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Being Funny (2011) FULL SHOW | Jimmy Carr

Feb 27, 2020
of my finger I can pass this by saying what she had for lunch. Oh, I have some more photos, do you want to see more. photos see more photos I was going to talk to you briefly about sports ladies and gentlemen Chinese gymnast lulee is the smallest person to ever participate in the Olympic Games luli who is 4 feet 3 inches tall wow-whee was the second smallest. I start to see rude ice dancing will not exist for any ice dancing fan in ice dancing, of course, will not exist forever due to global warming and AIDS. Billiards and dancing.
being funny 2011 full show jimmy carr
Snooker and dancing have seen their viewing figures steadily decline since the 1983 introduction of remote controls only 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool the rest are on remand in other cities wayne rooney is not as smart as he seems talks about technology Stephen Hawking Stephen Hawking is a kind of half man, half computer I bet when he dies it's a virus he has health insurance and Norton in the United States they are called astronauts in Russia they are called cosmonauts in Great Britain there they are called aeronauts The best ride at Disney is the girl who works at the pornography candy apple kiosk.
being funny 2011 full show jimmy carr

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being funny 2011 full show jimmy carr...

I'll talk about that later if you'll excuse the expression, and the expression, of course, will be that of a turtle. The thing about porn on the Internet is that it still has the power to surprise us. The other day I saw something on the Internet that really surprised me: it was a man having sex. with a woman there was no gang bang or DP or anal or midgets or threesome or water sports or girl on girl or gagging or gagging or granny Fanny TV or ta or transsexuals or MILFs rotation low bail illegal, I think it was just a man sex with a woman I thought well who comes up with this crazy sex talk adult supervision to me adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras the average ejaculation speed is 43 miles per hour that's why it's so important to keep her away from children 20 is enough with children, you have to be very careful with the language you use, for example, it says Fiddlesticks instead of vibrators.
being funny 2011 full show jimmy carr
I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators. You've already made your decision. No more sin. the fence that hermaphrodites and themselves can cross a transvestite is a man who dresses to look like a woman and the woman they dress to look like is Jane MacDonald someone told my girlfriend that the best way to improve sex oral was humming all I'm saying is Cori's thing it's not erotic anal sex for women it's like Marmite it's brown and it smells

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condoms come in packs of three ideal for married couples because there are birthdays christmas valentines i don't think you should have a tree a woman as a sexual object but I do things you give me rinse after you've used it you don't agree you'd rather stay as a plasterer's radio my girlfriend has a cleaning problem downstairs in the kitchen a state I'm kidding she actually has a yeast infection verlan in her vagina let's talk about relationships the Mast relationship I had I ruined by blurting out I love you too soon, which gave away the fact that I was hiding behind the curtains.
being funny 2011 full show jimmy carr
People often ask me what the most embarrassing moment was. It was probably when I was first introduced to my girlfriend's parents. I remember my girlfriend said that there is the bad man that I don't like. the term partner because it makes you sell we are fighting crime I don't like the term housewife we ​​will stay at home mom I prefer to say lazy my girlfriend says she is good at doing two things at the same time if that is the case why a threesome it's out of the question don't judge me I improvised it's not that bad it has a face I often walked around the house naked until the neighbors chased me inside some friends of mine just had a baby but due to some problems I had to use a surrogate mother and because of a medical issue using a sperm donor, it is very warm to say that some people I don't know just had a baby, one of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is that when you wake up in the morning your eyes are so sticky that you can barely open them.
My girlfriend has it, sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits. The last of these is my favorite joke on the

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. I'm going to try not to do it, but last night I did a little. because I laughed halfway through but I'm going to dig deeper into Birmingham, come on, okay, I was able to do this when I broke up with my first wife. He didn't want anything from her in the agreement, except half a liter of milk, four egg yolks, vanilla pod. one ounce of castor sugar and two fluid ounces of single creamer, she mixed it all together in a bowl and threw it in my face, but on the plus side I got custody.
I think that again civil societies apparently one of the biggest fears is the unknown. Like I know that apparently walking the dog is a good way to find a woman, but what if you want to find a woman who's still alive? Did you read this? You read about this American man who is suing his ex-wife to get back the kidney he donated to her while they were married, that's a joke, my dad always used to tell me there's no such thing as the word "can't", I said no, I called you, some people said they were interested in recycling, but you should see their faces when you rinse a condom, I make fun of it a little, someone else bakes cookies and cakes and things I do a little baking, my specialty is a brownie with nuts in it I call explorer, come on, where's your sense of fun?
Annoyed by cold calling, you know one night, you're at home relaxing after a hard day at work watching TV, flipping through a magazine, the phone rings, it's a strange voice that you don't recognize, talking about something that doesn't interest you. Oh Mr. Jimmy, I have your baby. She now she sends money fast. Do you understand this? You have the problem of public and private phone calls. So when you are at work surrounded by colleagues or in the pub surrounded by friends, you receive a phone call from your other. the middle and end of the phone call they say something that you would normally respond to, like you select what you want but you don't want to say it because there are people around who might embarrass you, so the end of the phone call passes well.
I don't, I do, there are people around, I want to tell you, I want to strangle you with my, a charity worker came to my door and they were collecting money for a homeless shelter, so I play, a cardboard box, beggars don't You can choose, am I right? one of those charity nude calendars, yes, Childline was furious. I did a concert, file cyma, sick, it was brilliant, two hours, a joke, I did a concert, file, cyma, sick, truth, final thought, if only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions from mosquitoes die unnecessarily of AIDS IV Jimmy Carr thank you very much, in fact, very kindly, I couldn't ask for a better audience, it would hurt your feelings, that's pretty much my

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I thought a good way to end might be that there is a theory in comedy. Lenny Bruce, the American satirist, was supposed to say that the audience is a genius and the idea is that you regulate the comedy, you decide what a comedian can and cannot say on stage because if you don't laugh at a joke, it is not. socially acceptable if you do it then only by definition is it socially acceptable. I thought we could put that to the test tonight. We could start to move forward gently and see what stage Birmingham gets to. Oh, say you want to try it, okay.
Let's start gently, we'll work our way up, okay, so that everyone feels comfortable at some point, people stop laughing and then that's the end. The site was nice. The Pope Benedict incident, they call it Pope Benedict because it comes with a hollandaise sauce, wait, that's not a hollandaise sauce as a head. of the Catholic Church Pope Benedict is the head of all Catholic priests in the world, he is effectively the king of the PTO. I wrote about a Catholic priest who exposed himself and was expelled. They don't help themselves to do that while they are doing it to solve the problem. this scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees, you have to finish that one in your own head, kind of ironic, personally I don't think the Pope should worry about the sex scandal, everything will be solved soon enough when Jesus Christ our Lord comes and Savior.
Well, you all seem pretty happy with a little Christian baiting. Yes, we'll take it up again. My girlfriend can be very loud during sex. I don't know why she knows no one is coming to help fix another gear shaft. you mean keep them interested you will have a tree of expression you mean keep them interested tree means you will keep them interested if that were really true if that would really work tree means keep them interested wouldn't the Jews absolutely worship the Germans a round of applause for a joke about the worst thing that ever happened, where do we go from there?
So we joke about the worst thing that's ever happened. Wait, this might offend some of you, say snobby, self-righteous people, in my opinion, but people do say it from time to time. You hear them, Princess Diana should have been wearing a seat belt, if she had been wearing a seat belt, she would be here with us today to those people. I tell you this. I tell them to try snorting cocaine in the back of a limo while wearing a seat belt, that's Bucky, damn, I saw that little shaking head down, I guess it was disapproval, ma'am, but to me he looked like he was going to go, You can't do a million dollar fraud, where do we go from there?
Okay, so we've had one. time, but everyone else seems fine, you take a kid who can drown in just four inches of water, we might as well run a bath that looks like you should have been more offensive than it was, a kid died in that joke , I tend to make puns, so you saw that you literally got away with puns in that last joke because people say it's just a joke, it doesn't really matter when you're talking about real things that happened in your life which are a little bit darker and kind of observational stuff that people think is more familiar, but when you talk about real things that have happened to you, that's where people get more offended if it turns out to be darker and then you know that There's a weird thing where comedy comes in handy when bad things happen. happens in your life you need a little encouragement that's where comedy has a purpose in our lives let's talk about something that happened to me recently and I'm fine talking about it so I don't think it should be a problem for you to hear about this, but it's a little more because it's a real thing, some people get a little more nervous and a little more offended by things that are real.
My girlfriend recently had a mis

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iage and it was doubly bad because I had to pay for it. It seems that we are getting somewhere and I realized that an abortion can be a very disturbing thing for a woman who at the same time does not receive a little confidence when lose a little weight. Well, let's get to the point. this show and let's talk about what you can and can't say on stage for a good friend of mine, a guy I've worked with for the last 10 years, we're pretty close, we've written jokes together and we know each other.
He knows I say this on stage, he's fine with it, but Frankie, boy, everyone knows Frankie, yeah, Frankie got in a lot of trouble last year for making a joke on stage that had the word Down syndrome in it and I think Which is sad, I think it doesn't do anything. Rather than betraying his ignorance and insensitivity, why did they call in the Sunshine Variety coaches when all the kids on board look the same? Well, if they're jokes, they'll get a round of applause. I'm happy to get away from there, although it's such a strange thing because they're supposed to think that we've all become common in this room is that we all share a sense of humor, we all laugh at the same kinds of things, it's a strange thing, I I laughed really hard, it was just before he did it. a failure of the sense of humor I find that if the closer I get to the edge the jokes are funnier for me in the jokes that I laugh at and while I laugh I go on a terrible human

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you want to hear the joke that got me I heard a Joke: It's an Australian joke, just an Australian pub joke that gives you an idea of ​​how brutal the orgies they came up with are.
Are you sure you want to hear this? Well, I'll cleanse my palate before telling you this. like a sorbet it's like a solero how do you make a gay a woman in it? I know, I know, I know, don't think I don't know 'cause I know, I know, I know, I know, it's no use giving me a look like If I didn't pay the lawyers £25 Phil, you didn't know, Did you know. I realize that my jokes can often be brutal and cruel and when you think about the content of what I'm talking about in these jokes, frankly, it's unacceptable.
The only purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh. There is no message here. Nobody learned anything tonight. I guess I hope not because I mean the sole purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh for two hours. It's releasing endorphins. That's all. I'm doing here, it's just jokes, I'm just kidding and some people like itfeel offended, so we think I did a gig in Newcastle last year and this woman approached me afterwards at the signing as Thunder. It was gross, disgusting youthful filth, no better than last year. You know what I wanted to do with that crazy fool.
Sorry for that story about that joke. Did you notice that joke about the Australian in the Australian pop joke. You realize that he is the only one. joke, now you can remember the most offensive joke. Ease is the only one you will be able to remember the next time you are at a family wedding or funeral. Damn, poor John, just know you're here to pick up the body. top I have lost my husband I feel terribly depressed maybe maybe a joke would cheer me up how can you be gay again? We can't right. I wasn't here alone tonight, first of all, I interviewed him.
I used to be a funeral director, if you died, you wouldn't want him to take care of you and when I say take care of you I mean nothing more than what is normal, John, everyone thanks you, thank you so much for Connor, especially tonight because he has been kind. Many of you know the DVD, which is always a bit of a stressful gig and I love playing in Birmingham and I love coming here and I couldn't if you didn't buy tickets to go to the show so thank you very much. I really appreciate it because I love my job, people with Tourette's, what motivates it.
It was originally about suicide bombers. I've toned it down for you.

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