ACT Matrix | A Cognitive Behavioral Tool to Address Anxiety and Depression

Unlimited CEUs for $59 at AllCEUs.com This episode was pre-recorded as part of a live continuing education webinar. CEUs are still available at AllCEUs.com. I would like to welcome everyone to today's presentation. Act Matrix, what every counselor should know. For the next hour we're going to talk about something called the Act Matrix and this is based on Act acceptance and commitment therapy But we're not really going to go too deep into action, there are other courses that I'll do more courses on in the future on that. , really what we're focusing on today is this particular

tool

and how we can use it. to help customers?

Getting unstuck or maintaining that forward momentum We'll review some of the main points of acceptance and commitment therapy We'll review how to apply the Act Matrix and if you weren't here I said it before the presentation It's helpful if you have some sort of piece of paper that you can review with me. You don't need a lot of space, half a sheet of paper sticking out something will be fine. And then we'll identify the shortened question and this. is the question I ask my clients. And I say: If you can't sit down and go through the entire Matrix and really think about it, keep this question in your mind.

Whenever a situation arises before acting. So, the core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy are to create a rich and meaningful life while accepting that pain is inevitable. It's going to hurt and you're going to wake up some mornings. You're going to say oh, I slept badly. You are going to have joint pain. You're going to have pain and that kind of thing. But we're also going to have accompanying emotional pain. live One of the phrases that many of my clients will tell at the beginning of recovery. Is it one of the best things? Recovery is that I can feel feelings again and one of the worst things about recovery is that I have to feel feelings again because feelings can be painful.

It doesn't mean they are overwhelming. It doesn't mean they will suffocate or hurt a person, but they can be unpleasant. We want to help people transform their relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings rather than trying to fight them. They most of the time have probably encountered them when trying to fight them. It is a use. Haha, it's like cooking one look at you and that's it, whatever I'm going to do anyway. We don't want to fight with these feelings. It's going to be a power struggle and we usually lose. Although we want to learn to perceive our thoughts and feelings as harmless.

They can be uncomfortable temporary events. It's not going to kill us to feel anger. It Sucks in the Moment Don't get me wrong, but we can deal with it, and we've been angry before and it hasn't overwhelmed us. It's not over us, and we can let that come and go, Evan. It flows like we talk to waves and we want to take effective action guided by deeper values ​​in which you are fully present and committed. So what does that mean you only have a certain energy? It's like saying you have a gallon of gas to get to your destination and you have to choose whether you are going to follow Google's instructions to find the most effective route or the fastest route or whether you are going to go off the road and stop. at all these tourist attractions and everything that may end up meaning you never do it?

Get to your destination and it will take you further from your destination. So we want people to figure out how I'm going to use my energy. Is it worth spending it? We talk about experiential avoidance, and there is a whole metaphor for getting out of quicksand; is really appropriate for emotional distress, and I'm not going to get into that here, but you can think about the fact that with quicksand, the more you fight. The deeper you sink, and if you relax and let your legs float to the top, you will be able to roll out. So the more time and energy we spend trying to avoid or get rid of unwanted feelings in general, the more likely we are to suffer from quicksand if I wake up in the morning and you know I have

depression

and I'm fighting it.

I don't want to be depressed anymore, and I fight against it. What muffins am I looking at? Depression in general is something that covers all the time and I want it to go away all the time. I'm probably going to prepare myself for frustration. What we want to start looking at is the context and we're going to get there, but Emotional quicksand can be like

anxiety

Than a fear that things aren't going to get better when you fear that things aren't going to get better so what are you looking for? What do you want? What are you going to pay attention to?

Things that fulfill that idea that things aren't getting better rather than that the few things that happened did get better. You know it's not going to change overnight, but some things do get better. Gonna. You can get angry because of your anger and frustration about things. They're not getting better fast enough because yesterday you wanted everything to be better, thank you very much, and

depression

. Hopelessness and helplessness can set in and a resignation that things can't get better if you're stuck focusing on eliminating something instead of focusing on what we're doing instead of focusing on adding focusing on what our goals and values ​​are?

And how am I using my energy to reach out to them instead of using a lot of energy to run away or avoid something painful? So control is the problem, not the solution, the more you try to control your depression, the more you try to control your depression. The more you try to control the symptom, the less success you will have, which is why in fact they speak of clean and dirty discomfort. Clean discomfort is when emotions and reactions are accepted and leads to a real level of physical and physical well-being. Emotional upset something happens, your body goes through it.

We're going to have that fight or flight reaction. We're going to have some kind of uncomfortable emotion, but then you can let that emotion die down. You can let the feelings come and go. You don't have to act on everyone. Dirty. The discomfort is that when you start struggling with it you get angry like, oh, I'm going to do something about this. And you start struggling with the anger and trying to fix it? then your discomfort increases rapidly, they compare it to a fight switch or as an emotional amplifier. If you turn it on, you can't get angry about the fact that you are anxious.

You may feel anxious about the fact that you are always angry. You can get depressed about the fact that nothing seems to get better and you are always depressed or you can feel guilty about the fact that you have guilt and are depressed so you don't want to get caught up in these negative emotions. Negative emotions. keeps us stuck So what do we do about it? Well, the first thing is to recognize that we learn We languished in our interactions with our environment when my son was little and if you have had children you have done this when they get angry.

We usually label it as you're sad, or me. I'm sorry it hurt your feelings or I can see you're angry. Let's talk about it. I remember there was one day. We were walking, I brought my son to work for some reason, he was checking something and he was about 2 and a half and we were walking down the hall and all of a sudden, he just looks at me and says mommy. I'm so angry. And I thought, "Okay, what are we going to talk about that?", but he knew the physical sensations and the nonverbal sensations to put them together.

What was the feeling he was feeling at that moment? I don't remember why he was angry, but he was able to label that. We learn to label our feelings when we grow up. It doesn't mean it's good or bad. They just are, and anger and fear are two sides of fight or flight. That is our response to the threat. This is how our brain works. There is a problem. I think there is a problem and you need to get rid of it or get out of there. It's a natural emotion and you say thank you very much, Mr.

Brain. Let me figure out what to do because we can. You do not cancel the response to the threat, sadness. That's when we develop over time and often that is related to feeling hopeless and helpless. If you are angry for a long time, if you feel helpless, if you are afraid for a long time, you may start to feel depressed. and desperate and helpless. Does sadness have to do with emotion? Don't you know when someone passes by? Part of the grieving process is depression and sadness. Does that mean that's a bad thing? It's just something we have to go through and realize that you can't control this part of life, you can't control and bring that person back, so you have to learn how to affect your sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

So, the Emotions are simply a natural way your body prompts you to act. It's saying there's a problem. We need to do something. Well, let's leave it at that. What we want to do is focus on the changeable variables in the context. What does that mean? Well, changeable variables, let's start there because that's the easiest part: physical vulnerabilities, you can avoid being so vulnerable to

anxiety

and distress by making sure you take care of yourself, physical relationships, those can be changeable variables, focusing on learn how to set emotional boundaries how to communicate assertively develop positive supportive relationships those are all variables that can be changed in a situation you may feel anxious, isolated, angry and completely alone, but you can change those variables it doesn't have you that you don't have to continue Thoughts are another changeable variable that you can have thoughts and many times.

They are automatic, negative, pessimistic and painful, taking you away from where you want to be because most of us don't want to be there. Or you can think positive, hopeful thoughts and we'll talk in a moment. While in fact and this is based on

cognitive

behavior, many times our thoughts are automatic and automatic thoughts that we do not control or were not aware of can lead us down the wrong path. It's like someone is whispering in your ear and behaviors are changing variables. Let's say you go to a family gathering and you know that there is one person or one family gathering that annoys you and always makes you angry and yada yada yada.

Well, you can choose to go there and choose a lot of behaviors, tolerance and boundaries, and learn about distress tolerance and all kinds of things to deal with that. Or you can choose behaviors like drinking, having a few drinks beforehand to cope. with that, but if you have a few drinks beforehand to deal with it, knowing that the alcohol is on the disinhibitor and this person starts bothering you in the wrong way, what's the end result? Will it bring you closer to your goals? You know family harmony, or it will push you further away, so we want to focus on these variables in context, for example, if you have a depressed patient.

Depression can be there most of the time, most days, well, if you focus. With something this big, where do I start? So if they wake up in the morning and feel depressed, we say, "Okay." So let's look at that in context, what can you do today? It brings you closer to your goals of being happy being a good employee by getting to work Passing your exam. Whatever is important to you. What can you do today? Taking it from a conscious focus in the moment, the same goes for anger. Now let's take a behavior like smoking, someone is trying to quit smoking and you know it is really very difficult every time they get stressed.

They have this urge to smoke, so we need to look rather than say okay every time we get stressed because the intervention will be different depending on what is causing the stress. So, we need to look at what is causing the stress in this situation. What changeable variables are there that we can

address

so that you don't feel stressed or need to smoke? We also want to look at the options. You know when you feel stressed. One of your distancing behaviors, one of your behaviors that you do to escape stress and uncomfortable feelings, is to smoke now so that smoking will bring you closer or further away from your goals of being healthy and not smoking.

Helping you identify discrepancies between your thoughts and impulses and your current behaviors is something we are doing here. There are six basic principles, and I put them in order based on how I generally teach them. But obviously they can be mixed and matched in a way that seems meaningful to you and your group Values ​​consciousness, and I call this destiny, so if we are working towards a goal, I want to know what that goal is, let's start there, let's find out where we want to go and what we want to be different Then we talk about contact with the present moment.

Where you want to go is here now. Where are you right now? We're not talking about, you know, all the time, all I'm talking about is this very moment. Where are you? Then we move on to talking about the observing self and that's kind of the fly on the wall or the Scientist who steps back and says let me let me evaluate the situation and look at all the variables, we move on to acceptance and acceptance says Yes. this is the situation these are the uncomfortable things and these are the positive things these are the positive actions we could take and these are the escape actions we could take it is what it is and you start to classify behaviors and thoughts that way and then choose an engaged perspective, then you move into diffusion where you separate and what happens with being in the observing self you separate so thatThoughts and feelings do not have to be triggered.

Behaviors, thoughts and feelings are just thoughts and feelings. They don't mean you have to do anything. You can write it. You can act negatively. You can act positively. There are a lot of things. You can do it, diffusion gives you the ability to get out of being entangled with that emotion and be okay. This is what is happening. That's how it feels now. Where do I want to go from here? What leads us to the committed action you desire to achieve your destiny? Therefore, committed action means committing to use that gallon of gas using that limited energy that you have to achieve your goals and not get sidetracked by this irritant here and this unpleasant feeling here and Yadda-Yadda-Yadda.

A lack of clarity about values. it underscored a lot of the angst we see that keeps people stuck because they don't know where they're going. They say I don't want to be depressed, but they don't know what they want. They don't know what is important to them. They only know that they want to stop the pain. Can you get stuck trying to fight something or use the same energy or use that same energy to work for something else? So, thinking back to the gas analogy, if you get stuck in a mud hole and you're trying to get out and you hit the gas and you spin the wheels and you throw mud everywhere, but what happens?

You also dig yourself deeper into that mud because you've dumped it and lost even more traction. So could you keep spinning the wheels, which won't get you out of the mud? Or you can take that same energy and go out and find something to hold under your wheels to give you some traction, so you can get unstuck. And finally we are in the Matrix. The first step, as I said, is what I call destination identification. Do you basically have two ends of the continuum? The goals and values ​​we're going to identify and I'm going to walk you through some of the steps that I use to help my clients identify where they're going and that changes.

You know they do it once and they can change. Your Goals and Values ​​can add to them as life changes. Your goals and values ​​change, values ​​are not so much static. I mean your goals may change depending on life circumstances, but we want to know right now what is most important to you? and then on the other side you have distress and fun, then something happens and you realize that something happened and you choose thoughts and behaviors that bring you closer to what is important to you and your goals and values, or you choose behaviors that They can temporarily make the pain go away, but often they only serve as a distraction from reaching your ultimate goal, and often end up causing additional distress.

And we'll see how this all plays out. I promise to clarify We want to help people clarify what their goals are because I don't know about you, but I can start listing goals and I'm kind of a group of them. I have many things. I want to do it though. I can't do them all and sometimes one has to give in for another to be done, for example, you know, one of my goals and, as a parent, one of the decisions we've made is to homeschool our children. You know it's a value that's important to us and their education, but there were other values ​​that I had like work and you know, some of my hobbies and things like that that took my time and they had to give way because you know they were my children.

Education was a more important value to me, so people need to periodically balance things out. We also go through this when choosing a house. Do you know that you choose a house based on what is important to you? Do you want to be in the best school district? Do you know we have chickens, donkeys and stuff? So I wouldn't think of telling the children that you won't have your animals anymore. That's important to me, so we have to be in one place. Where can we have those animals. Do you want to be in a neighborhood or do you want to be in the middle of the woods?

There are many things that are important values ​​that you use to guide your decision making. So we say with relationships? There are many people who are important to you but who is most important to you and who are the people who are really deep in your heart and generally you know your spouse, your children, your parents, maybe a friend here or there, most people. You can limit it to a small group of people who are essential. What do you want these relationships to be like? You know you can say that. You know that my relationship with my best friend is very important to me.

But then if you don't do anything about it, if you don't invest energy in it, then that relationship will disappear. So we need to know what this relationship will be like? What do you want to do to nurture this relationship? Because it will require energy. Then we talk about what events, things or experiences are meaningful to you and if you have your document. You know, start writing down some things right now about yourself. I know if this were me and I only had that gallon of gas, what are the things that would be most important to me in guiding my actions and behaviors?

So after building relationships, we move on to work. Do you know which parts of the job are important to you? It is? Just putting food on the table to achieve your other goals, or do you have certain ones? Goals that are accompanied by your own work and that are really important to you. And health? You know you can't be very functional in a relationship if you don't take good care of yourself and aren't around, so health is probably a value, but for some people you know it's going to the doctor once a day. year and do the minimum and for other people it means that you know how to go to the gym and do things to combat the aging process or combat the disease process and then personal growth, what things are important to you Your spirituality your hobbies What is it?

What happens when you talk about your values ​​and goals? What is your destination? What is happiness like for you? and then I say, okay. We talked about some goals and you have some things you want to look at now if we're talking about relationships, for example. What values ​​do you value? Do you want to know how to portray in those relationships, yes, for example, family-oriented? Never relationships. The important thing for you is to be with your family, and that is probably one of the most important values: reliability, creativity. Which of these are important to you? And at first I ask them to identify all the values ​​that are important to them, but then I say, "Okay." Now we can't focus on everything all the time if we had to choose just five.

What would be the five most important values ​​for them? What to spend your energy on And that requires some talking and arguing and people usually cross one off and then highlight it and change their mind. But it makes people clear in their own minds what I want to dedicate my energy to because then when? Something comes up and they can say, you know what if family-oriented myths are one of my values ​​and this career opportunity comes up that will have me traveling 75% of the time? This is how I imagine my relationship with my family and it is like that.

It's going to help me fulfill what I perceive as a family-oriented value. Now some people may be fine with Skype and all that kind of stuff. That is a personal decision, but it would be one that you would have to consider and decide: this opportunity, this choice that I am about to make, will help me live up to these values. Once you have identified your values ​​and I know I made mine here. So you know that every time you choose, every time a situation arises, you realize the fact that there is a crossroads here and you choose the choice of thoughts and behaviors that will bring you closer to Your values ​​and your goals, and you are doing well, it seems like it. common sense, but do you know that many times those automatic thoughts and things like that stalk us and distract us, which takes us to the top and to the bottom?

Think about what you have been doing today. You know you probably got up, made breakfast, got in the car, drove to work, and left. You know a lot of things. How many of those things did you do on autopilot? Compared to how much you had to think carefully and make a conscious decision? breakfast Did you have the same breakfast every morning because that's exactly what you do or did you get up and go well today? You know, I feel like I'm craving x, y, and z, so I'm going to have this breakfast. You were probably on autopilot, most of us, unfortunately, that's American culture.

We do many things on autopilot. So our thoughts and feelings, you know you have to get up in the morning, your thinking has to get up. Your next thought is brushing your teeth, sir, whatever your process is, and you just go through life doing these things on autopilot, unfortunately if we are working with someone who is depressed, anxious or angry? so obviously their autopilot has guided them towards the rocks and when we're driving the autopilot is great because it saves us some energy, but we need to be able to turn it off to avoid the rocks.

Mindfulness is what happens when we change. Turn it off, and we'll talk about that in just a second. But mindfulness is when you stop and go. Well, I'm awake this morning. How I feel? What do I want for breakfast, do you know sometimes if I'm Otto Pilot? I get up and eat breakfast and finish eating breakfast. I'm like you know what I don't know why I did that because I wasn't even hungry, but it was just what I did, it was next. step, so becoming more mindful helps people choose actions that are more in line with what they need in that present moment, so we want to become the fly on the wall and some people don't like flies, and that It's fun and I don't really know how to make things fly.

If you're a sci-fi fan like me, you may have seen Star Trek Next Generation. They have an Android and their name data and they try to understand humans, they want to be human. So he's always very curious about what's going on, but he doesn't have the ability, he doesn't have an emotional chip to merge with anger or anxiety or anything else, so he's very objective in his approach and doesn't judge. if something happens. He may be doing well, that wasn't logical, but it's not, he's not judging. He's just making a statement and you can take the scientific approach where you're just a scientist and they're watching you watching yourself like you're your own little lab experiment.

Whatever metaphor you want to use. I don't care So fill in what you're listening to now. Again, just for you, think about this moment. How do you feel? What are your thoughts, desires and impulses that you may be sitting there thinking? I really shouldn't have skipped lunch to stay here for this presentation. Hungry, okay, that's not bad. It's not good if you're just hungry. That's what it is. What physical sensations are you experiencing too? Hot? Are you too cold? You feel uncomfortable, are you right? and then describe the environment Think about how it smells what the temperature is look around you really connect to the present moment one of the reasons I have clients who do this is so they can start to become more aware of the effect of their environment on their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors Are we in counseling?

In graduate school we learned about transfer. We learned about the fact that some people can remind us of people from our past. And we can act towards them as if we had acted towards that person in our past. Smells are enormous memories. Triggers, so someone becomes more anxious in a certain situation or with a certain smell becoming aware of that helps them become aware of themselves But that is a trigger for them of anxiety, anguish or negative thoughts, it does not mean that They have to get hooked on that. It's just being aware of the fact that yes, when I walk into a place that has these kind of blue-gray walls, it feels institutional to me, but it reminds me of the first place I worked.

It was cold and stressful. So when I see that. I have this kind of sickening feeling that comes out of nowhere, so to speak, because it's those automatic thoughts that come from the past, yes, this reminds me of something that maybe we would want to be aware of. So we encourage our patients to be aware of the here and now and then make space for unpleasant sensations and impulses so that they can come and go, allow them to come and go without running away from them or giving them undue attention and I like Yoda. He says you should speak with the hand and what I mean by that is the fact that we don't want to get angry, you know, if we feel anger and we get hooked on it and then we start trying to fight with it, nourish it and dwell on it. in it We just want to let it in and out.

We don't want to pay too much attention to it, so Yoda is what I use to help people remember that when they feel angry it doesn't mean they have to act on it. It doesn't mean you have to stay stuck or involved in it. They may just be like no, just go about your business. Which brings us to

cognitive

diffusion, which means taking a step back and recognizing that thoughts are just automatic events.temporary things that happen and it does not mean that they will remain. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are right or wrong. It's just that they are.

It's the thought you had. We want to help people perceive thoughts, images and memories as fragments of language and images as opposed to what may appear to be threatening events or objective truths. So think about a time when you had a nightmare and woke up. You get up and you're a little dazed, and you sit up in bed, you're trying to get your bearings and at first it feels very, very real and you're still scared. You know you're stretched and sweating and whatever. But as soon as you turn on the light and get your bearings, you realize it.

That it was your mind, that it had a lot of thoughts and images and maybe a few memories here and there, both about your life and other things. You saw it on television. As if they were mixed. It was not an objective truth. It was just a dream, it was just a story, it was something that was there and is no longer there. In order to cope, you know, we have these thoughts, we have these feelings. We have this situation. Whatever it is, we want to be able to look and take a step back. So that we are not trapped in anxiety When you are trapped in anxiety, you cannot think clearly, you need to be able to get out into that wise mind if you want.

Thoughts and feelings don't have to lead to action just for the sake of it. you feel stressed It doesn't mean you have to engage in self-destructive behavior so think about a behavior that you personally do automatically when you get stressed or angry and we all have some and you know it because stress and anger are perfectly normal emotions. Of them, some people may drink, take drugs, self-insure, withdraw, lash out. Go take a bath. Whatever you do when you're stressed or angry. I go out and work in the garden. My kids know that the amount of my stress is directly proportional to the size of the gardening equipment I'm using.

If I take out the chainsaw, this buys mom a few minutes, but this is one of my behaviors, this is one of my types of distraction behaviors, so how can you take a pause to become aware and make a decision? committed decision So when you feel that way, you can choose a behavior that moves you toward your goals now for me landscaping. You know it's work behavior because it's part of the yard work. It keeps me from being irritable with people I don't want to be irritable with you, you know? That's behavior for me. But we want to help people discover what things you can do?

And I mentioned taking a bath, going for a walk, calling a friend, playing with your dog, something and a lot of times in dialectical behavior therapy we think of these as distress tolerance skills, but what can you do to be able to pause? So can you get out of that emotional mind and make an informed and committed decision? Here's an exercise: Think about the negative behavior. Like I needed to smoke a cigarette. I need to have a drink, let's continue with a drink here. I need to have a drink. Thinking it through, believing it as much as you can and many times you know.

I have worked with people with co-occurring disorders for twenty years and this feeling that they need to have a drink is extremely powerful. And they believe it and notice how it affects them. They feel this almost uncontrollable urge to go out for a drink, a compulsion if you will. So now insert the phrase instead of saying I need to have a drink. Insert the phrase I'm thinking I need to have a good drink. Yes, there are many more words. So you have some time when you say: I'm thinking I need to have a drink. In our language we tend to emphasize the word thought, which you know helps a lot because you are identifying the fact that It is not something you have to do.

It is a thought, and we know that thoughts can come and go. Thoughts can be changed. So encourage someone to say: I'm thinking I need to have a drink. So what other thoughts might you have? another would be I'm Then do the same insert that phrase I am thinking that I am stupid When I am stupid It is difficult to change that because it is part of who I am When I have the thought that I am stupid I can change the I thought I could get rid of that But it is difficult to get rid of a part of me Think about telling a child You are a very good child, or you are a very bad child now it is The child really is a bad child or with that particular behavior in that context is a bad choice.

There's a lot of semantics in it, but unfortunately our brains really latch on to semantics. So, as we move through this Matrix, we know what our goals and values ​​are, we know what our destiny is and where we want to go. go? Do we know it every time an event arises? We will have some automatic thoughts and feelings that just pop into our heads. Some will be good, some will be bad. We also know that we can choose. We can be aware of our thoughts and behaviors. So, the first thing you want to identify is in general now.

We are not talking about a specific situation here, but in general to move towards your goals and your values ​​and behaviors. Do you or could you do it? That would move you toward those goals and values ​​and if you have your sheet here, drop those behaviors into this upper quadrant that you could do to move toward your goals and values, for example, when we talk about these goals and my values ​​are mine So, For me, assertive communication would be a behavior that would bring me closer to good relationships and success in the workplace. Setting goals is the same thing, doing my job, a no-brainer.

Spend time with my family. It is a behavior that will bring me closer to what I believe is important. What makes me happy is exercising and eating healthy. That's important to me and when I don't. I tend to be a bit unpleasant. That's important not only for relationships but also for health and just being there and being able to focus on work and being able to be productive and positive in a relationship. Gardening is one of my hobbies so far. Personal development is important to me and it is a behavior that brings me closer to being the type of person.

I want to have and then get enough sleep, everyone knows that I am an advocate of good quality and adequate sleep. It helps in all these areas, it's hard to be in a good mood, to focus, to have energy, to be compassionate, to be interactive and all that. If you're getting off caffeine as quickly as you can just to stay conscious, these are general activities I can do to move toward my goals and values, so next is to notice the thoughts and feelings that move you. towards your goals and values ​​what kind of internal events what kind of automatic things happen in my head or maybe not so automatic that can help me?

These behaviors? to achieve my goals and values ​​for me Courage because sometimes doing the things I have to do is not pleasant or not as easy as I would expect it to be so I have to take risks as I have some courage a lot of dedication to achieve So that anyone can achieve your goals concentration Those are internal things I need to do thoughts, so to speak, to be successful in setting goals and doing my job What helped me achieve my goals and values ​​Optimism and Enthusiasm If I'm going to be in a relationship positive, if I'm going to have a positive workplace, you know there has to be a certain element of optimism and enthusiasm.

If I am a complete disappointment to Debbie all the time, then you will find it difficult to achieve many of these goals, patience, compassion for yourself and others, and compassion for yourself is important because some days you will wake up and feel like you didn't sleep well or just no. feel it and instead of fighting it and saying well, I just need to go ahead and do everything anyway being compassionate with myself and saying you know what? Today will be a time to do the bare minimum because that's all I really have the energy to do so I can keep moving forward instead of starting to feel angry, frustrated and distraught.

Compassion with others. Help look at some options. some alternatives instead of necessarily getting angry and thinking the worst or having the first negative interpretation being compassionate and saying you know what I have no idea what they are going through and willingness to let things go because sometimes things come up and it triggers an angry feeling or an angry thought or a negative thought. So you have to ask yourself are you holding on to this and nurturing it. Turning it over in my mind is a good use of my energy and it will help me achieve my goals and values ​​Alright, I hope you have had the opportunity to write down your own thoughts and behaviors that will help you achieve your goals and values, so now Let's stay away from these things that our clients often do. trying to deal with whether it's smoking or overeating or any type of escape behavior.

They use it to distract themselves or eliminate stress. Most of the time it is not to achieve your goals, but simply to make the pain go away right now. Sleeping too much and staying in bed. I'm just saying no, I'm not going to face the day to day, pulling the covers over your head avoiding life being a couch potato. Again sitting on the couch saying yes, no, I don't have it in me. today. It'll just be me and the Netflix remote. Self-soothing with food is another escape behavior, drinking, lashing out, being irritable, impatient or self-incapacitating and this is an interesting behavior because it is one where you basically create a situation that gives you an excuse to fail many times people will do this if they are anxious that they are going to fail if they are afraid that they are going to fail, they will create a situation so that they can point out other things they can play the blame game and say well, I failed because I had all these other commitments or because of all these other things that fell on me on.

So be careful with self-handicaps and with clients and the things they do that practically set themselves up. for failure And then you want to see what the motivations are for that? What unpleasant feeling were they trying to escape? So now let's talk about thoughts and feelings that keep you from your goals and values. Most people I've never met yet, who have identified a goal and value in being depressed, anxious, angry and irritable all the time? It's just not something most people put into their goals and values, so that's usually what happens here when we're angry. Now you can feel that feeling and choose something proactive to get closer to your goals or you can choose that feeling. and you can choose something reactive to get revenge or you know escape from it that doesn't bring you closer to your goals, so some thoughts that may go through your head I can't do this.

There's no way I can do this where people just suck. I'm posted to change anything, so what's the point of even trying? Those who break the rules always win and are of no use. The act remains unpunished. We've all heard different versions of these negative thoughts and do they pop into everyone's heads from time to time? Yes, you can certainly counteract them, but first you have to be aware of them, you have to notice them and choose not to go down this path and get stuck with these thoughts, but say "it's okay if I get caught thinking about how people." I'm going to get angry and burn a lot of energy and get nowhere.

So instead of focusing on that, what can I focus on? Which is important to me. What I can do? Focus on what takes me towards my destiny? Again, when we look at the Matrix behaviors that move you toward your goals and values, they reciprocally interact with your thoughts and feelings that move you toward your goals and values. So if you're doing things that move you toward your goals and values, you'll probably have some feelings of positivity, motivation, drive, and whatever, and feelings of positivity, courage, and determination. They will keep you performing those behaviors that will move you toward your goals and values, so let's keep this cycle going. .

However, it is the same when you have negative automatic thoughts and feelings, many times people try to escape from them and when you try to escape from them, what happens to those feelings? Generally, whatever was causing them is still there and your thoughts and feelings take hold because you sober up or stop hiding or whatever and that Negativity is still there, and you haven't replaced it with anything else, so you're stuck. spinning your wheels. What you want to do is find out? How you can encourage people to notice and choose. I'll give you a situational example.

We just went through it and came up with the Matrix for generally how you act and generally know what your escape behaviors are. In general, what are your unpleasant feelings and thoughts, in general, what are you heading towards. Behaviors or proactive behaviors and proactive thoughts So let's put it in a particular scenario, so that it isaware of myself. I would be following the example. I'm going to the office. And we all share a personal example. I was working at a residential facility and had to use the bathrooms across the street because the staff bathrooms were closed.

I'm fine, whatever, so I went up to the office. front and you know, I did my thing, washed my hands, went out, walked down the hall and this is a residential unit that had about 20 people on staff during the day and 85 residents, so it wasn't like it was a deserted place and I move. Halfway down the hallway. It's a long hallway and one of my employees takes me to the office. She is like a gift. Come here. I'm like what and she throws me away. It's like you put your dress in your pants. I was like oh, I'm mortified.

You know because I don't know how many people saw my pants that day and I was mortified. Now what do some people do with that? You know you notice what's happening? You would feel embarrassed, you would feel stupid. I wanted to hide. That's true. Those negative thoughts and feelings appear automatically even What was my instinctive reaction? How can I get out of this? How can I hide so I never have to see these people again? Well that's not going to help me achieve my goals, be successful in business and in my career and do what I do, noticing and choosing some positive self-talk, I'm fine, but other people have done embarrassing things. and they have survived.

I've done embarrassing things before and survived. It could have been worse, and I won't elaborate on that, but I saw it as more humbling and compassionate because I won't make fun of anyone. that they had toilet paper in the back of their shoe or you know, they have their underwear sticking out or whatever. I've been there, I know what it's like, I'll push them aside and be like you have something in your shoe. So he is a humble or compassionate cultivator. It's not going to kill me. Now what are my behaviors? Could anyone lash out if someone brings it up and get really defensive?

Which won't get me closer to being the right person? I'm one of you or I can go about my day serving customers and doing what I love and model the fact that things happen, and you could go ahead and laugh about it if it comes up now, those were the options, so, in Ultimately, I chose these, obviously, that's why I chose this example, but we all do embarrassing things and some people turn them over in their heads every night for a week and it's not part of the act model. But it's one of the things I do kindly.

The important thing for them is the fact that, at least in my experience, you know that I really wasn't important enough to anyone that they would remember it two weeks later. You know it was probably Scuttlebutt for about a week and they found it really funny, but hey, you know they're going through a really hard time if they can laugh at something, laugh at me, and laugh with me. I don't mind. So let's eliminate our clients from using this when something happens to choose the behaviors and thoughts they could have that would help them be the kind of person they want to be.

Chronic illness and we're going to I'm going to give the example of depression or chronic pain, this fits either of them. You wake up in the morning and feel depressed, your pain is just that you know that day was very bad. Observe this, you are aware of how you feel and what your thoughts and impulses are, so we begin to organize them. Some of my thoughts and impulses are to stay in bed, maybe drink, maybe over-layer paint, maybe lash out at others for not doing so. comprehension. How bad this really feels. Well, do any of those come close to me?

I know that's how it was yesterday, and the day before and the day before that I can feel hopeless with a depressed feeling that things will never get better. You may have some resentment towards people. Who are healthy I'm angry at myself for being weak or lazy You know I should be able to fight this and get up and do the next right thing Well, it's not happening that way I get anxious That I'll lose important people and things because I can't do the things I want used to do because of depression or pain. And I can feel guilty about not being able to do those things, so when I have all those negative feelings, am I really motivated to get out of bed? and do the following things that will help me achieve my goals?

Generally not. My first reaction will probably be to make the pain stop. So we go back to noticing and choosing and saying, “Okay.” You've already done it in the past. It has worked for you in the short term, you know. makes the pain stop for an hour. But how is it working for you in the long term? Is it helping you? Are things getting better and generally the answer is no, so we say it's okay? Let's look at some other things here. What could you do instead? Notice and choose have good sleep habits eat healthy do your therapy exercises Focus your attention on things you can control those changing variables Get support from friends and set small achievable goals instead of saying.

I want the depression or pain to go away. Saying I want to be able to have enough pain relief. That I can get up and clean the house today or I can get up and clean the living room today, so such small, achievable goals and instead of focusing on eliminating it forever. Let's focus on getting it out of being. You know, depression is anything from being a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5 every day, all the time, to maybe being a four today. Let's see how many times we can get it to be a four and finally with bullying we want to notice and choose because it happens to adults even to children and this is the last one.

I leave them. Stay away from the behaviors when someone gets up. lily and will say online bullying you might want to drink spank sleep binge hurt them whatever Many of the feelings that come up. What are your feelings when someone believes you? Could it be anxiety and fear of rejection? resentment Being self-critical saying that you know you really should be a better person or whatever feeling helpless, you can't deal with life because you can't control everyone else in the world and possibly getting angry at others just for being me and We Are Those natural thoughts surely you are going to want to use your energy to stay stagnant?

Will feeding those thoughts help you in any way? So look and choose. What are some alternatives? It doesn't mean you have to choose right now. We are simply going to think about alternatives towards behaviors that prevent vulnerabilities and pain control, sleep nutrition. It can also be things like not going to places like social media where you might feel like you're being bullied. That's fair, not necessarily, but yes. Is it worth your energy? Going on social media is so important to your goals and values. Stress tolerance, learning skills to deal with it when you see news or hear something bad and hateful.

Learn to let go and set limits. So the opinions people have of you don't necessarily affect their opinions of you. Do some self-validation if someone is being a bully and ugly. My daughter told me yesterday that someone had commented on one of her Instagram posts and shared a weight loss. A link to a weight loss site, and yeah, I was a little devastated, so we talked about, do you know what that means for you? What does that mean for you? Do some self-validation, remind yourself of positive things. Towards thoughts and feelings. The courage you can do.

You can handle this. Don't you have to get caught in a fight with the stalker? Self-pity, you know, giving yourself a break is like, okay, that hurts, that hurts and it's okay to be mad about it for a minute. Acceptance cannot control, everyone cannot control. How you felt initially. Determination to do the next right thing for you and willingness to do it. So my shorthand question, if you don't have time to do all the quadrants, when something comes up, ask yourself My current thoughts, feelings, and actions. I move closer or further away from my goals and values, so when I do this it is positive and moving me in the right direction now.

That doesn't mean you can wake up one morning and be fine. I won't be angry anymore. There are some things. You may have to deal with your anger, depression and anxiety in therapy, but once you recognize that you don't have to get hooked and absorbed by those negative thoughts and feelings, then you have more options to say "okay, well." of getting absorbed by those thoughts and feelings am I going to choose the behavior of going to therapy or am I going to choose the behavior of going to see my accountant my priest or whatever So that you can be more educated or informed options? for you Every event is an opportunity to choose thoughts and behaviors that will help you use your energy and move toward your goals and values.

Acceptance means accepting without judgment how you feel in the situation as it is. It's good, it's bad. It sucks, it is and Commitment and possible action It means that you choose to use your energy on thoughts and behaviors that bring you closer to your goals. Well, is there a question for me? and I encourage you to take this Matrix and try to apply it a little for yourself. If you have any questions, feel free to email me. My email is Dr. Period Snipes at Ceus Com. In my experience, the Matrix part is more difficult. adult clients to identify and implement is the whole Choosing a different action when they are angry they do not want to let go of that anger they are invested in that anger and Letting Go of That Anger They feel like they are giving up or letting someone go the others win.

So, having that shift toward, are you forgiving? Are you letting it go for them? Are you letting them win or are you choosing not to let them have control over your energy and power? Semantics really comes down to semantics, but helping them say, Okay, I can see where I really have some energy that I could release and use on the positive side. For teenagers, identifying those goals and values ​​tends to be more difficult and it's really about them focusing on what kind of person you want to be, what kind of person you want your friends to know you as and so on.

Does that answer your question and have you used this self? Would you ask them the same question which part of the Matrix seems to be the most? It's hard for you to communicate with your customers if you enjoy this podcast. Please subscribe to your podcast player or on YouTube. You can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing as well and using the Calm Counselor Toolkit. This episode has been brought to you in part by all ceus calm providing 24/7 multimedia continuing education and pre-certification training for counselors, therapists and nurses since 2006. Use coupon code Consular Toolbox to get 20% off your order this month.