Assertiveness Skills and Techniques

This episode was pre-recorded as part of a live continuing education webinar. Upon request, CEUs are still available for this filing through ALLCEU. Register at ALLCEUs.com/CounselorToolbox. Now I would like to welcome everyone to today's presentation on

assertiveness

skills

. That's one of the things I've always tried to figure out. How exactly do I learn

assertiveness

skills

? I know many of my clients need it, but how can I learn it? How can I make it relevant to them? So today we're going to talk a lot about that and really look at some things that you can do to make it easier for your clients to learn to be assertive.

A lot of the things we're going to talk about are activities that we designed to be used in groups, but most of them can only be used individually if you know with the therapist if that's the situation you're in, so we will define assertiveness; we will talk about the different barriers to being assertive, social stress and belief barriers that we will explore after the reality check or how we can help people stay calm because one thing that stops people from being assertive is fighting or they run away if they are afraid they may become passive or aggressive, but or if they get angry they are more likely to be aggressive in their communication style we will talk briefly about verbal behavior and what it communicates because many times the clients that I have been working with with Better in using assertive verbal communication, but their non-verbal communications were still very closed and angry, so we will talk about them and explore how to help clients give feedback, give constructive and non-judgmental feedback, and request others without try to control them to make assertive requests, so when I start these groups with people, we talk about what assertive is 'no, a lot of people know the term passive-aggressive, but otherwise it's just kind of a term and they know it when they see it. , but I'm having a hard time defining it, so we're starting to define these terms so that people can start categorizing and saying what's aggressive, passive-aggressive.

A good way to learn about different communication styles is to take short clips from television, comedies, soap operas, dr. Phil, whatever you can find, okay, play and let the clients identify if it is passive, aggressive or aggressive, so assertive, hopefully we will come to an agreement that the definition means that your feelings and needs must be clear with the property and say that it is my good, I need it or I would like it and with conviction you don't want to put the label on it, but I don't know, but if you believe in something, I think it's true, right?

You don't address the disclaimer at the end, but I could be wrong or, but I don't know, and then of course there are times when we've all worked to protect things for one reason or another, especially when talking to a client, you know? Know if it may be happening, but you are the expert on yourself, so these are the kinds of things you want to deviate from in assertive communication, but encourage clients to just watch their words if they disqualify themselves. themselves and their self-esteem. it decreases assertive behavior, and this is a warning, or however you want to say it, it may not be appropriate in all workplaces.

Some organizational and national cultures view assertive behavior as rude or even insulting, they also suggested that gender influences how assertive behavior is perceived in men who are more rewarded as assertive than women, so this means that women Women should not be assertive, or that You should not be assertive in your workplace, but we want to make sure that people know that assertiveness is not necessarily accepted by everyone, so there are some warnings that they should pay attention to, especially the cultural ones. Assertiveness is assumed in most organizations, you know sometimes they want to maintain a paramilitary structure, but even in that paramilitary structure you can communicate assertively with your direct supervisor, so the benefits of the assertiveness type and you know, once that we define it, they have and Do you know why we want to be assertive?

I ask them to make a list of things or reasons why they might want to start being some kind of, how can I help them feel better, feel less depressed, feel less anxious, feel less overwhelmed, so assertiveness helps us. to feel good about ourselves and about others because and you know if it doesn't come to this you know I will try to provoke it and we talk about it if we affirm that we say that my feelings and needs matter and your feelings and needs matter passive means that your feelings and needs do not They are mine and aggressive means that my feelings and needs matter but not yours so assertiveness is the one that is right in the middle and says that both our feelings and our needs matter so that it can make us feel good, it helps us be empowered . and you don't know that we are ignored or forgotten, or a kind of litmus leads to the development of mutual respect with others, if we are assertive, we do not invalidate another person's opinion even if we do not agree, we can accept their opinion because it is their opinion, and what is valid in their eyes can increase our self-esteem.

It helps us achieve our goals and hurt and alienate other people; can often reduce anxiety if we talk about what our needs are, then we are more likely to get them met, meaning we feel less anxious that we will be rejected or that some need will be insufficient, we are not protected by others from not take advantage of us. Don't put your foot down so your proverbial foot does the talking and say this is what I need right now and you're okay, say no and at the end of the presentation we'll encourage clients to talk about learning to say no. and be well.

With this, don't make excuses to not feel guilty about it, but be willing to say that you know what is simply not something I can do right now, through assertiveness we can make decisions and make free decisions in life if we are passive then we expect other people to make decisions for us if we are aggressive then we prevent other people from possibly making decisions and choosing freely so that our self-awareness can control our lives so that we can live authentically and allow us to verbally and non-verbally express a wide range of feelings and thoughts , both positive and negative.

As people learn assertiveness skills, it becomes easier to communicate even about the things they find unpleasant, the things that make them angry, or just feel disappointed. because they are able to control their emotional response and present it in a way that belongs to them and does not dominate other people; if people are passive or aggressive, their feelings, desires and needs are not listened to; So in the groups we talk about different, we talk about different examples of what direct aggression looks like and you know if I'm aggressive and that's what we generally consider direct aggression, what it looks like and what kind of behavior you might see and some of the suggestions I received were bossy, arrogant, pushy, tolerant and judgmental, and some people are extremely stubborn, but they can be total.

You can have opinions and also accept other people's opinions, so you find the line where you validate the other person since you know their valid opinions in direct aggression or passive aggression, if you want to call it sarcastic, deceitful, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative and that induces guilt, such indirect aggression. It can be like playing torturer, there are many different ways people can show their displeasure and try to control another person without being overtly aggressive, it can come across as helpless and lamenting, passive, indecisive, apologetic or just not, I think. goes with passive. You don't even have an opinion on the things you know, whatever, I don't care what you want, people have opinions, you can't have opinions on everything, I mean sometimes we try to figure out what we want. dinner and oh my gosh, yeah, I don't care, I just want food at that time, I really, really don't care, I'm hungry enough to do everything, some wall painting, eat, so you know we're okay, but others.

Sometimes I have a clear opinion about where I want to go, and I encourage people to feel comfortable giving their opinions, and we're going to talk about what keeps people back for a moment and assertiveness is a direct and honest acceptance of responsibility and can spontaneously It will be a slogan that Carl offers to customers who use it a lot, they appreciate us, they say what they mean and they mean what they say, but don't say that means I don't like it. 'I heard the first part but not the last, which is great, say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't mean it.

That's something you can get out of this right away if people are aggressive or passive, at least the feelings of isolation because they don't feel like no one understands you, no, because they can't read your mind, so yes, you can feel isolated. , because no one can overcome the wall of resentment and anger if for some reason you feel that your needs are not being met, either because you are passive or because you are so aggressive that you push people to the outside of you. You may begin to feel angry, and depression and helplessness can also arise from ineffective communication styles.

Being so busy being assertive is stressful that you change the way you interact with others and others have to change the way they interact with you, most of your friends, and you know. I'm just looking at the group and I think you know that most of your friends are used to you acting a certain way, so if you've always been passive and suddenly start having opinions, it could be to try to figure out what's going on. and sometimes it can take a minute to adjust, but not always passively. Being in friendly relationships with people who tend to be more aggressive because you know it's kind of a yin and yang and then if the passive person starts to become assertive, the aggressive person may not know how to deal with it, so It is a matter of negotiating and working on a new method of communication.

I encourage people to think about the past when they find themselves in stressful situations. What do they usually do? They get aggressive, they shut down, or they do business, but usually when we're in a group about assertiveness it's one thing or another, so it helps us see that you know when to sit down. threatened, which is their way of solving the problem because it usually imitates the behavior or parallels the communication. designed to protect people, so we talk about you, we know why anger is protective and we talk about how anxiety is actually protective. you know you have to fight or flee, there's a problem and I want to survive, so we have to deal with it so they can start to understand why their heart races, why they blush, why they know that you know. sweaty palms and understanding the physiological response, and it's just a physiological response, it doesn't necessarily mean there is a threat, ignoring the urge to fight or flee is extremely difficult until assertiveness is demonstrated, so until people can do everything what you are saying now, I feel stressed, but let me breathe and I know how to handle this situation.

They will start to move towards assertiveness, but until then they are going to use their de facto method of dealing with things that become aggressive or passive or run away or withdraw, so it will take the person's time and maybe they wouldn't. I have said not to ignore, but to recognize the need to fight or flee and do well. My brain is telling me that there is something I need to check here, maybe there is no threat, but there is something. Look here, then, there are barriers to becoming assertive. Like I said before, people in your social circle expect you to act and react a certain way, they're used to you acting a certain way, so all of a sudden if you change it, they get upset because they're used to you being passive when you tend to Being more aggressive and then suddenly becoming more assertive tends to be less picky but people tend to notice, but changing your behavior can sometimes confuse other people.

It can happen if you tend to be aggressive or very opinionated and suddenly you don't. you are so much, people can say hey, hey, you feel like it's okay, everything is okay and it takes everyone a while to adjust to this new normal that our self-centered society leads people to expect. that if you change your behavior it has to do with them so that other people can think that you know that whatever reason you became more assertive or less aggressive could have to do with them or whatever reason you went from being passive to being assertive, that You're being intentionally offensive to them, so we want to make sure that that's communicated effectively and that people don't get offended at you and I've seen that many times in real life, in real life, as well as on social networks. where people don't know how to communicate confidently and if someone has a different opinion, the sky falls and it's taken as a personal insult that, my God, you have a different opinion than me,so it helps clients realize that other people will have opinions and Okay, it doesn't mean yours is any less valid, it's not.

It is important that people want to be consistent, if they were aggressive, they will be able to interpret the change. as a disconnection from depression or as an exploitable weakness if the person was passive then their friends may interpret the change as a rejection and a push, suddenly you know you don't want to go out, we never wanted to go out with you before, but now I just say no until that point, but if you start expressing your opinions, people can do it. A little shy. It's important to walk away until they get used to it, I agree with Carl.

It is important to be confident and inform the people around you about what you are trying to do and why it is useful. You know you can even get them to work with you. If you are ready maybe you want to ask your boss for a raise or practice with one of your friends to get used to it and guess what you will probably become more assertive by practicing with the person, that is a double bonus because the belief line can also hold. that people are assertive. Reality 90% perception 10% fact, so if you take five people who are witnesses to a crime and take their statements, all of their statements will be different and they will believe vehemently. in the statement that they gave like that they are going to maintain the opinion because that is their perception of what happened and their interpretation of what happened and if you come and go well, no, you know, Jim gave a very different account of what happened then, John, who can go to the first statement, then you say I'm lying and you get very aggressive and you get offended, it's important to negotiate or navigate disagreements and it helps people realize that everyone has different perceptions depending on their lives, they experience their vulnerability at some point. spot.

If they are in pain or exhausted, they may be more sensitive. I know I tend to be more irritable and moody when I'm not feeling well, so I may interpret something as snotty or disrespectful or whatever if I'm in a state where I'm already in a negative condition, but when I'm in my normal state, I'll just let my clothes fall off, someone is having a bad day today before I found out. Experiences influence people's perceptions. Again, in my opinion, the situation could be very different if you had, for example, a boss, or we go, you know, to the local countryside if you grew up in a house where there was a raging alcoholic and he was coming home. you have and if they were angry it wasn't safe to be happy or make noise, then in the future you will know that your partner comes home and you are conditioned that it is not the time to have that person. an opinion, now we have to interfere with the wall, so that the belief that it is not safe to give my opinions or have a different opinion than yours can be partially taught about generalization, it can prevent us from being assertive, we can have transference reactions with other people If someone reminds me of my mother or an authority figure and you know I'm not good at standing up to people if someone reminds me of that then I might back off a little bit and not be assertive With that person, the person is not as assertive at all. parts, you know, people are generally assertive in certain parts of their life and not so much in others, so it's important that we encourage people to look at what areas you tend not to be assertive in and what areas you tend to be assertive in. and how you can transfer the skills to other areas, and other people's non-verbal words can influence a certain sunlight, and you say what you think and even do it assertively, and they shut down and give you strange looks, you can feel criticized, or you know that you don't feel so good about the situation which can lead to an increase in assertiveness to aggression or passivity if you see that someone's non-verbal words shut you down it could be good but you know it's just my opinion , I don't know and back off, so move more in the direction of that passive thing than the other person's, don't accept non-verbal expressions, then you can in an attempt to keep things calm or for some reason you can back off. so yeah, I don't like words are going to play a big role in the fact that not being assertive results from attempts to be assertive to get punished, and maybe it was in a classroom where you know you stood up. hand and you had this great idea and you shared it and the teacher said no, it's a dumb idea either at home or in past relationships, and you tried to be assertive and it caused fights.

You know that the person maybe the other person was aggressive or was not willing to listen to your opinion, or validate it so that people cannot be assertive, fear of rejection may be another reason, and this is what I mean, from where we should have dinner with our opinions on political issues, and you know, there are opinions on all those things and if your people fear rejection if they need external validation, it may be more of a chameleon to get that validation, so they can be as good as you want, or you know what your ink, you always ask the other person's opinion and suddenly to confirm it, it takes trust, you know that people have to have a certain confidence to say that you know.

I have very valid opinions, and that my feelings and opinions are important, have emotional control when you are in a situation where you have to be assertive and you feel scared or angry, you probably will not be assertive, that easily cannot be. , to be able to come to their senses, so to speak, not be pressured and communicate through their emotions, and they need effective verbal and non-verbal communication skills, and that's one of the reasons why the group is a lot of fun. I have to do that, because you can do skits and you can freeze in the middle of a conversation and you can just say freeze and then have people identify what's going on with the nonverbals and what their body is saying, even if they can't.

Listen to lips and it can give you an idea and it can also help people be more aware of their own non-verbal words when they speak, so they realize what they are doing. I never really paid much attention to it before I started counseling, but now you know through counseling classes and stuff, if I cross my arms, you know, I get cold very easily, but if I talk to someone and I cross my arms, I know this is a closed position and I can be hostile so I don't try it or if I have to because I just freeze you know I'll rub my arm.

I'm going to apologize because I'm too cold so you don't interpret what I'm doing as derogatory or aggressive. Think about what my perception of what is happening and the example I usually use will give you something back. customer service I don't know anyone who likes to do that and you already know some. Sometimes you have to be confident to return it, sometimes you can get away with it, but generally you don't have to be aggressive. , but a lot of times I see people being aggressive with customer service, so what is my perception of what happens when I'm there and the customer service person says you know I can't pick it up without a receipt?

What is the trigger doing to me? I was already anxious and then it makes me angry because I don't understand what is happening, what my perception of the situation is, I see that that person does not want to help me and what only perception identifies, it does not say that it is true or false, or that then Let's see what evidence do I have and against the perception what were the person's words and what were the person's non-verbal words and the How does someone say something that you know when they say that you know? Sorry, I really need a receipt to pick it up which comes out completely different than a receipt to play it, even my oral is very different there, but you know, if I get up I can do more non-verbally, and this.

There is something else we can model as a group. You know me an aggressive response from the customer service manager, so look at the evidence for and against this perception that the person is trying to be as impossible as the evidence is valid, I respond to feelings or facts, we try to give something. Back, and if they don't want to take it back right away, can we get the feeling really quick? Oh, it's not my way, you know, but it's the feeling that you assume you won't be able to pay it back. , you assume that the person you don't want to help or yet I give it more importance than it really needs and a lot of times with customer service you just ask to speak to the manager, or you know.

You will come back later with the receipt, whatever you have, avoid it knowing that you only have to follow the rules if I have expressed my feelings and needs objectively and clearly. If you show up and just say I have to return it, that could very well be wrong and if you know you have a receipt, those are the first two questions you should ask; It's not that they're questioning you or that you know it's not useful. They should ask the questions to help people understand the communication as it unfolds. they can stay calm and not take it personally be able to express their needs and realize it's okay if I express my needs and I don't satisfy them what's the next step how can I resolve the situation six characteristics of assertiveness show eye communicate with interest and show sincerity, so you don't want to look down and look at the ground and not make eye contact, you also don't want to stare and your eyes into the soul of the next person you meet, I can't maintain an aggressive view like that with good eye contact smiling , if it is a posture that has congruent body language, it will enhance the meaning of the message, so if you are open you will know that you have that position of the sun. and I lean forward carefully and I don't remember the acronym for advice, but if you're talking to people you know, don't get it twisted, so you know.

Note that even some cultures pay attention to the direction your feet are facing and if your feet point towards them it is considered offensive, but this is a completely different kind of gesture, appropriate gestures can emphasize things so If he says he knows I really need it, then it's a gesture that you know catches your heart, it's really necessary if you're assertive, you know it made me so happy that it happened, that it can communicate more of a message. and underline it, it's like verbal bold and italics and all capital letters speak at a level that has good inflection in its tone, is more convincing and acceptable and not intimidating.

If someone speaks too loudly or too softly or people waver up and down they get messages like the person is not being sincere or they are trying to intimidate or people interpret many different things just from the non-verbal based on their past learning. . experiences, it is important to encourage people to use their judgment to maximize receptivity and impact. Go back to that customer service manager, you know you don't come in and from the beginning I have to see that the manager you come in with tries to resolve it with that person, if the person can't help then you talk to the manager. the same as you are going to talk to your boss or an important person, your roommate, about something.

You don't want to do it right after they've had a really bad day; You already know that assertiveness also takes into account the other person's mental state, so to speak, and doesn't kick them when they're down. To make sure the person is good for conversation here in the office, you know I'll walk into someone else's office. If they have something in the middle and I need to have a conversation, I can say if you have a second if you can come then we'll talk, but I don't steer them away from something that's bothering them beyond what I have to say and how satisfied they are where and When you choose to comment is more important than what you are said to be encouraging, and this applies to parents, to friends, to everyone you know, it is important not to exclude people who shout or are aggressive in public.

You know that if you have constructive feedback, moving the person to a quiet or more private place is definitely better than wandering around the room or not saying anything, but assertive behavior means being open to the thoughts and feelings of expressed desires and encouraging others to do the same. ; You don't encourage others to do the same, it's a little aggressive and you may not think of it that way, but if it's like you need to listen to my things but I'm not very interested in yours, it's indirect aggression to listen to yours. others. opinions and respond appropriately regardless of whether you agree, my mother and I, for example, are polar opposites when it comes to some of the big issues, religion is something like that, so you know we have to be assertive or just not. talk about the issues, but if we address the issues, it is important that we be assertive and agree not to take responsibility and delegate to others.

People who are too passive often take on too much and feel overwhelmed and overwhelmed. people who are aggressive can turn off too many things, or who don't accept responsibilities that I don't want, it's your problem, I don't help, so self-confidence is really about being there and around the glue to be. what keeps teams, families and relationships together. People are willing to delegate to others, but it is theirs. You know, on the farm we have a lot of things to do, and that's whythat I communicate with the children, and I tell them that they know that it is very important that we understand it.

You know, eight things were done this weekend to be able to handle this, but I really need to do these other things because I'm just not going to have time to do them, so I'm taking it. I tell you that I know it has to happen and if necessary I expressed why but you know that you are so good that you understand it well but we must be able to communicate with others and ask ourselves and say no to interpersonal effectiveness skills we talk a lot and dialectical behavioral therapy or talking about it on some slides to regularly express appreciation to others for what they have done or are doing, you don't really think that's assertive, but it's true because it's our kind of ulnar self Abul and we do, I mean, you know, we really do it. appreciation.

Can you help me with this or do a really good job with whatever? It's important that if you're assertive, you don't just say things when something negative comes back that's aggressive and passive. Don't say anything good or bad, so assertively say that you are doing an excellent job, I appreciate your help in being able to admit mistakes and apologize, it is a difficult thing, and it makes people feel vulnerable which people who are aggressive tend to do. because it makes them feel vulnerable and weak people who are passive many times not always but many times they apologize I know I'm sorry I will make sure I keep the peace and that everyone stays calm -control is another assertive behavior that does not work from the emotional mind excited, but can slow down a little and enter a sensible state, where they can think about what is the best option for the moment to improve and act, admitting that others are not better is not the same as not having more intelligent opinions. , or whatever, admit that you can't control other people's behavior, but you can control how you respond to it, and we'll talk about this in groups for a while and I'll give people examples of times when someone said something that caused a passive or aggressive response, and we will talk about why it caused the response and how they would prefer to respond openly to the situation in the future. to criticism and praise most of us are open to praise you know we're fine we could accept that some people have a hard time handling praise because their self esteem is a little lower and they don't know what to do with it so we'll talk on how to handle that, but we will also be open to criticism.

Not everyone is going to like what you do all the time. No one is going to like what you do all the time. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say. that periodically even your biggest fan is going to say you know what no, no, it's okay, you know, criticism, if it's constructive, can help you learn and grow from something, it's not necessarily designed to make you feel inferior or to refuse, may be designed to help. improvements and assertive people express themselves in a positive way instead of saying this is a stupid idea, you could say well, that's one way to do it, let's look at the benefits and drawbacks, and that's one that I use a lot with my children when they want to do it. something and I don't think it's really going to work, but I say, okay, you know, let me listen to you, let me talk about the benefits and drawbacks, how this could work, sometimes I'm convinced, sometimes I'm true to my own opinion, but it's an idea and I want you to continue being creative.

Another example would be saying that you are the laziest employee I have. It probably won't get you anywhere and that's pretty aggressive and ugly. Instead of saying something like I know the job may seem overwhelming, but for the department to bill, say why it's important, I have to receive your reports within 72 hours of service so that it helps people understand why. He asks them this, why is it important and he doesn't call. names you're just saying here's a behavior this is what I need here's the final part I need the third one is someone who says you know where you want to go to dinner and someone else says I want to go to XYZ BBQ and the first person who says I hate that restaurant, well, that's a negative thing and it doesn't propose any solution either, so instead of saying I hate that restaurant, you say Hmm, that's an option, but you know what I'd really rather go to or what I've had. a longing for anything that affirms your opinion and if you express it positively without having to be negative, if you really have a reason to not like that restaurant, you can say that too, for example, I can't drink caffeine anymore, which , Oh, such.

It's a bummer, but when we go to restaurants and we go to lunch places or whatever to eat fast food, there aren't many places that have drink options other than water and, uh, I know I should drink more water, but I digress. , so I'll say it. my opinion yes, I'm happy to go and see these three places because they have things they have something I can drink there I always get my way no, but I definitely have to say my opinions and why I want to go there giving your opinions, we all have them and You know well what they say about opinions, but your opinions are important, opinions are qualitative, they can be good, bad, average, useful, you know, and in general we think that our own opinions are good and fair. and helpful, but you know some people can see our opinion to leave now, you know, I know it's a bad opinion and they don't agree with it, they have a different opinion, but it's okay, you know they have a right to have it, so If we are talking about restaurants, for example, you know that you may think that a restaurant is good, someone may think that a restaurant is bad, both may be right, you know that opinions are a combination of the current situation plus previous learning, so that we will keep the restaurant.

For example, right now, if I've been to this restaurant before and had a really bad service experience or really bad food, then I might think you know what a bad restaurant is. I don't want to go there, my opinion is that that's a bad restaurant, but on the other hand, if I've been there 20 times and it's been great, I might have a very different opinion and we could both go to the same restaurant, we just ordered different meals or We have different flavor preferences. It's important that we own our own opinions when we give one, you know, I like this restaurant, good opinions are often based on facts, so you say I like this restaurant because they have the best manicotti I've had in years or yes, give a reason. back up your opinion with evidence if someone asks you if you liked that movie if you say yes or no then put it because later you know I liked it because or you know my common answers yeah the first three quarters were really good but I thought they might have cut the last thirty minutes because it was redundant.

You know, I get bored easily, so my family learned to expect that from me, but it's okay, I mean, we go to the movies and everyone enjoys it. I'm not unhappy, it's just that they asked my opinion. I offered it. If the opinion is negative, try to identify what you would change. If you know, you know that restaurant. Every time I go there, my food is cold. You know, if they did. Know? better service so it came out before the food was cold you know I love going there or you know if someone asks your opinion on their outfit try to identify it instead of saying oh that looks horrible you know what I wonder.

If maybe you want to wear a jacket with that, though it's more constructive and you respect other people's opinions. Statements have three specific elements and I think we have all taught our clients a feeling behavior and a tangible effect. I would like you to do it. doing this would make me happy if you did this because then I wouldn't have to yada-yada so with my son for example it would make me happy or I would appreciate it if you brought your dirty clothes every Friday because it will be easier for me to do the laundry on Saturday morning when I wake up, you know, give them what it is, how it will benefit them and how it will benefit me,

techniques

for certainty, this is what you all do.

I've been waiting for a behavioral test. I can't say enough. Encourage clients to be assertive when scheduling appointments at your office. If they have a problem with you. They know something we are doing, whether they like it or not. and anything else, and I encourage clients to pay attention during the week to times when they could have been more assertive and then we will rehearse that, whether individually, if it is an individual client, or in a group, repeat the statement and I encourage people to think about this because Sometimes you get into an argument, you call it with another person and the other person tries to change the subject and one of my rules for a fair fight is to choose one topic at a time and solve it, you know, I don't want to.

To litany about a fool, we're going to start with one thing and we're going to go all the way, so if you're talking about someone who leaves the toothpaste cap off the toothpaste, we'll stick with that until we've resolved. On that topic, we are not going to leave clothes on the floor and the toilet lid up and you know, my daughter's favorite, when her brother leaves mustaches on the counter she says aha, but we are going to talk about one thing at a time. For now, we won't deviate if we know until we're done, so staying focused in the fog is another technique we can help clients learn to use that will allow them to comfortably receive criticism by acknowledging the criticism and accepting that it may There may be some truth to what they say, but still be the judge of your own actions so you know that maybe they have roommates who don't clean up after themselves much or maybe their roommates are upset because they don't clean up after themselves. and the roommate says you know you don't Never clean up after yourself and the person responds assertively you know you're right.

I have a bad habit of having a collection of dishes in my room. I'll try to download them once a day, something like that now, so I recognize that. there may be some fact there, you know we could all use it, we can all grow from constructive feedback and even if it's not presented in a constructive way, just take that breath and recognize the parts that are right and then let the rest go to find A viable compromise is Another Assertiveness Technique You know you want to go to this restaurant I want to go to this restaurant How can we make that work?

Can we get takeout from both of us and go have a picnic? What is going to work here? Nonverbal body language project with a great site. They have a downloadable PDF that breaks down a lot of different non-verbal messages and it's a great reference point for a lot of people, especially since I feel as old as the younger generation who have spent a lot of time texting and not as much time face to face . can help them become more aware of their nonverbal expressions and read people a little more easily, so the key points for helping clients learn about nonverbal expressions are the foundation.

When my husband was in law enforcement, he was interviewed and questioned and said, yeah, if you look up. and writing means something if you look down and leave it means something else. I don't remember what it was and I started thinking about it and paying attention to it. The thing about baseline is you have to figure out how often someone normally does it because I'll look down and to the left when I'm done talking to someone and that's just my cue or okay, your turn to talk, but it's not necessarily that he's being deceptive or accessing memories or whatever, so you need it. to know what a person normally does how fast their eyelids blink, you know some people when they talk to someone of the opposite sex, for example, their eyelids blink more frequently because they are excited, so that doesn't necessarily mean that it means that "You're being disingenuous or manipulative, so get a baseline of what that person's normal body posture is.

Another comment my daughter makes periodically and a client said the same phrase the other day and I thought it was interesting, but with a face bitch at rest when I." I'm working on my tablet when I'm playing Scrabble when I'm not busy with someone. I guess I have that restful look on my face and it's not that I'm trying to be grumpy or anything, it's just the way the corners of my face are. The mouth moves, so I try to pay attention when I'm around other people to make sure I'm making good eye contact and keeping more of a smile on my face, but as a reference point for people, because when I do that, 99 % of the time.

Maybe I'm not in a bad mood, I'm just deep in thought, congruence with non-verbals, making sure their words and actions are imitated, if they're going to be safe, no problem, I'll deal with that obviously incongruent, so you'll do a role play with different examples of congruence and then you will move on from there, groups of signs and the rule of four. You know you want to look for four different signs that something is going on, if someone's not happy with something, if they just look a little down, they might be tired, maybe they're not feeling well, so you don't necessarily want to go for that facial expression. , wantlooking at their body, the rest of their body language, you have at least four cues before you start jumping to the conclusion that they're angry or they're anxious or whatever we reflect is another thing for non-verbals and encouraging people to reflect the behavior of others, so if I close my arms the person I'm talking to is more likely to close too if we're in an argument and it starts to get heated and I stand up and the other person will probably stand up.

Likewise, if I sit down, the person will probably sit down so you can control some of the momentum of the conversation through your nonverbals. A fun activity is to have people show a closed, mannequin-like posture around the room and then go around and try to identify what they're thinking, what this closed posture means, and a lot of times we'll do the closed arms to start with because it's the most easy, because closed arms could mean I'm angry, it could mean I'm angry. I'm afraid it might mean I'm too cold or move on. I have pain. I'm really trying to hold it together so I can listen to you and let you know.

I make them try to find out. Did you know? There are nuances between these four positions. Constructive feedback is objective and measurable and I encourage people and my staff to include it rather than saying, "You know he's not making progress in treatment." That does not tell me anything. "He doesn't know how to progress in treatment." Don't tell them what to do so you know that if you say someone is lazy, I'm sorry, I don't know how to fix that, but if you say they haven't completed their assignments for the last three weeks, that gives them something to look at. at and I say, okay, how can I start completing my tasks?

A stupid, horrible word, but I hear it sometimes. Do you know what makes you say this? If the person has difficulty following the basic instructions for opening, registering, then that's okay, that's what we need. focus on teaching this person or maybe it's just not something they're going to understand because there are too many steps, provide information that the person can choose to address that presents an actionable problem instead of telling their roommate they're lazy. your roommate, what don't you like? You know it bothers me when you don't wipe your mustaches off the counter or pick up your clothes off the floor.

That's something they have. It bothers me when this happens or I would appreciate it if you would pick up your clothes or whatever. It would make me happy and you would give me possible solutions and develop a plan of action, so instead of just saying you know, it drives me crazy when I walk into your room and there are glasses everywhere. and the dishes, and you know this and that, and separating things and fixing it, continuing with the comments and saying what is the strategy that we can use or fixing this with the roommates, it's a little more difficult, obviously, with the kids and with employees, you can do a little.

It's a little bit the same if you come in and say you know what I'm noticing, your paperwork has started to get really late, so let's talk about what we can do to help you catch up and definitely give a constructive response, says Karl . label the behaviors, not the person because the person you know is like saying Johnny is a good boy or Johnny is a bad boy Johnny is a boy Johnny has good and bad behaviors or behaviors that we don't like, so we want to focus on the unconditional behavior. positive regard for the constructive person's behavior when making requests indicate the reason for your request, such as: I feel exhausted and overwhelmed trying to accomplish all of these tasks or I recognize that my work product has decreased as a result.

I'm just having a hard time prioritizing right now, so you say: I recognize there is a problem and this is what I see as the problem, then state what you need in the situation. I need help prioritizing which of these tasks is most important to you, is that a solution or do I need help being able to produce a quality product in a timely manner during grant season, my boss and I would have this conversation quite a bit because in addition to managing programs, we also had writing grants. Usually two or three would come at the same time and I would say, "Okay, I can only do so much and I need help, at least when I started working with him, I needed help understanding what his priorities were and what he needed to put in there." At the top of the list saying no is important and is part of assertiveness because poor time management creates stress and irritability and the decline in assertiveness encourages people to get in touch with what is important to them to have. a rich and meaningful life.

I know you get tired of hearing me say that and at work in general and then at work, so if someone is at work and they're doing their tasks and someone comes up and says, you know, I have this side project here, you know? you want to do it or I have overtime work you can get do you want to take it? the person can check with himself and leave. Is this going to distract me from what is important in my life? If so, then I need to say it. no and if not then I can consider saying yes so first you have to know what is important to know where to say no and where to say yes and then encourage people to say no assertively and I always use example from someone who asks. have you move, this is what we started with or ask you to help them move, you can say yes, you know, I'd rather not do that.

I have a lot to do this weekend and then potentially propose an engagement, you know, maybe next weekend. I can help you clean out your old house or whatever. The second level and that is the level at which you are willing to be persuaded. The second level is no. You know, I really have a lot to do this weekend. Sorry, but if it's an In case of emergency, the second level is the one where you don't really want to say yes, but if you have a friend, a colleague, or your boss really needs something, then you might be willing to let something go. that is important to you to be able to help. taking them out of level three is no surprise, under any circumstances, there's just no way I'm going to do this.

I remember you know there are very few times where I have had to say no under any circumstances, but there have been times when our clients I know that sometimes, especially those who are recovering from addiction, they may need to say : you know that no. I can't go to that party because there will be too many triggers. Absolutely not, it's not safe for me. Hard line in the sand, so I encourage people to know. Where do they know where their nos are? Know? I'd rather not, but I can be persuaded or it's a hard line. I can not do it.

Group activities to develop assertiveness. Ask someone who you think is quite assertive to sit in a chair. in the middle of the room select some other people and assign them a type of assertive aggressive passive passive aggressive behavior and tell them that their task is to persuade the person in the chair to leave the chair or if the person sitting in the chair has a bowl full of candy, they need to persuade the person to give them a candy and see how those different behavioral styles develop. Rehearsals are something else to do. I encourage clients to bring up a situation and I separate them. in groups and each group will draw so that they do not do the same thing every time, but to create a passive, passive, aggressive, aggressive and assertive response for each situation mmm, so I will just call Group A and whatever communication style they drew is Lo that will be presented and then we will continue.

It can be very fun to do it in a group. There's usually a lot of laughter, but it helps people practice and be more aware of their own behaviors if a new colleague they share an office with smokes. continuously and you don't like the smell of smoke you know how you handle that other situation where you feel overwhelmed at work and decide to ask for a raise or you are waiting to pay for some purchases but the two salespeople are immersed in a conversation and seem to ignore you or your employer expects you to take on extra work but your current workload is already heavy or you make a mistake at work and your supervisor scolds you in a very annoying and angry way, so I think most of us have encountered several of these situations and clients can also come up with their own scenarios but this means that generally going through all of these takes most of a group period and as I said it can be a lot of fun watch them perform and people laugh and they are good steps to be assertive know your human needs you are by far already know Maslow's great hierarchy biological needs safety and protection create and contribute so there are many things there, but everything is similar We need to be able to do things and participate in the creation of things and feel like we are contributing to the world.

We need a sense of love, belonging, understanding and meaning in the world and growth in self-esteem and autonomy for people to look at. in this because when they are not meeting these needs is when they tend to respond with less assertive behaviors when they realize this and are more aware then they will understand where that fight or flight reaction might be coming from. and they can address it more assertively by encouraging people to pay special attention to universal needs that they believe are not important to them and by encouraging them to explore whether they are using self-deception or denial to avoid getting a promotion instead. to go and talk assertively to the supervisor about why it didn't happen, they say you know they didn't want the promotion anyway, it's not that important, but six months later they are still talking about why they didn't get the promotion. connect serious negative emotions to the fear of not having specific needs met, so perhaps the fear of lack of job security or the fear of not being loved if they feel like they are being rejected includes encouraging people to then identify the areas in which you are and are not assertive and we have a list here physical space making new relationships intimate activities setting boundaries both physical and emotional public or large groups with authority figures in matters of money or just being creative mmm I know that a my daughter doesn't like to share.

Her creative things are many and I always feel honored when she is willing to share things with us, but you know that is very private and personal for her and she draws that line. She says, "No, you know, these are my things. I'll show you when." I'm ready, the physical space is one of those that you know, some people just don't like to be touched at all and they're very clear that other people you know cringe when someone touches them, so encourage them to be able to do that. Say you know, I really prefer that you don't touch me or that you know or that I hug you, welcome.

The next step is to encourage people to face their fears and practice being assertive with moderate self-exposure, so make that exposure gradual, so if someone has difficulty talking to the opposite sex, for example, ask them to first ask someone who likes what time it is and then asks ten people of the opposite sex what time it is, so they start with one and then move on to ten strangers. then ask three people of the opposite sex for directions and their opinion on what to do in the city and then ask ten people of the opposite sex for the same thing and ten people of the opposite sex for their email or phone number and you can adjust this obviously because you know, It gets to the hard stuff pretty quickly, but it encourages people to create an anxiety ladder so they can get over the first rung and realize it's not that bad and work on the second rung and be okay, that's what I can do. do. other things people can do to start being assertive and encourage them to introduce themselves to some people at a meeting or party have a practice saying no, you know, saying their first note can be a really important thing for some people, encourage them to ask for a increase when they complete a challenging project if that's something they want or think they deserve, encourage them not to run away from conflict but to try to manage it, so they need to plan ahead if they know they're going to have an argument. with the roommate plan ahead for your behavior rehearse in your own mind what it might be like and how you can communicate assertively find something you like about someone that you don't like and praise them and smile the next time someone interrupts you the next step is to develop Social skills Improve self-confidence Depending on where you are lacking Assertiveness will guide what types of activities the person engages in, but examples include reading books in an area where they are not assertive or joining a public speaking course if you are terrified of the public. .

Appearances, if you are afraid of heated arguments, then intentionally you know, letting the other person know in advance, but getting a friend with whom you can have a civil and heated discussion and feel free to express your opinions and learn to handle them. aggressive people. and conflict and the development of communication skillsconflict resolution, everyone has difficult people in their life, so you shouldn't even have mentioned whether the people in your life who can be difficult may include aggressive people, the martyr, the person with borderline characteristics or the person with narcissistic characteristics . who always thinks he's right, this can be another role play you can do as a group, which can be fun.

I think clients really like role playing because they are actually working with the material and when they create their skits, they are thinking about someone they know when they are creating the personality for their skits, so it reminds them how to deal with the guilt and shame after performing an assertive act. Some people feel guilty or ashamed, especially if they are rejected, so they do ask. someone comes out and they tell you no, you may feel embarrassed, you may assume that it's not okay for your needs to be met or that you don't think you deserve it or that you're embarrassed, so it's important for people to understand that everyone is They feel disappointed sometimes when Not everyone disagrees with them or doesn't get something they want, but with every little exposure, people realize that it feels good to have their needs met and that it's okay to do so, and most of you know it. of the times.

Everything will be fine, but there will be some nose in there that will reinforce the healthy belief that you have needs like everyone else and that it is your basic right to fulfill them in a healthy and respectful way to delve into why you really feel guilty or ashamed, what kinds of mistakes were committed in your education that place a heavy emotional burden on your assertiveness. You know why you were taught that it is not okay. Be assertive when expressing your opinion, it is a great opportunity for people to practice responding to their inner critic and consciously decide to take good care of themselves. themselves and their needs instead of saying you know what I deserve to be happy, I deserve to make friends and it's Okay, if someone says no to me or you know, they respond to their inner critic that tells them they should be afraid and ashamed and feel guilty.

Acknowledge guilt or shame. Make space for him. You know, embrace it. Let's find out what's going on here. Write it. why it is so difficult to talk to other people about the situation and then let it go assertive communication means expressing your feelings, thoughts and needs in a respectful but united way social barriers are those that are created when you begin to act differently than you Those in your social circle expect you to do what it takes them a little time to adjust. Belief barriers are those automatic thoughts and schemas that help interpret events based on past learnings where you can interpret that it is not a safe place. to be assertive or you may interpret events in a way that makes you feel bad.

You feel anger or fear and it is harder to be assertive when you are in your emotional mind. When you are assertive, it is better to give your opinion or observations backed by facts you know. If someone tells you if you liked that movie, it will be more satisfying for them if you say yes because or yes I really liked it rather than just saying yes, okay, what did you like about this when making requests? It is ideal to create a win-win situation by pointing out what is currently wrong, the behavior, what needs to happen, and how it will benefit both of you. parties Dear clients, you need a little help to stay on track between sessions.

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