Beer in Video Games
BeerBack in my highs... college days uhhuhu tomfoolery, when I didn't, uh, drop out, I was known to frequent the Summer Shandies. The Edward Forty Handies. The Midnight Moonlight. Bud Light, Coors Light, Dandies. fuck But any time I would go out with my friends I-I would typically end up assuming the role of mother hen Any of you fellow Mother Hens out there will know exactly what I'm talking about in a second. Basically, your friends all get belligerently drunk early on in the night and it's up to you to make sure they don't go running off into the woods, saying: Fuck you Jacob, I'm going camping. and then you finally find them in the middle of the woods sitting on a fucking rock, and they look at you like YOU'RE the the dumbass What's it look like? I'm fucking camping. That actually happened. Not to name any names, but I love you, Jim. So even though I had my wild days of doing dumb shit with my friends in small-town, South Dakota, most of my fondest
beer-related memories were just staying in playing
gameswith hot boys and gamer girls. Because at least then I could just get drunker and shit and dunk my friends with DK and not chase them into the woods like it's some drunk Blair Witch Project Shout out to all the mother hens out there But then I got to think, what about
games? You know, what kind of representation do we have for our virtual cold ones? There's plenty of
gameswith alcohol with...
most of them treating them in the exact same way: Oh no, my vision is all wiggly woo wooo wacky asss Fuck that! We all know there's a lot more that goes into being drunk than just oh so much turned up emotion words Oh, someone turned up the motion blur! Like, yeah, your vision changes, But also your movement. Your communication. Your special abilities. Like, there are plenty of things I would do or say buzzed that I would not do sober. Some
gamesactually do a novel job at acknowledging the unlocked drunk talent. Conker gets drunk several times in Bad Fur Day mainly so he can piss and puke to save his girlfriend. He he hiccups, he stumbles around. He does a sad little slap move. Now we're cooking with
beerWhere, in the Fallout
beertemporarily increases charisma and strength, but lowers intelligence. This is interesting, cuz there's some truth to it. Like, sober me knows I can't lift up a fridge. but, Drunk Jakey. He's tried to toss a fridge like it's a pigskin. And then if you get addicted to the shit and fall out and become a virtual alky, Your charisma goes down unless you got a nice buzz going on. Okay, I'm sorry for saying alky back there, alcoholism is not a joke and I'm sorry for being insensitive. ...but I'm also kind of drunk, so fuck it. I like that Fallout acknowledges some other aspects of booze other than just oh no my glasses are off With the Fallout 4 main character voice actor even slurring her words...
sometimes when you get drunk. It's pretty fucking hilarious. Yeah yeah,, mmhmhmm The companions in the game will also say shit if you drink in front of them. Fuck you, Piper! Fuck you robot! Fuck you, X6! If that's the case we're about to be relatives cuz I... ...you get it. mmm My wish is that if you drink a
beerin an RPG like Fallout or Mass Effect, you not only get new speech options that were hidden, but it's a fucking gamble on which one you're gonna say. Cuz that's how it is in real life. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna say when I'm drunk. Maybe that's how you unlock new side quests, like one where your companion goes running off into the woods cuz they're "Gonna go camping." Down the hatch I've never done this without shoes. Let's see what this feels like In Grand Theft Auto 4, not only does Niko's slur his words when he gets drunk, but he gets hard to control, and it's really entertaining. Red Dead Redemption is the exact same thing. Howdy, pardner. Could you - could you tell me where the law is? I'm the sheriff around these parts. fuck What really grinds my gumps though is when a character in a
videogame OBVIOUSLY has a drinking problem, but it doesn't carry into the gameplay whatsoever. Like a big part of Max Payne 3 is that Max is a straight-up alcoldolic. Like, it's baaad. So he drinks through the cutscenes and it does this whole woozy cosmic brownie bullshit But when it...
comes to the gameplay, alcoholic Pain doesn't need any booze. Just a special medication for bullet holes. you know For his bones? That have bullet holes in them? Like if I leave the game on and I go run some errands for a couple hours Check the mail, do my laundry, pet a random dog. I come back - He's fine! Just standing there monologuing some more about his fucking dead wife. I get kind of insensitive when I drink, I will be honest. So what's my point? You know you know, w-what is the point? fwfhw What's the point?