An Interview with a Sociopath (Antisocial Personality Disorder and Bipolar)

each other. I don't feel any emotional attachment to it, so in order for someone to feel comfortable and not emotionally attached, you know I have to wear a mask like I have to remind myself to tell my family members that I love them, you know, I have to remind myself to keep in touch with my friends and stuff like that so you know it can be unpleasant, you know if I'm not exaggerating one bit, so I want to make sure I'm interpreting this correctly, it's almost transactional. You see that they have

personality

traits that will benefit you, but you also want to do things for them to maintain those

personality

traits because you know, in the long run, that is more beneficial than not having that person around exactly, it's almost like a mathematical equation, Yes, I would say I would.

I agree with that, it's like a mathematical equation. um, so you know, I would say I would. I mean there are definitely, like everyone else, some people I like a little more than others, of course, so with some people I would try a little harder, but yeah, that's what it is, it's a transactional thing for me. , people will be very cautious. Of you, then, to anyone who I tell that you distrust me a lot is that what is justified, I would say yes, I would say yes, because you have to be relatively careful when dealing with someone who really has a personality

disorder

antisocial

, you know it's not necessarily something you're going to be in, there's going to be physical violence or you know you're going to get hurt or something, but if that person doesn't have an idea of ​​how their actions will actually affect other people I would say the likelihood The risk of being manipulated, even if it is to a small extent, will be very high because most people with

sociopath

ic tendencies will not always formulate grand plans to take advantage of people at times.

It would just be that you know I'm looking for lunch today, so let me manipulate this person here so I can get ten dollars and go to lunch. The fact that you're talking so openly about all of this may mean that I'm not really worried about wearing a mask anymore, no, so I've gotten to a point where I have to accept that this is who I am, you know, and I'm trying to do a lot to change that. This is where I start to see negative things come into play. Do you want to feel like a normal person?

I would say I wanted to do it in a moment. But I've let go of that more recently. I mean, I've been waiting because I found that the more I try to fit in, the easier it is for me to do negative things, you manipulate, you know, lie and get angry, you know, ridiculously angry, what's your motivation for not doing those things, um, just I feel like it's too much. There's a lot of chaos that I'm putting into the world and that's really, I just feel like it's too much chaos and that's logically, that's not a good thing, it's something that you realized independently or that therapy helped you hmm, I was saying therapy.

I definitely hope that she helped me realize that, because you know, talking to my favorite place over the two years, she helped me realize that a lot of the things that I was doing were basically selfish and in a way. At some point you have to gain a level of insight and realize that you know you're making your own life more difficult, but what would you say to people that you've listened to in the past? I would say I wouldn't even say that, I hope you can forgive me, I would say it's more, I hope you can forgive me, forgive yourself, there is nothing wrong with you, you are still perfectly fine as a person and I would say, basically, almost say, Don't take it so personally, don't do it, but don't do it.

Don't look at it like you know there's something wrong with you you know it was something wrong with me basically is it that wrong with you? um I struggle with that that's why you know I limit myself in certain situations do you see yourself as better? than other people, yeah, definitely, but I do my best to combat that because it comes from you know how smart people are, you have this feeling that you know, an inflated sense of self, um, you know, almost narcissistic. I would say, do you believe it? You are better than me. I would say based on my belief system.

No. Simply because of a job you do again. It's not really an emotional thing. It's just the work you do. You know people benefit from it. So what is your belief system? Just that certain things are right and certain things are wrong and that's something that you taught yourself or is that learning through therapy was a combination was a combination um because you know my therapist would help me, she'll help me navigate through. of the confusion like I went to her with certain problems like you know, I said this to that person and they and they reacted like that to me, why did that happen.

I don't understand, you know, I thought she was and did the best she could. It could be things like that and she would teach me the difference between just emulating and exaggerating versus trying to connect more genuinely with people and that's where everything, like we mentioned before, you know, someone told you that their grandmother's past, you know you have to realize and you have to recognize that that can be a horrible event for people. Do you have any fear that once you share your diagnosis, people will always be skeptical about you? I mean, that's not necessarily a fear, it's a fact for me it's a fact I would say it surprises me more when people don't judge it do you have any fears fears um I would say the fear of being inadequate that's the main one the fear of being mediocre I don't want to I don't want to die feeling like I basically know nothing and that would really be my only fear.

How would you define inappropriate? Just not having any benefits or the world basically Do you think most people are inadequate? I'm not saying the majority because there are quite a few people in the world. I mean, I haven't met most of them, but I would say yes, you know there are a good number of people who would say okay, adequate, that's why you're okay with manipulation. because you see a lot of people as right people, no that's not the main reason, even if I see the person has the right thing and I can still manipulate them, that's like extra points.

I mean, we're all very motivated, you know, we all are. great narcissists we are all a little bit, you know, we are a little bit, you know, but we are competent, where does the typical amount of self-control go from the typical amount of narcissist? Okay, now you have

antisocial

personality

disorder

. Can't. Talk to that, that would be again, it would be like a personal person, you know, but it's a trace that we all had so that you can survive in the world. You have to be a little narcissistic. Everyone does things that are selfish. and drinking are selfish, you know, we are literally killing the planet with eating habits, for example, we are killing the planet with our transportation habits, it's just that all people do things that are selfish, so it's not inherently a bad thing.

As long as the things that you are doing that are very useful do not result in negative results for other people or for yourself, then what makes you worry about having a negative impact on other people is that it is intrinsic, no, no, It's just a You know that you are causing unnecessary problems for other people and I see it from a very logical perspective because you know many things, many traumas are transmitted, so if I do something to you, for example. and you carry it for the rest of your life. I don't know if you have a wife or children, but let's say you continue to have a wife and children and now the trauma of the event you had with me seeps in. that now your wife begins to have a level of trauma your children begin to have a level of trauma other people close to you begin to have a level of trauma anyone you know it is possible that the same thing could happen so I look at it From that perspective, It is not something emotional, but something logical.

What it was like before you were so self-conscious. I would say it was very, very confusing, very confusing because I didn't really understand why he was doing it. I don't feel like normal people feel, and I would also often do things that, you know, classify sensation chasing so that you know that you would engage in illegal activities, for example, you know, and if you don't get caught. It's a big rush, you know, it's a big rush not to get caught doing something. Those are the things that I used to do, lie and manipulate people that gave me a feeling of power in some way, because you know I can't necessarily feel anything for myself.

In some ways, it gave me a sense of power knowing that I can control other people's feelings. Do you think you will manipulate someone in the future? No, not to the extent that I did before, at least I can see myself doing that if I'm participating in the trade deal, it might be beneficial for me to get you to raise that final point, you know things like that, you know, what manipulation is, is Only now it might be the way our collective minds have been trained through the mainstream media, but when you say that my first thought is that's what a manipulator would say, yeah, if I ever lose that skepticism, yeah Does the viewer ever lose that skepticism when interacting with someone with an antisocial personality disorder, you have to norm, like I said, the people down, not, you know. how I've had my friends between 8 and 13 years, you know, 12 13 years, so it's like they're not too worried about it because you know they basically know that you know that this is a relationship that has been pre-existing to the people who are close to me I don't really do anything bother those people because that is not beneficial for me bother people who are close to me where are you or do you ever run the risk of being violent?

Cross certain lines safely, definitely, um, I can get to a period where it's like I shut down, for example, if you know we're having a heated argument and you're yelling and screaming, um, I'll probably hit you, I win. Don't talk too much, what's that like for you? Although I don't tolerate disrespect in any form, that's the main thing that would get me angry the fastest. What do you perceive as disrespect if you show any contempt for me? Basically the same things I would do to someone else more or less, you know, but that's kind of an ego thing, which you know I work on, so I don't mean it with any disrespect, mm-hmm , but would it be correct to call you a hypocrite?

So, calling me a hypocrite. I would say yes, in a way. And that's exactly it. You know why you know I would like to work on my problems and be more positive. That's why. I do my best now not to manipulate people and lie to them and do things like that because I know that if someone did it to me, it depends again, it depends on the context too, it depends on what's really at stake, you know? How would you explain what it's like to have your diagnosis to someone who has the typical range of emotions?

I would compare it today to that first moment when you wake up in the morning and the world is like an empty canvas and there is nothing. There's really a lot going on still, so you're super neutral, that's how I would describe it, how do you look at yourself? I just see myself as pretty normal, pretty normal, you know, I think the media is too sensational, you know? Within social personality disorders in general, they make it seem like most of us are just murderers and that is out of character, which in some rare cases may be true, but for most people that is because that all mental health problems exist on the spectrum, so most people, um, you will see that they will exhibit these traits and be high functioning, so in professional fields like doctors, CEOs, lawyers, you will typically see them participate in those fields because a lot of those things are logical, they don't have a really emotional basis and the way you deal with people again is an emotional or logical basis, so you will find that you know people like me in those fields.

Are you proud of yourself for something? I mean, I have a sense of pride. I mean, I would say. I'm proud of myself for sitting here right now because this is something I would normally do. I'm sure even people I know and people in my family will see this and be surprised to know that you know you do. You have certain problems, what would you like to say to the people close to you who are learning about this for the first time? Tell me, you know, I hope they're not offended by anything, so I'm saying you know a lot of people who are you.

I know I've only really told two people, I mean, you know, I usually have adverse reactions to people because people start to feel like, oh, you know, you don't care. I'm right and that's not necessarily the case. I just have my own way of doing it. What is the most important thing someone can learn from this

interview

? I would say I did this more for people with, you know, antisocial personality disorder. I don't necessarily do it for people who don't have it because I want people who have it to go get help. I want them to learn to use all those techniques we use to lie, manipulate and hurt.

Use it to benefit the people you know, if you can, because you know it only has a collective effect, that's how you should look at it. If you look at it in a logical way, it has a collective effect andIt makes your life more enjoyable, you know, and people will be more willing to accept who you are, and again, it's not really an emotional thing, it just makes it easier. so you can live life when you don't have to constantly hide and know how to lurk in the shadows, what do you think of when you hear the term

sociopath

?

An ordinary person with less emotions, to be honest, because that's what most people would really be like. antisocial personality and personality disorder, it's just that you know that the sensations that we feel we don't get much from the external world and again, you know that everything is on a spectrum, so I can't necessarily speak to other people's experiences, but I know mine. experience that's it