying game rape fantasy she said no I told her that's the spirit rape is such a horrible word is such a harsh, brutal, horrible word, rape, that's why i prefer to call it fight, snuggle, you couldn't get mad at a fight. nuggles you might damn adorable um no I've been a comedian for about ten years I've been doing this job for about ten years and I thought this year I thought this year I'd try to improve a little bit not a crazy idea right one of the things that was pretty weak with regional accents is if someone here is good with regional accents you could barely say the word yeah they are so good at speaking never mind accents but i was not good at regional accents and it's one of those. things that as a comedian it's pretty good if you could be good with regional accents because you're good at telling jokes but i thought ok i'll go i'll do some research tonight i'd like to give you a master class in regional accents because i figured out the secret and the secret is this all what you need is a key phrase to start in the regional dialect and then you're golden once you start once you get in your head you find but starting can be tricky so I'll start by seeing what I'll start with the scouts that Scouse is on we've got scouts out there where this guy is so let us know and we won't take away your benefits this is the phrase i use to frown the phrase i have in my head to start off with this awesome chicken of cows and a conical chicken from Hold'em and i love amazing chicken in a car that walks on the chemical, the little head moves only if you say a couple of times amazing chicken and i can't call hag We love making the scousers feel at home we're all going with three Alton chickens and a conical ok one two three fantastic Barbie friend well done obviously that's just to get you started once you you start you can say anything correctly or authentically Scouts Alton chicken on a conical I'm going in the Rob I've got to get a Prezi It's me Grandma's birthday is 30 Anybody from Belfast Anybody from Belfort You're built Belfast Where's Belfast?
Hey Belfast this is the phrase I used to get the Belfast Accent right ginger a d community the scary look is optional we think it helps ginger and community community has more syllables than you thought a hat ok let's all try let's go to Belfast a ginger and community one two three are now all qualified to say there's a bomb in the car roller coaster pooper-scooper oompa loompa kawasaki for unrelated words nonsense in all respects except if you're trying to do the Geordie accent, in which case they are a gift roller coaster school bar Kawasaki rule our course school parties tar-bar I know they are presumably outside shirtless fighting.
I wonder what the boys are doing. Well, we should go to Walsch. My God people. We have an army. Hi now i found out the secret of the welsh accent its not so much a phrase its more a state of mind to make a good welsh accent you just have a confused sound of whos that jacket whos shoes are those trainers its all to try oh scott is that jacket who shoes are those trainers look at those two houses, the middle one is mine, that paper you're sitting on, are you reading that i left the store and my bike wasn't there? three words side ok not bad she one of my best friends is from Manchester her name is Ally they named her where she was conceived any scots we have scottish hello living the stereotype of your love obviously the burly scottish accent the best phrase to use is ha There has been a chance murder on the property has been living in Scotland, of course, the main benefits are unemployment and housing. see if i say yes up there they think i'm a double act and the drunks wouldn't believe the drugs were about to go to scotland you from william i don't know where that is sorry you got some kind of warren act and know your impediment from speak i think the loch ness monster you introduce yourself sorry sorry about the drugs on the drugs in scotland my upstairs has a call no methadone has a i can't believe it's not heroin thinks the easiest accident in the uk is the West Country because the West Country is just a pirate voice that can't make a pirate voice.
I had a date with my sister. Oh, my mommy doesn't know what I am. cheating on her, are there people in the West Country who don't patronize? It will just be a little treat for you to see a ham with five fingers now it won't be the sentence if you were trying to do the Birmingham accent what would it be? the phrase for Birmingham wouldn't be the thing if it was going to be fine fine the other phrases seem to come up a lot in Birmingham it sucks well it sucks any other phrase for Birmingham what else was that that was just all the vowels what was hey me everything ok now oh and you're a stroke he said i shouldn't really i'm kidding about a stroke stroke survivor we're laughing at the other side of my face there are other words any other catchphrases for birmingham watery caputo how you poorly educated the only others exotic accents in the rooms someone from abroad or more exciting anyway and there won't be anyone from the uk we've missed and you anywhere else in the uk jersey you haven't gone to accentuate, tax evading scum who knew there was so much anti Jersey sentiment that was finally simmering someone said it basically you're french now off well it's a different accent rent we haven't covered Essex you dirty milf scum scum I don't know how they make Essex men presumably a man a chicken any other good sorry Ozzie I can do what I can do is make sure £25 a ticket.
I thought we had priced you. You're sure. in the tin tin tin tin teen tintin do we have a who's up? Australian. Go ahead. Give him an oportunity. You're acting like a fucking Hoon mate, all arrogant, prize girl, you're never the best. Aries's whereabouts are not correct. Are you from Melbourne so you weren't affected by the floods? I'm going to let your people know that the people lost everything in the flood because they forgot to tie up their kangaroos. Serious people drowned and you didn't expect it because they all wear hats with corks on the others.
What was that? you are chinese you dont really sound chinese sir with you and i think if you had a chinese accent now you would know you would hit a lace ism on Z? Well, that took a long time. Jamaican, you know my name, are you aware of this? Oh well, this would be a gift for you. I like that everyone in the room now says my name with a Jamaican accent. you from dublin i saw the documentary about your weddings i thought it was great thats my phone you know im a plastic paddy what they call a plastic paddy of irish parents irish passport born in ireland but i talk and introduce myself this way because i was raised and educated in the home counties which
shows what they can do when they apply it's my favorite my fame my favorite irish joke maybe i'm just irish get this joke i'll tell them and they'll see what's the difference between a riot and a gypsy wedding no you can buy a door in a riot maybe that's just an irish thing huh well it will go on every year on my
I write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception so I thought I'd show you some of the photos I've taken. to illustrate the upcoming jokes, you want to see them great news because that's what's going to happen next. I've had some ideas. I'll start with some ideas. I've had an idea for a rape alarm, but when you press it, the Benny goes off. Hill's theme song, you know, to make it more of a mischief. Some tips for you. The best way to test the temperature of a bath is with the baby's elbow. hedollar what we do is print new pounds and this time the Queen smiles and if things get really ugly her majesty jokes for you what she gave you through the Queen and Prince Philip murdered in a tunnel it's been 14 years. over all correct point taken I'll leave that from Royal Variety I say Prince Philip has already pissed himself even though he's probably 82 and probably pissed himself anyway some ideas for you when you think about it a rhino is just a unicorn he didn't make a monster gillette ice cream gillette claims to be the best a man can get what about one of the twins what? it happened to jed woods the speed men shave in ads if i shaved at that kind of speed my balls would shatter when they told me i was bipolar i didn't know whether to laugh or cry my friend has ocd for those of you who don't know OCD is an abbreviation it's just a shorter and faster way of saying i would be a really annoying girlfriend true story if all the veins in your body were arranged in a straight line you would die let's talk about some social issues my neighbor is loud and nosy he is always banging the walls houses someone there i fell someone there nobody's business of yours here he's still quiet man e Oh Uncle Terry I was traumatized as a child our priest was cheating on me.
I just want to reach out to people who are attempting suicide and say, come on, go again. The keys to the city. of course i dont have that in liverpool have you just been given a hanger as a fashion statement socks with sandals says im german pedophile or possibly all three apologies 20 pedophiles or cons we have on its not gonna be some german a comedy concert helps let's talk about health that's important isn't it? I heard that because women get so fat during pregnancy it's a good idea to take off your wedding ring, so I gave a fancy touch to Victoria Beckham, she is so slim, you have to be careful when you take a bath because if the water is too hot, he could become an obese child. 40 years time the bird child of rage will be 43 I tell you what we talk about religion that couldn't possibly bother anyone if Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is to be in Christ then in all Christians only in the way that Jesus says that He loves me out of concern about the age difference, now he will notice it out of deference and respect for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I let it bug me. I have a Muslim friend who is very religious. has a muslim friend he's very religious knows quran backwards which is helpful because that's how you read it surprisingly knowledgeable harmless joke on islamic site and that's because i'm not an idiot whereas christians will you forgive me good luck speaking of christians all catholics on catholics catholics are an odd lot look at the rosary basically anal beads oh excellent now i think next for me ladies gentlemen as soon as to my career, it will be doing some kind of talk show or talking to people they know. this guy join us a couple of chairs you face parkinson jonathan ross graham not on those kind of shows that would be cool to get but you can't start doing that on tv like day one that be complicated so why The world would do on this tour is to practice pulling someone out in the audience every night with an interesting job or a claim to fame and interview them and practice doing the interviews a little bit so that to that end does anyone have an interesting job or a claim to fame oh great your hands have gone up what are you doing you were on tv in poland I'll take that to mean you work in the adult film business, so you've been on Polish TV. claim the wild fame in you and polish the radio well finally that's what the deal was sealed okay any other claim to fame interesting jobs any other some you could be from anywhere you're a jerk who's a priest you're a priest me I'm Looking at you, I'm thinking you might have had some dealings with jus priests I stand up for just a second, I just turn around so people can see I mean, am I being cynical?
Truly deafening our priest. Any other interesting job. I'm sorry you own your own pizzeria. buy no, there is a huge problem with obesity in this country, you should be ashamed of yourself. Pizza well done, well done and you're the best pizza, you say, voted Britain's best pizza by you, the world's best independent pizzicato. unusual jobs or claims to fame you're a what a funeral director your voice couldn't go better with your work buddy pinch you're ok so a funeral director that's nice that's interesting i like there's a job that's fascinating any other interesting job what is your name Caroline what do you do Caroline you work in television what what are you doing television you work in what sorry you work in Holby City well done love it done with Holby City i think the cool move with hobby city recently was casting Hugh Laurie and changing the location to america thank you i think we should talk to the funeral we should talk to the funeral director gilad i know better the chances of you coming here dont jump i will have to bury you but if you can come down here and then we could talk to the funeral during that sounds exciting as he goes down yes give me this matter he is going down as he goes down because it's a big old place he took in a minute any other claim to fame in the room any other any other exciting you're a paleontologist in Birmingham in case there are dinosaurs this is dinosaur bones yeah and look at those not just dinosaurs you have another part time job at any of you, what else do they look at in different fossils?
Wow, I know I'm sure paleontology, oh that's some wonderful, brilliant science stuff, but I did a project on dinosaurs when I was six and I absolutely loved it. I was very excited now. I took many photos and pasted them. in and I did a whole project on dinosaurs and I loved them and then what I did and this is an interesting note for you I grew up I'm still doing my dinosaur book I like it for a while I'll please you what's your favorite dinosaur a Velociraptor because of Jurassic Park oh, he might as well have said Barney, I'm just worried there's been a death in the village and they've taken him away from where he is, why does the logic come in how are you sir?
Sit down, I'm fine, do you feel it? How am I? Yeah, too bad it's our Booker, okay? I didn't even catch your name John John, okay, I'll tell you I'll set this up right. Hi, my name is Jimmy Carr. I'll be joined tonight by John, the Birmingham Funeral Director. What is your solution? what your average day involves coffins of men and making funerals and making funerals make coffins yeah collection ting deceased I'm kinda terrified for you so you pick up the body in a hearse or transit in the poor ambulance like a transit but a little fancier in beulah is it just a transit with ambulance written on it dilapidated? go and pick them up from the fact so you have to show up all kinds of you know the black suit and stuff for you yeah yeah yeah no one recognizes me recognized you anyway because they're dead it's probably from you you know it must be lovely to me someone who's still breathing it'll be a change for you um you get involved in embalming not so much no when i started i had a little yeah i said i'd pay with a degree and stuff but not so much now. doing it exaggerating years sorry not so much now and it seems there was an incident that prevented you from doing the wrong thing is to say you don't do as much with the body now and more to do with coffins and funerals and now you have to walk in this industry? is there any necrophilia now its something that is talked about how many ask because people think they will get away with it but ultimately you know they will get me because some rotten candles blew out on them.
It's my necrophilia joke. Everyone, you're welcome. Well, I got caught, but you mean great. this is based on something real but you might know there's even an old beautiful nice old lady and she's Gina your husband died and she goes to the funeral home she waits where would you work on that and she talks to the guy who it does. your work and she says it's beautifully styled she said oh you know that kind of vintage stuff always never looked better it looks lovely but but i wanted him to be in his blue suit and you've got plenty of browns you could could put him in it he's in his blue suit no it's brown suit and the guy says no problem ma'am and then he leans in the door and he's going to switch their heads in two and four because presumably once he buries them things they get stolen, dude, because people get buried with jewelery and things two things are not mine i feel good good look at me alone and what did you know you live in burma well cry go right outside where we are going racist black what is that is interesting tailor how do you you got into this how you became a friend for pink work experience at school you did your work experience it looks like you were late for that meeting what's left sir well you're going to be working with dead bodies that's a great thing that was almost certainly someone has woken up you hear stories about this it has something to do with fluids in the spine you hear stories about people who stay upright they are never nothing much ah no no nothing like that just place them how you want them to walk away if you have come to I shared a little bit about what you do and I think it's an interesting thing to do it's said like it's a less common job in life as a funeral director but the kind of dead bodies and things and death you have to deal with dealing are part of life, but whatever and I feel like I have to give something back and what I'm good at is writing jokes.
I'm good at doing kind of one-liners so I'd like to make a joke for you and it's kind of like my party John it's what I can do oh I can offer the world as jokes so what about what would you like a joke? a joke from the superior man just very fast drum and bass music why why did the lion get lost in the forest Adam oh because the jungle is huge yeah I don't know I think that was too easy I think that was too easy a thing like that that one would go for something else I would go for something more difficult we will do anything these abstract as you want motorcycles well well well well so two bikers like bikers like Hells Angel bikers right two huge guys motorcycles makes the entrance to a bar they are all in the harley car -davidson ever what helmets at the entrance to a bar bartender sees it coming, the bartender is going to drink, gentlemen, and the bikers, to french fries with cheese and onion, that is as good as it is useful, and now we do not, no we do, this is like a trap. true much off my head you just said bikers you could have said anything or motorcycles and i do bikers and off the top and two of them and then brilliant john y'all cheers john thank you very much thank you very much john y'all i very much enjoyed my brilliance motorcycle joke only with you he's the best man i hope when i die he buries me don't interfere john didn't like me when i was alive more me um my girlfriend told me during sex she said do you remember to close the front door i said yes , no way You're going to get away I had a relationship with a blind girl that was rewarding but challenging It took me a long time to get our husband's voice to fit You didn't see it coming neither did she pick up the guide dog Some young women drink so much let them pass out car remember what happened last night if that's you don't worry love i made a video i shouldn't be kidding my grandfather was an alcoholic we used to call him alcopops remember or that we used to press flowers why did I say that it used to fall on a many in the garden have been to the movies recently are all me in the movie scene now there is an ad in the theater telling you not to buy pirated DVDs because it's not the true movie experience and then goes on to say because if they buy a pirated dvd someone might get up in the middle of the movie let's pee and you think yeah that's annoying but it's a lot like being in a theater my ex girlfriend bought me the Karma Sutra last year as a gift, which put me in a very awkward position.
I'd like to talk about a sexual act that I don't fully understand. Is everyone familiar with 69? yeah no i like 69 as much as the next man oppa is a man that would be terrible i lied to 60 but i dont but i really dont get it because its an incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being, but how does 69 happen? It only happens when the man tells the woman that you would do what I like and the mother says, okay, link if you do what I like, no problem or where are you going. and the woman says no because the last time I did what you liked you got a little sleepy after you went to sleep you said let's call it 68 it's like a 69 buy I owe you one I like all of 69 apart from the view, the perineum or the spot, I like to call it Amanda Holden because like Amanda Holden on Britain's Got Talent last year ar is a bit between our soul and here's Morgan he's interviewing people now when I said I wanted Piers Morgan to have Parkinson's I didn't meanthat he's the job you shake your head our Parkinson's joke that's inappropriate right let's try some Rudolph here we go along lady wind queefing Fannie farts the expulsion of air from the vajayjay during sex a grunt there are two responses when a queef occurs some couples no matter how twisted or thumping the noise they deny the queef anything they haven't heard anything some couples it's a
funnylittle noise they laugh a little they move on no problem you I'll let go for a third way, I like to pretend the vagina is talking to me, what's that?
There is a boy trapped in a well. I like it. I think of myself as the vagina-whispering woman who gets a call. I imagine the drugs would arrive at any moment. You turned it off and it rang anyway. Well, I don't buy that story. Don't worry. I feel bad it's a sorry it's a late alarm come see me come see me and I'm late you're not the one I booked for the interval it's you it's very hard to talk dirty right if you know is this is really I forgot to get dirty too well, like in a long term relationship it's ok because you know where your limits are you know your partner but in a one night stand full of dangers i got a story about a friend of mine he's pretty good at pulling we were all together at a party and he dumped the girl none of us knew ended up back at his house that night having a sexual weld with him he high five so he told us a story the next day he said she started. if they had sunk she said talk dirty to me or more accurately talk dirty to me so from the filth rolodex on her head she came out with this and this would be fine for many of the ladies here within the confines of the room . the powder room, this would be nice to say with a long term loving trustworthy partner on a one night stand maybe not he said he loved you she said i'm not a and there was a very awkward moment like moments when you just insulting someone to the bottom of your balls he apologized profusely needless to say and they moved on imagine there's a story in there well you know how when you get a phrase you shouldn't say it's all you can think to say is at the tip of your tongue so like two minutes later true my friend somehow lost track of what she wasn't supposed to say she says it again you love it I'm not a and had an argument with her she didn't mean like A reflex action, when she said I'm not. a for the second time he said oh we just met she said you don't know me he said well that proves my point are there any couples tonight give us a couples share lots of couples tonight this is a bit silly i think, but for valentines i got sex coupons for my girlfriend since her gift didn't realize they are transferable it turns out they accept them or their job you come on stage in a long term relationship what you want to experience sexually but you know that it can be awkward and why does he find out that I have been in a relationship for 10 years now and he won't be anyone more than 10 years what is the longest time we spend in the room for 1326 more than 26 28 more than 2800 long so I feel you've been together for 43 years I think we're going 43 years now why obviously I don't know what it's like after 43 years I think it's an extraordinary commitment especially in this day and age that's quite a bit but I don't know if it's the same for you because sun o I've been with my girl for 10 years but things have gotten pretty predictable in the bedroom now when I put my whole bag of balls in her mouth she'll almost certainly wake up the same you can see you just went yeah , you seem worried about them, they will get married. 43 years old don't be scared they have tried everything what is your relationship send with them how do you know them they are your mom and dad while I wait for the image of your dad drinking tea to your mom I don't know whether to look your parents in the eye again i know you will be able to bring you sorry but this will be hard for you to believe i used to be a gentleman i need to talk about my sexual exploits even with close friends never kiss and tell always just keep it private private life for a private reason now i will talk about Anything is great for me because it's cathartic but I also think it's good for everyone because you talk about things that everyone feels a little bit more open and a little bit more normal because you know that there are weird things here is an example of an intimate detail that no I don't mind sharing with you my girlfriend can't have orgasms during intercourse but it's not a problem because I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she spit it in my face one my first girlfriend choked it was a terrifying blow ible there are inequalities between t he has sex and I think it's universally recognized that men get an easier deal in our society with women but I can think of an example where men get a very unfair deal that you know from the beginning in a relationship before you live together when you're just kind of staying at each other's house is a very exciting phase in a relationship in the history of the world no man has ever been to a girl's house and found a vibrator in the nightstand drawer and there's been a problem there's only one reaction on record and that's as follows Kiki Eli but when she finds a latex vagina in the sock drawer there's a lot to pay for the nation must be done.
I say sock drawers, actually the office. I say latex vagina. Birmingham gives a shout out men specifically give me a shout out Birmingham straight men just a little further down you all have had the conversation the pub conversation the classic pub conversation if you had to sleep with a man who would it be if you had that conversation You have that conversation you have another conversation I save you the embarrassment so I'll tell you what happens in that conversation so you're at the bar with a dude having a drink talking about love and life whatever you do out of nowhere is worth it if you had to sleep with a man i would be fine i wouldn't be like that i wouldn't be nobody if actually who to be what i wouldn't be like that i wouldn't be nobody if you act like you well i wouldn't know so nobody if you had to scream i wouldn't but if you act like i'm sleeping the man that would have been one wouldn't but if you act like you i wouldn't know so nobody if you had to but if you act but if you gonna think what wood but if you add two I wouldn't if you add two I wouldn't if you act fair be the man who I would be I wouldn't but if you had to but if you really thought if you added two it wouldn't get you very good.
They accused me of being gay, dear, but I was on stage. Juna Keegan. i had on a pink shirt and someone accused me of being gay but gates gay shirt gay pink shirt I can't think of a more masculine color for a shirt than a pink shirt because a pink shirt shows the world that you don't know how to wash in what could be more masculine I often get asked which celebrities have you been sleeping with and I don't want to blow my mind but it was years ago so it probably doesn't matter if I say you I want to know, Gary Glitter, have any of you seen my impressions? ?
Have you seen any of my prints before? I don't do many. I do some. Does anyone enjoy breaking empanadas? Are there lesbians? There must be some lesbian. Surely, what's in a snooker tournament? Well, where are the lesbians? it's so nice to have you in the impression that i do it's more of a piece of physio cal theater than the impression itself but it's home to the cameraman who comes looking for the lesbians it's more of a piece of physical theater than an impression , but it's really the breakup of a same-sex relationship between two women and I think it captures the emotional turmoil and heartache that a love breaks when you still love that person but you're not in love with that person anymore and you have to go in various ways you would like me to act with you it's not right what to do you think it was going to happen now i feel duty bound Tara, what's your name? question i have asked every lesbian i have ever met what would it take to get you back to solids oh i have a maybe yes i am going to bacardi come on i am often asked about interruptions that is a very common question to me people want to know what's your favorite interruption what's your worst last year i was doing a gig wit the rapier with a look at the last tour and making a paralympics joke now when you're making a joke about the Paralympics you have to be a little bit careful when you're setting up a piece of stuff like that you're not witty disrespectful so we're setting up very carefully I have a prayer on everything I said was my favorite event at the Games Paralympians and this guy in the back of the room quick as lightning when grifoll jumps i wish i hadn't peed on myself the other one i loved was doing a concert last year in cardif f and front and center of this conference center where you're sitting there lady of nowhere 20 minutes into the concert it just turned dragon so there was no massive pause before it said dragon that was just for let you know what happened there in my head.
I had to go. Who is trapped? started in my head 20 minutes later he turned dragon he turned dragon with you but what you want is eva n how could i joke about that dragon please and he said it like i was the one who showed up in wales for the only dragon based humor , so in between I felt compelled to go and write a joke about a dragon you want. listen to my joke about dragons ok two dragons walk into a pub don't panic johnny makes sense a billion i love john i'm just picturing a funeral with drums and bass barbara as your hostess has blue lights underneath that would be pretty nice to look like she's haunted two dragons walk into a bar one says to the other sign here the other says shut your mouth now i thought what we could do tonight boehm obviously you all came to see the show tonight.
I'm very grateful for that. I love my job. I love the fact that they come to see me live, but here we are all friends. you bought tickets to come see me and the show so i tend not to understand i got interrupted the way they used to interrupt me when i played at the klumps when i played at the club they didnt announce you but you know the place was bigger than the name, so people come over, they wouldn't be involved if they did. I didn't like them yelling rude things. I loved those aggressive and appropriate boos. or for anyone else keep your horses just a second ten a notable exception people tend not to want the concert but i thought its pretty cool its a pretty fun thing why dont we have a booing amnesty? two minutes or you can just fill your boots if you have something abusive to yell at him that you actually have Tourette's that was fun The cave sold out so you had to come here.
I'm lucky. I bet I wouldn't grant you a sadly I'm not Peter cane a very different kind of show P shows good teeth and any other issues my fries tasted garbage Jimmy fries with meat the good people of the walkers for comic relief brought out a taste of my chips and it was Al Murray and Frank Skinner and Stephen Fry and me and then they made these chips and every pack they sold gave fivepence to hungry people in Africa and I said why didn't they send them the chips makes more sense, does it make more sense?
It is not like this? Because they can't be that picky about flavors if they're starving, they're fine. t these aren't fair enough anymore the other ankles when is the comedy about what's your name sir what's your name david what's your favorite color david blue seems the fairest way to do it we did it david there are so many things i could say number one to one and eight david six is ok and you told me when is the comedy it says if you want me back you will have to scrape it out of your mum's tea these things don't lie david these things online im kidding she swallowed a lot williams sorry i have a big nose what you're i mean literally i don't have a big nose that's a weird hat that's like an insult you've heard someone else wear you're gone i have a big laugh that's going to work better with the comic with the big nose what's your name mr thomas what you do thomas you are a student you are studying math math tics you are at school thomas i don't know if we should continue this because it's time to feel like getting ready go yes you've got a big nose i oven any other boo oh what was that that sounded good gone what was that what was it i'm a pedophile i was just talking to hi m i've had one of those yes dad any other ankle yes well sorry posh prick prick seems a little harsh what sir what's your name sir myles myles and you think i might be a little fancy ok myles what's your favorite color blue seems like the fairest way to deal with this you're a blue number between 1 and 8 miles four .
Oh, it says if you've come as a, you've earned more for more hoodoo people like a side parting. You'll kick yourself when I tell you. I think you know your doctor isn't very good if the STI test is a taste test. My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, soWe started using lube. She was in bed with a girl recently. She said that she wanted tonight to be magical and she went after it. I, her, I disappeared, I got into an argument with my ex and in the middle of the argument, she said: What kind of idiot do you take me for? crunched you she was legally required to beep when he moved back s he wasn't that big we got together but she swelled up I mean I've seen palm white girls before but you took the cookie on the bright side just a nicer way of say I quite like a euphemism, of course, the classic euphemism is if someone gay instead of saying gay, you would say they're friends with Dorothy.
Someone is really fat. I like to say that he's friends with Greg in a super awkward moment on stage recently, so on stage doing a concert. I said any questions and someone when are you going to have kids I said I don't want you to feel bad for asking but my girlfriend and I can't actually have kids the way we do so he's trying another way because you can't get pregnant mouth there isn't any parents inside either we have new parents catch our parents someone has parents you have to think you're a jerk the only point about parents is every parent has a favorite if your parents told you no they had a favorite all that means is that you weren't unless you're an only child if you're an only child your parents went out of their way to tell you they didn't have a favorite what's wrong with their last child Angelina Jolie had a very difficult birth where she didn't she was and had to pick it up from the sorting office in a long term relationship it's important to be a good listener i think she's asleep i'm upstairs pop downstairs for a handjob are you familiar with the phrase a migo if you heard the phrase friend yes I have a friend who no I don't know what it meant I used it in a conversation and he didn't know what he meant.
I had to explain to him what a friend was. I was like a friend you have regular sex with. I said they are your friends and you have regular sex with them, so contrary to a normal relationship, I found out the hard way that there is a big difference between dating a partner's girlfriend and dating a partner's girlfriend, it's a lovely phrase. I could get a job at Sky Sports. I get into an argument with my girlfriend she said you treat this house like a hotel i said i have never snorted cocaine from a hooker's tits in this house tamo girlfriend wearing the shoes on top was too revealing said
jimmysometimes he cries afterwards from sex we are going to give you a tour you will be familiar with this if you are in a long term relationship we are going to fight on the way back from a party so we went to this amazing party it is around 2:30 on morning we're driving home so im driving i haven't drunk anything sober as a stone driving she's had a lot to drink i mean in terms of units of alcohol she's had a lot to drink but she's not drunk and i know she's not drunk i know she is It wasn't bad because she told me she wasn't drunk 400 times you know how sober people don't and with the worst of this argument I didn't even say anything someone else said something and she was talking about it and I was just like a sane with the fact that the other person said and it was a fact that it was not a point to debate and it was a fact so I was driving well she is talking a lot I listen a little bit ok my mistake but it is me telling about the night in real time and i was there most of it so i dont need to be listening to this a lot of stories involved me right so we are driving she tells me the story and it came to a point she said this friend of ours this girl we both know she said that girl that girl said my dress for sure i mean yeah you'll be on his side when you go out to the party when he takes her home he was sure i mean he was very sure he was what i would call a greyhound , call her Greyhound was only an inch away. these are really short skirts so like it's short yeah right uh you wear it outside when you get back to the party you take it home and then if you like it that much I don't care you say no profile late Suddenly, two sponsors. the car the phone is just huffing and puffing next thing I know in 20 seconds she's pulling the card or we're done going 40 miles an hour in the middle of nowhere 2:30 in the morning she's going to walk home me way i'm going to open the car door she's open she's not wearing a seatbelt because she's mad opening the car door safer i'm going to open the car door i just stop the car this is dangerous right so as soon as i stop the car she immediately staggers out on her heels up the road no coat no money no keys no idea where she's going she walks girl so i have to do the obedient boy for anything to drive what four miles an hour we go get back in the car it's My bad oh my god Dom everyone here come on get back in the car I'll buy you fries please get back in the car anyway long story short I got arrested for fighting on the sidewalk.
I don't know about you, but I think the best part of a great passionate argument is falling into bed together afterward and lying in cold, gloomy silence until dawn. Are you asleep? cant sleep me too full of hate any fan of makeup sex scene anyone had a good makeup sex cover yell yeah makeup se x is pretty awesome but timing is critical cause you got too excited you opted for makeup sex reconciliation too early in the argument, it still happens, that's a bit violative, let's listen to the ladies who claim to give us a shower, ladies, they sounded great. do you think it is easy to live with women the vast majority say yes well this is going to be educational and informative i am going to tell you how easy it is to live with women and i will do it with a couple of questions well mm-hmm have you ever met a gay man have you ever noticed that our happy gay men are i am happy and carefree and full of life let's dance bacardi breeze hello yes that's how we were before i met you interesting A little fact for you 3% of all new houses they are built specifically for retirees and are called coffins.
My grandmother, she loved her to death now. I don't normally do political stuff on my stage show, you know, on tour, but I did see something. What caught my eye recently was in Croydon someone from Croydon a person down there I hope you're having a good time with a knife. the british national party activist was handing out leaflets on croydon high street and when people are handing out leaflets i mean handing out leaflets on croydon high street for the bmp is the everest of stupidity it goes without saying but it is certainly making you sending these brochures.
I know sometimes you don't look at the flyer when you're on the high street you just pick it up and take it a couple of steps before you look at the thing just go pick up a flyer Oh British National The party is interesting and well connected with punch now. I'm not advocating violence, never solved anything, but this time I'll let it slide because he gave the BNP activist a black eye who is a pre-genius kid for it. What is an insult to injury is that there is a lot of planning going on in London for the 2012 Olympics.
Sadly, most of it is being run by al-Qaeda. you could get 72 virgins when you die become a catholic priest and a bum now nights to live am i right my favorite suicide bomber for the last year? Couple I really like the Detroit Bomber. You know this guy who flew to Detroit last Christmas? So he flew to the Detroit airport. He had an explosive device in his underpants. Activation device tripped. It didn't all blow up right away, just smoke, so the other passengers, you can imagine in America after 9/11, how they got it out, they didn't run and get a security blanket, some water, and a flight attendant. and in a pretty camp Flemish style if this is anything to go by but I mean they screwed this guy up they didn't kill him they screwed him up now normally I would say well you know what he was trying to kill innocent people while they were flying. home for christmas with him but my heart goes out to this guy because he has caught cases coming up in america in the next few months and he will have a very hard time in a court of law defending himself because the prosecution is so clear about it. easy, the prosecution is just going to go, you tell the truth, yes, I turned the truth, you want to burn the pants? my favorite suicide bomber, even though he was a murderous suicide bomber in the united arab emirates. he just killed himself technically a win for them but im very happy with that ok so they sent him to kill this guy to get closer to the guy he was going to try to kill he had to hide the bomb he had the bomb hidden wait for it on his ass literally his suicide bomber.
I mean, if people are going to start putting bombs on their asses, the shot is really going to hit the fan now. bomber, even someone who morally would have seen the opportunity for comedy in that situation and that bomb on his ass would have been detonated sort of like pulling my finger. Can I pass this by saying what you had for lunch oh I have some more pictures want to see more pictures see more pictures I was going to briefly talk about sports ladies and gentlemen Chinese gymnast lulee is the shortest person to ever participate in the olympics luli who is tall 4 feet 3 inches tall Wow-whee was the second smallest.
I started watching the dance on thick ice. There won't be any ice dancing fans at the ice dancing. wing figures have been steadily declining since the 1983 introduction of remote controls only 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool the rest on remand in other cities wayne rooney not as smart as he seems to talk about technology Stephen Hawking Stephen Hawking he's half man/half computer I bet when he dies it's a virus he has health insurance and Norton in America they are called astronauts in Russia they are called cosmonauts in Britain they are called hot air balloons the best ride at Disney is the girl who works on the block candy kiosk porn.
I'll get to that later if you'll excuse the expression, and the expression, of course, will be that of a turtle. The thing about Internet pornography is that it still has the power to surprise us. I saw something on the internet the other day. that really struck me was a man having sex with a woman no gang bang no DP no anal no midgets no threesome no water sports no girl on girl no gagging no no granny Fanny TV no ta no shemales no milfs illegal bail turnover it was just a man i think sex with a woman i thought ok who comes up with this crazy sex talk adult supervision to me adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras the average speed of ejaculation is 43 miles per hour, which is why it's so important to keep it away from children. 20 is enough for children.
You have to be very careful about the language you use. For example, say Fiddlesticks instead of vibrators. I don't think lesbians should be allowed. to use vibrators you have made your decision to sin no more on the fence or the hermaphrodites can go and themselves a transvestite is a man who dresses to look like a woman and the woman who dresses to look like is Jane MacDonald someone told me girlfriend the best The way to make oral sex better was to hum all I'm saying is Cori's theme is not erotic anal sex for women it's like Marmite it's brown and smells
funnycondoms come in packs of three great for married couples because there are birthdays christmas valentines i don't think you should have a tree a woman as a sex object but i do things you give me rinse after i've used it you don't agree would you rather stay a plasterer radio my girlfriend has a cleaning problem downstairs kitchens a state i'm kidding her she actually has a yeast infection seelan in her vagina let's talk relationships mast's relationship i had ruined her by blurting out i love you too soon which gave away the fact d e that I was hiding behind the curtains.
People often ask me about the most embarrassing moment. It was probably when I was first introduced to my girlfriend's parents. I remember my girlfriend said that there is the bad man that I don't like. the term couple because it makes you sell we are fighting crime i don't like the term housewife we stay home mom i'd rather say lazy my girlfriend says she's good at doing two things at the same time yes th that's the case why a threesome it's out of the question don't judge me i improvised it's not that bad it has a face i often walk around the house naked until the neighbors chased me inside some friends of mine just had a baby but due to some issues they had to use a surrogate and due to a medical problem they use a very warm sperm donor to say some people i don't know just had a baby one of the symptoms of having pink eye is when you wake up in the morning your eyes are so sticky you can barely open them my girlfriend she has it sometimes she gets pink eye on her tits just the last one of these this is my favorite joke on the show i'm going to try not to but i do it a little bit last night because i laughed at mit Ad way, but I'm going to dig deep forBirmingham come on okay I could do this when I broke up with my first wife I wanted nothing from her in the deal except a pint of milk four egg yolks. vanilla bean an ounce icing sugar and two fluid ounces a single cream mixed it all up in a bowl and threw it in my face but on the plus side i got custody i think civil unions again apparently one of the biggest fears is what stranger as i would know apparently taking the dog for a walk is a good way to find a woman, but what if you want to find a woman who is still alive? while they were married that's fuck my dad always used to tell me there's no such word "can't" I said no I called you people who said they were in recycling but you should see their faces when you rinse a condom I joke around with others i bake cookies and cakes and things i do a little bit of baking my specialty is a pecan brownie i call a scout come on where's your sense of fun?
Are you bothered by cold calling you know? one night you're home relaxing after a hard day's work watching tv f licking a magazine the phone rings it's a strange voice you don't recognize talking about something you don't care about oh mister
jimmyi got your baby now you send money fast you get this you have the public private phone call problem so this is when you are at work surrounded by colleagues or in the pub surrounded by friends, you get a phone call from your other half and at the end of the call he says something to you that you would normally answer, like you select your thing but you don't want to say it because there are people around to embarrass you so the end of the call comes out fine for me.
No, I mean, there are people around. front door and they were collecting for a homeless shelter so i play a cardboard box beggars dont get to choose am i right? I did one of those nude calendars for charity, yes Childline was furious. I did a concert. joke i did a concert file sick of cyma right final thought if only africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could prevent millions of mosquitoes from dying unnecessarily from AIDS IV Jimmy Carr thank you very much indeed very kindly berman could not ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings that's pretty much my show i thought a good way to end it might be there's a theory in comedy lenny bruce the american satirist was supposed to say the audience is a genius and the idea is the audience you regulate comedy you decide which comedian i can and can't say on stage because if you don't laugh at a joke it's not socially acceptable if you do then by definition it's socially acceptable i thought we could put that to the test tonight we could start gently working our get on and see what stage Birmingham is going on oh you say you want to try ok ok well the start is smooth work we'll pull it up alright so everyone gets comfortable at some point people stop laughing and then that's the final site it was a gentle Pope Benedict incident these call it Papa Benedict because it comes with a hollandaise sauce wait it's not a hollandaise sauce as head of the Catholic Church Pope Benedict is the head of all Catholic priests in the world is effectively the king of the PTOs I wrote about a Catholic Priest who exposed himself so they kicked him out they don't help themselves to do that while they do that they fix the problem this scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees you have to end that on your own head somewhat ironically me personally I don't I don't think the pope needs to worry about the sex scandal it will all be resolved soon enough when Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, come back from the deed.
Well, you all seem quite happy with a bit of Christian baiting. could be very noisy during sex. I don't know why she knows that no one will come to help her fix another gear tree. he means keep them interested if that was really true if that tree really worked means keep them interested wouldn't the jews worship the germans? so he jokes about the worst thing that's ever happened, wait this might offend some of you, people say you're a self-important, self-important person in my opinion, but people say every once in a while that you listen to them.
Princess Diana should have worn a seatbelt if she had been wearing it. a seat belt she would be here with us today for those people i say this i say try to snort cocaine in the back of a limo while wearing a seat belt thar be bucky damn i saw that little shaking head down i guess it was disapproval ma'am , but it seemed to me that he was going to go. It can not be done. A fraud. One million. Where do we go from there? Okay, we had an hour, but everyone else seems fine. You take.
A child can drown in just four inches. of water well we could run a bath tha You seem like you should have been more offensive than you were. A child died in that joke. I tend to play puns, so you saw that you literally got away with punning in that last joke because people say it's just a joke, it's not really. it actually matters when you talk about real things that have happened in your life that are a little darker and kind of observational that people think are more familiar, but when you talk about real things that have happened to you, that's where people get more offended if it becomes darker and then you know there's a weird thing where that's where comedy comes in handy when bad things happen in your life you need a little encouragement that's where comedy has a purpose in our lives let's talk about something that happened me recently and i'm fine talking about it so i don't think it should be a problem for you to hear it but it's a bit more because it's a real thing some people get a little more nervous more offended by things that are real my girlfriend recently had a mis
carriage and it was doubly bad because i had to pay for it i feel like we are getting somewhere and i realized that an abortion can be a very upsetting thing for a woman at the same time Why doesn't he get a little bit of confidence when he loses a little bit of weight, well let's cut to the chase on this show and talk about what you can and can't say on stage to a good friend of mine, a guy I've worked with over the last 10 years we're pretty close we've written jokes together and we know each other he knows i say this on stage he's cool with it but frankie boy everyone knows frankie yeah frankie got in a lot of trouble last year for pulling a joke on the scenario containing the word down syndrome and i think its sad i think its just betraying your ignorance and insensitivity why did they call sun variety coaches when all the kids on board look the same well if they are jokes getting a round of applause i'm happy to get out of there which is so weird because they're supposed to think we've all gotten common in this room we all share a sense of humor we all laugh same kind of thing it's weird thing i laughed really hard at it's right before i have a sense of humor fail i find if the closer to the edge the funnier jokes for me in the jokes i laugh at and while laughing i become terribly human being you want to hear the joke that got me i heard a joke it's an australian joke just a pub joke from australia that gives you an idea of how brutal orgies they invented are you sure you want hear this?
I'll just clean my palate before telling you this like a straw it's like a solero how do you do a gay woman in it I know I know I don't think I don't know because I know I know, I know, it's no use nothing to look at me as if I hadn't paid 25 pounds to the lawyers. Phil, you didn't know. they are often brutal and cruel and when you think about the content of what i am talking about in these jokes is unacceptable frankly so the sole purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh there is no message here no one learned anything tonight i think i hope not because i want to say that the sole purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh for two hours.
It is to release endorphins. That's all I do here. They are just jokes. offended so we thought i did a gig in newcastle last year and this woman approached me after signing overpriced as thunder that was disgusting rude youthful filth no better than last year you know what i meant to do with that crazy fool sorry from that story about that joke did you realize that joke about the aussie in the aussie pop joke you realize it's the only joke you'll be able to remember now the most offensive joke facility is the only one you'll be able to remember the next time you go to a family wedding or funeral, hell, poor John, just know you're here to collect the body.
I have lost my husband. I feel terribly depressed. gay again we can't ok i wasn't here alone tonight first i interviewed him before he's a funeral director if you died you wouldn't want to be cared for by him and when i say watch out i mean nothing more than what's normal john they all give thank you, thank you very much for Connor, especially tonight, because it's been kind of like, you know, the DVD, which is always a stressful concert and I love playing Birmingham and I love it. Coming here and I couldn't if you didn't buy tickets to the show so thank you so much I really appreciate it because I love my job people with Tourette's which excites him it was originally about suicide bombers i toned it down for you
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