A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Paladin

Boy, I love the smell of justice in the morning. There's nothing more satisfying than knowing that Sword and Shield's good name has traveled so far and so far... ...that not even the Pokémon games are free from its incredible influence. And it was time too. Do you think I created this series to entertain and inform ignorant pups about the great hobbies their miserable lives are missing out on? Fuck no! It was to enforce the mighty name of the one true pair of weapons that triumphs over all others. And if someone crossed the line, it would reduce the anger that Tarrascan children tell their parents to scare them before going to bed.

And then collect the leftover pants that everyone shits, because it's great fertilizer. Welcome to a trashy D&D

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*Upbeat harpsichord intro music* Want to tank? You want to fight? Do you want a class that scares you? Grab a plate and keep the goblins in sight, because you want to make sure they eat this Paladin SMITE! The Paladin is the first in a short list of hybrid-style classes, stealing a combination of traits from both the Fighter and the Cleric. Which means he's better at physically painting walls with blood than a Cleric, but better at grammar and spelling than a Fighter.

But it's also one of the few classes where role-playing becomes a thing. That?! Role play in my role play? They really should have put some kind of warning label somewhere. I will not submit to this shit! If I wanted to follow some kind of code, I'd become a pirate, so I could at least loot some loot while I'm at it. Otherwise, screw you, gods! If you want me to play your ethics game, you can kiss my shiny chainmail badge-- *THUNDEROUS SMITE* Alright, alright, just follow the code and don't do anything stupid that will cause you to lose your

paladin

privileges. , like a spoiled rich kid who's upset because he can't get a fourth Maserati to crash.

Like the other all-on-your-grid style physical fighting classes, you gain proficiency with every damn combat-oriented item in the universe. And yes, that technically means you can optimally play a

paladin

without a shield and not have to worry about being a less effective contribution to your party. But if you do that, I'm telling you now that you're wrong, that I hate you, and that you're a big, smelly headbutt. As the resident great bringer of divine justice, your job is to harness the power of holiness (or any other strange power, depending on the oath you choose) so that everything else dies as they bounce off your frontal crusade. like excrement in the wind.

That's true for almost all combat-focused classes, but the Paladin is especially good at it, in addition to having the aforementioned Fighter/Cleric combo skill set. You get multiple attacks, You get multiple attacks, Channel Divinity, You get multiple attacks, Channel Divinity, a free vaccination, You get multiple attacks, Channel Divinity, a free vaccination, casting abilities, more auras than that dumb anime that no one likes, it which means you'll be so excited that your mere presence will force nearby allies to look like a typical character from said dumb anime that no one likes, and Lay on Hands, a health pool you can use to heal yourself. yourself, or give a single hit point to your ally because that's all they deserve for not letting the Rogue check the obviously booby-trapped room first.

But we all know the real reason someone chooses Paladin, and it's to never cast any actual spells, but instead use your spell slots to imbue your weapon with various flavors of SMITE. Because what's the point of defeating the heretics and pagans of the realm if not with the elemental attack equivalent of your god's sports team colors? You can hit with fire, You can hit with fire, laser pointers, You can hit with fire, laser pointers, brain freezes, You can hit with fire, laser pointers, brain freezes, under sick DROPS *BOOM*, and- Sheogorath: “CHEESE! " "CHEESE FOR EVERYONE--" *cough* Sorry, I meant Strength...

Strength is what it says... (What is this, StarGate?) And now you know how to play... Wait a minute, do you? what the hell is? That noise? *SMASH* DEUS VULT, DEUS VULT, DEUS VULT, DEUS VULT- *Jaunty harpsichord outro music*