Alex Scott: I’ve Never Told The FULL Truth About My Past | E182Jul 17, 2023
Not allowing anyone to come in to help. When I need help I don't talk to anyone I'm just always fine just continue with what's next what happens next yes I can do that I can do that doing everything for everyone around me, but really I just need someone to do something for me and say that It's okay, you offer me help. I'm going to say okay instead of saying no to everything because I can deal with everything and ultimately that's where people talk about me and trolling. and you know the trolls pushed me into therapy no they didn't know that you know it was just that stage on top of all the other things where I finally thought I needed to talk to someone this is all too heavy for me to deal with .
I am in a dark place and I can continue to be in that dark place or I can actually do something about it. This is after your football career. Yes, I started streaming. There were many, many events that happened in my life. I didn't even know until I wrote in a book like a timeline and wondered why I ended up in therapy because I hadn't dealt with any of it. I just kept going, you know, that's been a mentality and a trait that's the pattern I'm fine Alex it's always fine a quick word from one of our sponsors.
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Tag me on Instagram wherever you try, tag me anyway, come back to the podcast. One of the things we don't talk about much yet is um, which I think would be a surprise to a lot of people is if you couldn't talk. for many years growing up because of a speech impediment, yes, this thing, talking to you, chatting, yes, yes, and then working in broadcasting, but when you know that the speech impediment is something you know that you have overcome the speech impediment and you started to like speech. Therapy from what I understand, yeah, what you probably know, I guess it would stay with you for life, is how that makes you feel about yourself, you know what I mean, because you know you're over it, but the thoughts of Um , struggling or maybe not fitting in socially or being a little insecure about things can linger long after the solution has been found, when you look back on your adulthood, did that affect your life, how other people viewed me .
I didn't feel it. like my voice was important or I wouldn't be able to understand what was going on in my head. Now you say I'm done. I'm not like it's just that I can hide it a lot better or I know it, okay? I have to rephrase things or I memorize scripts, for example, or I'm practicing them, so when I'm on camera I know the word that comes up. I can't say that I have practiced it and I practice it, but then I am going to say it. Still, it doesn't work because I just can't articulate where the words are coming from, even today before I was drinking a juice and asked if there was any.
I can't even say the word cinnamon or anything, whatever the spices are. There are certain things I just can't say, but it's almost like I found a habit of just laughing at myself before everyone laughs at me or just not finding my voice and not speaking because I'm afraid it won't come. I find out what's in my head, I know my brain works so fast like I'm always thinking 10 steps ahead of everyone else, but I can't understand how bad it was for people who may not understand what it's like to have a disability. talk when you're younger foreigner because you go back to the environment I grew up in, it was actually easier not to because you don't don't talk until you've talked it's just easy not to talk So actually it came
fullcircle and then my mother didn't detected until later because he just wasn't talking because he was in that environment where he wasn't really playful or talking anyway, um, so it's not until then and then. have to correct it, but then I'm in an environment with someone that I'm sitting with and I can feel the love or that they're caring for me, so I think it's just a game, right?
I can feel something from you. that you're invested in me, which is totally different than how I feel about my dad, then you go back to those patterns. I feel like that's the pattern I longed for with everyone. So I just want my first coach to see. something in me I will do everything for you just believe in me how I want to feel that about you relationships the same thing is how I am always looking for that of what I wanted from my dad I guess that in my childhood it was difficult to have relationships when the first model of love that you witnessed it was deeply toxic, yeah, speech impediment, so not knowing how to communicate or speak properly instead of what I'm going to say, what I'm trying to say doesn't come out well.
So because of speech impedance, it's easier not to talk much in my circumstances, that's how it impedes my speech. It works, which is crazy because like you said, do it for a living now, yeah, yeah, how does that work? Because that's how it is. TV I guess I don't think about the millions of people watching me or that for me I'm always so interested in the person sitting in front of me because I'm learning, you know the area of East London where I grew up. I didn't think I would be around people who see the world or have seen something a certain way and I just sometimes don't talk like you're asking a question and you want me to talk.
So, I might as well ask you something and you're telling me this amazing story and I'm just sitting there even though I'm presenting. I'm amazed because I'm like, wow, I'm learning something here. Ultimately, yes, I do it for a living, but now I'm sitting there learning and I only talk sometimes, even though I'm on TV, but like I said in relationships, yes, I know that pattern of not talking or when something is It would be difficult to escape from him. It's like I have to just bottle it up, bottle up the emotions the next day, everything will be fine.
I will continue as if nothing happened, which for my partner has always been the most difficult because they want to talk about it and understand it. and all the feelings, but I was always afraid of how those feelings or if you got to that state of anger, what would happen because I grew up seeing that in my dad, so I just want everything to be great, okay, everything will be okay tomorrow, everything will be okay . Be cool, that's what happens in relationships, you have to fight to solve a problem and if you don't, it ends up being deposited in the relationship as resentment or contempt and it just sits there as a problem and gets addressed, yeah, and then .
It will show up some other day, yeah, I think that's all that happened to me until I went to therapy, is that everything finally needed to come out, everything to deal with the emotions, the childhood, the speech impediment, hiding it all. to learn I remember telling one of my friends last week. I said, "I think I think the most important thing in any relationship, if it's going to last, especially romantic relationships, is conflict resolution, because you know, I see you, I've said this." before, but I see relationships as imagining two dots and a piece of paper and then the relationship starts and they become these lines that move as the relationship runs its course and then there will be things that start to cause the lines to deviate. of each one. another and go a little when, but conflict resolution keeps the two people close, you know, if you know your partner, you don't like the way he eats that thing, yes, you can talk about it and that's a trivial thing, but you can figure things out and move on. they get closer when things aren't resolved, it seems like these two parallel lines start to diverge and get further apart and then they're not having sex, but they don't know how to talk about it, so they keep straying to create so much conflict.
Resolution seems to be what keeps satisfaction out of a relationship which, according to Dr. Professor John Gottman, is the number one killer of relationships, but it also keeps us around if you're not a master at conflict resolution, you should be calm, you know because you want to avoid conflict completely and that, or you don't know how to communicate in a way that helps you resolve the conflict, it must be difficult, I say difficult, but I would always find a Question Form and it is obviously not correct . Now I have realized myself. I would change things. I would stop doing things right to try to make my partner happy.
Yeah, so I'm changing. I have not been my true and authentic self. Because I am avoiding conflict and everything but by doing so I have stopped doing what I want to do or what I like only to then always keep everything nice and happy and then you will resent that that is where the contempt appears because you think that I am not doing this for you and I'm not doing this, but then I wouldn't even talk about it, yeah, so I'll just sit there in silence, like why am I angry, what's going on in my head, like why.
Am I feeling this? What's going on? Yes, because I have changed and I am doing everything I can to try to remain happy and you have solved it. I don't think you'll ever solve anything. I'm learning from you. I know it's interesting, what did I hear the other day about? You know, we spend more time as people studying other people, what you wear, what you study, how you act, how you behave, and then we spend time studying ourselves, so I would say that in the last two and half a year or since I went to therapy, I'm studying myself more, so those patterns are learning how to communicate better or what I do, which will then help me in a relationship moving forward, hope
fully, when you look back on your football career.
Yes, a big smile. your face, a truly incredible career, you are considered a legend in the game, why do you think you were successful in football when you look back? What was it about you and your character that separated you from those you know? Thousands of hundreds. of thousands of people with whom you competed to play for England or Arsenal. I think, first of all, going back to the cage for me football was always an escape and a happy place and I was always afraid. I lost that, so actually yes, although I went to 140 England caps and then there were people like yeah, you're the first name on a team sheet, you're a favourite.
I played every game for England. That fear that they could take it away from me, this could be my last game. What happens if they don't pick me next week? what I am going to do? Like it's all I've ever known in my life. I know I wasn't the most talented. like I wasn't, there were people who were supposed to be at the top and they made it, they were the best option in women's football, no one ever talked about me like that in terms of growing up in the Arsenal team. an owl who grew up in east London, you know, loved Arsenal, that's how everyone saw me.
I just loved the club, you know, because it was home to me, but no one ever said I was going to make it, but I guess that's where I just wanted people to believe in me, you know, so I thought I'd do everything I could to show you. , you know, I have something, just look at me, I have something. I love this place so I think it was drivenHonestly, there's a part of me that thinks you don't own it. This is what I look like, it's none of my business, but there's a part of me that thinks you just don't own it, like you said, it's not your story. and it will affect the people you love, of course, and then, um, I think.
You have the right to talk about your own experiences, regardless of how that might make someone else who has played that type of role in your life feel. I just do not know. You just know it's easy for me to say he's not my dad. Yeah, you know, you know, but that's what I was thinking. I think so, that repeats itself in my mind as if it didn't have to. He hasn't been there in my life. I would say sit there having this. conversation with me you know me better than my dad like he doesn't know anything about me he can't describe me as a person he doesn't really know what's going on in my life he doesn't know so yeah I don't own it but I don't know something In me it tells me what is the right thing to do for him, he is my dad, I love him, did you ever understand the cycle he is in that made him the way he is?
No, I think that's where I always think it's kind of like he must feel guilt and sadness, you know, and that's why there's always a good person there, like something happened to make him feel that way or I don't know if It's me just making up a story in my head, but I feel like I always saw that from a kid like everyone has good things in them, you know, I'm still trying to work up the courage, it's coming soon, I have to do it, so yeah, I do. I will do. You finished this book by writing a letter to your mother, yes, that was difficult in the audiobook.
I'm not going to lie, yeah, spell all that talk until you cry, why did you want to end the book that way? that I am thanks to her, she is an incredible woman and everything she has done has allowed me to be in the position I am in and for her to understand that she no longer has to be the strong one, I will do everything to take care of her and simply enjoy her life she still has this life you don't need to be trapped by the past anymore she is still trapped by him yes, like me taking him to dinner or to see a theater show, I like to try and give him that happiness like he can only do so much I hope May that letter free her so oh no, it's beautiful what you write about her and it was actually difficult to read it because it's so beautiful and it's like that. from such an authentic place, so I can't imagine what it's like to have to say it in a booth in front of a microphone when you're making the audiobook.
I can't imagine even reading the words so that you could feel that the words were so intentional, every word that you selected in that letter is so, so intentional, so it's touching for someone who you know has
nevermet your mother, but, thank you, what an amazing daughter you have raised, thank you, so, actually, it really does. I smile going back to one of your questions about I don't know how to be proud or even see you just have that book like that's my book, yeah, like I wrote my own book like I don't even go to school, like it's education. a struggle, yes, dyslexic, the speech was like there were all the problems in my life, but I actually sat at my laptop and wrote that book and, like you, it's there like I didn't know.
It still doesn't feel real, but I'm like, yeah, I did that, you did that, I did that, Alex, we have a closing tradition on this podcast, yeah, which is where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest and he No. I don't know who they are writing it for, oh you will also be asked to do the same i.e. leave a question for the next guest and again you won't know who that guest is, but I can't read it. to the end of the podcast, so, okay, it's very, very easy to read what is your deepest fear, well, deep inside you, what is your deepest fear, my deepest fear is that my mom leave this world and do not experience happiness. the fair, although I actually need more of myself, no, I was just thinking about it, it makes sense because you've explained it, you've explained it, you've explained it, you've seen this kind of numbness in your mother before the world and it feels like if you had been struggling to try to solve that, yes, and as you said, this book is part of the solution in your eyes to free her from that, she wanted to be happy and it's one more smile, take one. moments and just not thinking that something is going to happen just for her to have a little happiness do you think she has to go and walk some of the same steps that you have walked in terms of therapy and do it again?
Yes, yes, I don't. I know how difficult it will be for her because you will bring up things that she has tried to leave aside. But ultimately, I know she can free her, but she has to have the will. Hopefully, I think there's a power in that. There is no I think this is what I expect when they send me I hope the book sets are free because I know there are a lot of people who have gone through the same thing as my mother and I think maybe if she understands that and sees that they are free or that they have overcome things that maybe she can start to take that journey, then there is a huge fear of the answer to the question.
But ultimately I look forward and when I look forward I see there is a light. and I feel like that's where I smile because I just hope and pray that she gets there, that's where she gets to Alex, thank you, thank you for having me, thank you, it's been an absolute pleasure, you're a wonderful person and I. I know this is just the beginning of our relationship, so yeah, thank you, thank you Stephen, oh someone bring me some foreign tissue.
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