4 Reasons You Self Sabotage [Overcome Procrastination, Anxiety & More]Jun 10, 2021
Sometimes the biggest obstacle stopping you from achieving your goals is your
self, here to show you how to get out of your own way. This triple board certified neuropsychologist and medical circle educator, Dr. Judy, we all
sabotageto some extent, let me know in the comments section below which area of your life you find yourself sabotaging yourself the most: your family, your career, your friends , your relationship, dr. Judy, I feel like you don't self-
sabotage, although well, sometimes we sabotage too, so I definitely do that sometimes, yeah, yeah, and I think in the past I did a little bit
procrastinationhmmm, I actually have a great story. personal about that and why that got me in shape because sometimes you finally realize the consequences that that causes in your life and you say you know what I'm going to stop doing that, but what I mean is that self-sabotage is universal to some extent. and that is why we should not be ashamed of it and we should talk about it and also talk about the solutions.
Yes and you. I've said this once before, but it's worth repeating. When I look at your life, it's the life I think I'll live once I have all my stuff figured out like you get up early you go for a run you eat well you're successful you have this great marriage I met her husband he's actually great but you have all these things cool stuff and talent and I'm here saying, man, I didn't have a diet coke today until 1 p.m. That's my goal, no, we all have goals like that too, I mean, but you know what I think is really important to recognize that self-sabotage is a process that is tied to our biology and our evolutionary roots, so none of us can escape.
To some extent yes, and my whole theory about it being universal comes from the fact that there are only two main drives of all human beings and that is to obtain rewards and avoid threats, that's how we survive as individuals and as a species. and usually when those two things are in complementary balance, everything's fine, you're trying to get your rewards and sometimes you have to avoid the threat, make sure you're doing it right, but every once in a while, the self-sabotage The switch flips if you start avoiding the threat much
morethan thinking about getting rewards and in our day and age the threat is not the polar bear it's not the saber-toothed tiger the threat is what if I don't get that job?
What if I get it? Rejected when I ask this person out What happens if I do public speaking and everyone laughs at me? Those emotional things can hold us back much like the types of things that would attack us physically that we haven't developed to do. The point is to distinguish the physical threat from the emotional threat so that the fight or flight response is activated even when it is an emotional or psychological threat and people start avoiding that more and more and then they stop thinking about getting rewards and they fall. of their goal when I think of self-sabotage, although I think of non-conscious self-sabotage, like I know this burger is bad for me, but I'm going to eat it anyway, those are the things we don't do consciously. that prevent us from having the life we want, we don't pursue it, like if you see someone attractive, don't pursue them because you are afraid of rejection, you are sabotaging a potential great future relationship, yes, while the change itself is biological and by nature evolutionary for each of us, self-sabotage is often unconscious and comes from a deeper place and I have this self-assessment that really speaks to how we individually self-sabotage and I think in my work and in my experience and the research that is available to let everyone review it says that there are really four main factors that lead people to self-sabotage and they operate subconsciously until you draw attention to them and I made up an acronym to remember this and the acronym is life. life life LIFE so L means low or unstable self-concept i means internalized beliefs S means fear of the unknown and E means excessive need for control so some individuals will have one of those, while some people might have all four of those, but of Either way, I think those four things cover this victim of how people and why people eventually self-sabotage, so we can go through each of them one by one so we really understand what the first one encompasses.
L for low self-concept or unstable self-concept. Okay, so self-concept is who we think we are in the world and there's kind of a holistic self-concept of how you feel about yourself in general, but there's also various segments. to your self-concept and self-esteem, so you may have very high academic self-esteem but perhaps lower athletic self-esteem or you may have very high athletic self-esteem but lower social and romantic self-esteem and therefore any area in which that you find that your self-concept is more unstable and tends to be the area where self-sabotage is most likely to occur because you may believe that you don't deserve good things to happen to you or that maybe you're not good enough. and those kinds of things can become self-fulfilling prophecies, which makes sense if this resonates with you by seeing this thumbs up button or leaving a comment below because my hunch is that this resonates with everyone, even high performers like You Know , there are still areas of our lives where we go, why aren't we better?
Why aren't we happier, more satisfied? Here exactly and I think that's what people really do when they start to evaluate and notice, there are certain areas in my life that could be better and I want to say from the beginning that most of the time people will feel pretty good between the 80 and 90% of your life, but it's really between 10 and 20% where, man, why can't I reach my goal here? like why do I keep stumbling and yet I can do all these things in this area of my life, so maybe my work life is amazing, maybe my friendship life is amazing, but the love life just doesn't fit well or my life Work is amazing, my love life is amazing, but man, I just can't improve my health.
Yes, why not? Yes, there are always one or two areas where you find yourself stuck and that's what we're trying to figure out. How can we do it? Get unstuck so you can move forward and achieve those goals and live the life you wanted to live yeah, get unstuck so your life doesn't suck, okay? we learned from childhood and those beliefs are really prominent because when we first come into the world it's the first time we learn about who we are in the world, how people respond to us, if we are loved, what people think of us our traits. of personality all of these things happen in early childhood and in early childhood because it's your first exposure to these things you remember them a lot more our human Bri our human brains have this propensity to integrate new information into our existing schema So, you know, a Once we establish a certain belief system, when new information comes in, you won't say, hey, maybe my existing beliefs don't make sense anymore, no, you'll say yes, there's a way to twist that and make it true.
It makes sense in my current system and so something that can really apply is when you watch your parents or other significant adults and see how they solve problems and if they come in a little bit anxious, oh my gosh, you definitely can't go out because You can't trust anyone well, when you learn that lesson as a child and as an adult, you can adopt it for yourself and start to take on those same beliefs and then that influences the way you interact with your goals with other people in your life. . and how you go through life makes sense, what about F in the realm of the unknown or change?
Human beings in general are not good with change in general because change is difficult. Change means that you are not the master of your universe for at least a brief moment and for all human beings to survive and feel good about themselves, they need to feel in control, yes, and they want to know what is coming, for So there are certain personality traits that lead you to feel more uncomfortable with change and If you are not comfortable with change or the unknown, you will find it more difficult to achieve higher levels of goals because there will be a period of time where you cannot You won't be exactly sure what will happen, so these types of people tend to stick to the familiar and get stuck in some kind of boring pattern instead of really putting in the effort to
overcomethat discomfort to be able to live a better, fuller life. .
They did everything right and we completed it. with E is an excessive need for control, so this is for my high performers, all the people you know like this, is that you? Totally good percentage, yeah, I mean, I say this with a lot of love when I say type babe because I identify as type a. Okay, and my husband is also type A, so you can imagine the two of us like we could clash over very small things, but type A people love control and sometimes when you're on the path to achievement of a goal, there will be an aspect that you cannot control that makes them uncomfortable and that makes them not want to achieve their goals and it is very easy to see that that can happen in a variety of different things when your element is the excessive need for control because the moment someone says "well, you won't be able to control this part of the process" and you say, "I forgot," maybe they'll go another way, yes, but maybe you should have stayed the course and just dealt with it. that discomfort yes, well, it's all great advice, but what do we do with all this information and how do we know where the LIF acronym is located?
Well, dr. Judy ho at dr. Judy ho comm has a quiz you can take when we get back after this short break. I will share my results and dr. Judy will tell me how I can stop sabotaging parts of my life, but right now watch this medical circle educational series with dr. Judy, I think once that awareness is there, it's a good time to implement small steps that you can to curb the behavior that you think is a problem, so if you notice that I'm not feeling so good, I have that drink or it will become a habit that the moment I go off schedule the first thing I do is pour myself a drink.
Once you recognize that pattern, you break it by replacing it with a replacement behavior, so this would be something to do instead of what you were doing before. to have a drink, what can you do instead? It's usually helpful to do something that prevents you from having a drink at the same time, so turning on the TV doesn't really count because then you can watch TV while you're at it. pour yourself a drink, something that really keeps you busy and hopefully provides some kind of positive stimulus, a positive experience, so some people have picked up some hobbies, you know, when I want to pour that drink and send that I'm going to work in this. project that I started, you know, maybe they started crafting, maybe they started knitting, maybe they're just going to organize some of their books, but anything that can keep their hands busy they don't behave exactly the same and every time I have that need to just do the replacement behavior instead, at 5:01 every day, when he was drinking, he started serving Frankie 501, yeah, so when he was recovering, one of his coping mechanisms was that he would 5 o'clock I was in the gym absolutely and I.
I think that works really well because then you're teaching your brain to adopt a new pattern and before you know it it becomes so natural that you don't even have to think that way. You don't have to say "Oh, I want to have." a drink i go to the gym you just go to the gym board certified neuropsychologist drupal dr. Judy ho is the author of this book stop self sabotage something we could all use and something we all need to be more aware of so we can take action and within that book and in dr.
Judy ho, calm down, you can take a test to determine where in your life or what component of yourself could use a little work, so I took your test, yeah, okay, and we're divided into four sections, under self-concept unstable, internalized traditions, fear. of change or excessive need for control unknown What do you think I scored the highest on and in theory you want to score low? I got a high score on only one. Well, I got a high score on Good. I'm going to guess it's lower. I trembling. concept and then internalized beliefs I got a 4 out of 5 for low and unstable self-concept, so very high on that.
I got a zero on internalized traditions, yes, and then I got a three on excessive need for control, which I thought would be more present. a 5 for control, but look, I'm not that needy, okay, so this low, shaky self-concept really surprised me because I thought if you had asked me outside of the questionnaire, do you know who you are? I think at this point in my life I'm the closest to knowing my trousseau, my scores indicate otherwise, yeah, and I think sometimes, if you think about compartmentalizing your self-concept, a lot of people really have these different roles anddomains. life, but they consider themselves in maybe it's just a couple of areas where you feel like maybe I'm not quite figured out yet mm-hmm I tend to doubt myself a little bit more in this area and I'm not.
It doesn't mean you have horrible self-esteem all the time. It simply means that in a certain area of life you can question yourself a little more. It might be a bit of a shaky meaning, like you think you have a pretty good idea, but. So if you get an external reaction from someone, it makes you doubt, wait, maybe I'm not that well developed here or wow, what would they think of me if that happened? You know, it just makes you question it more instead of it coming from a more internalized stable place where you're like ah, even though they're giving me this reaction, I still feel very, very good about exactly where I am in this particular area of my life, yes, one of the first questions was if it was true or false.
How you feel about yourself on a given day depends largely on situational factors, examples of what others say to you, how others respond to you, or what your weight is on the scale and I said true for that, yeah, yeah, I think if you left here today and Kyle said, it's so good to see you. I'll feel better if you leave here and I said this is the last time I want to see you. I would feel very bad. Still, I'm very affected by people's perception and opinions, I guess. Me, which I didn't think I was really, but I think I am now that I've really looked into it and I think that also contributes to being someone who is really good at being in tune with other people and likes to look for observations of social interactions like There are really good things associated with that, but when it becomes too much, it can lead you to question yourself more than you really need to, because when someone responds a certain way, you automatically take responsibility, like you're waiting, did I do something? it's wrong to make them feel this way or act this way rather than, for example, maybe they're just in a bad mood and it has nothing to do with me, you're more likely to think well, what did I do?
In this situation, certainly, for me that is a better way to live life than someone who always thinks he has no responsibility and never thinks he is to blame, but as you can see, it takes more to end up, so Your mood and the way you feel about yourself may be more variable throughout the day and that can be a little distressing because when you don't feel good about yourself, you are more likely to be impulsive. maybe do something to escape a distressing feeling things that may not be the healthiest for you maybe eat junk food.
I mean, everyone's presentation is different once they recognize that link, but in general, if you don't feel good about yourself, you're more likely to do things that maybe also don't respect this idea that if I care about myself I love myself, I'm going to dedicate more energy to my self-care, for example, but if I don't feel good, then screw it. self care today I'm not going to take care of myself, so sometimes that can happen if it goes to the extreme. Do you find that most people weigh more in LIF or II, so do I really find that there is a difference and do I find that for some people certain combinations are more likely to occur together many times L and I occur together sometimes a concept of lower self comes from childhood messages yes, I find that fear of the unknown and excessive need for control sometimes also go hand in hand because Again, if you have an excessive need for control, part of that you may not you like the unknown, you want to be able to control every element of your life, yes, but me too, someone's okay, just a splash, some people will say We are the 4 and some people will say, well, it's me and then I'm easy, like this that there is no complete pattern, although I find that L and I tend to coexist for many people and F&E becomes. for simultaneous flow to occur, so I'm sure everyone will see this.
Go to dr. Judy Hakam so they can see where they can improve, but how do people actually interpret these results? So let's say you scored a 5 out of 5 on any of the pillars and now you know that this is an area of your life that you could improve on in the pond, but then how do you actually go about improving? Yeah, once you figure out what underlying factor is responsible for your sabotage, it's those LIF years and everything before, then we start with the actual prescription, how do we actually fix the problem? problem and it all starts with your thoughts because thoughts come from every emotion at every moment, even if you are not aware of them, most of the time we are not aware of our thoughts, we were only aware of the negative emotion that occurs when we are not we like the excitement or we do something that we later regret if they were good why don't we do it but we don't think about the fact that there was a thought that preceded all that and it is that interpretation of any event or any stressor or any whatever was happening in your life that led you to feel those feelings and act that way, so an example I give is that the same thing can happen to two people and have very different responses, so two people can be fired on same day and person one is panicking, he has a thought, oh my God, what am I going to do for money?
How am I going to deal with my family? and immediately their emotional responses are anguish, anger, sadness and that can lead them to isolate and seclude themselves, perhaps doing something unhealthy to try to escape those negative emotions. Person 2 has a thought, oh well that's disappointing, but I didn't really like this job much anyway and maybe this is my time to explore what else is out there. immediately that emotional response is totally different, maybe a little sense of relief, maybe a little bit of sadness, but also maybe a feeling of excitement, yeah, and then maybe that person actually starts planning a little vacation, maybe look for different job opportunities so you can see that.
They can totally diverge in terms of their emotional and behavioral responses even though it is the same event, so what is different is their thought process, so we need to tune into our thoughts, we have over 50,000 thoughts in a day, well , that's the average for an average person. So if you think too much, it might be more than that, but our brains can't process it all, it would be crazy to process all that, so your brain starts ignoring things that have happened over and over again, so whatever. from negative thoughts about yourself internalized beliefs fears about the unknown maybe your controlling tendencies those things have happened so many times that your brain says oh, it's not new information, so it doesn't pay attention to it, but it still attacks your emotions and their behaviors, so the first thing is to really look at those thoughts, identify the ones that are contributing to your sabotage and then come up with a plan to change those behaviors and tolerate the distressing emotions that accompany them, and all of that is in your book stops so It's a six-step plan that's based on evidence that supports that's what I need You have to give me plans You have to give me steps Dad hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay I'm leaving you with that list of practical things to do and that's why I can't wait to dive into this book.
I have the benefit of knowing you, we have worked a lot together in medical medicine and I have learned a lot from you, so I know that this is just more of what is here. and what is here is already very good for you, not for me. I need more than you have, so I think this will really give people that road map they need to get rid of those blocks that they may or may not know they have. Yeah, that's exactly right for me, it's about concrete solutions because this idea of self-sabotage, people even use that terminology, they say I self-sabotage my diet and then it's like they don't do anything about it, so my goal was destigmatize it.
It's universal, it has biological and evolutionary roots, so let's get over it. Yes, we all do it sometimes, but if it becomes a chronic pattern for you, how can we fix it? It's about digging deeper into what your thoughts consist of and then. make a concrete plan to re-engage the part of you that feels excited about achieving that goal and really hone your motivation and really change the way you think and act so you can finally live the life you wanted to live. life you wanted to live all the good things dr. Judy and I did my all-time favorite series on Med Circle on acceptance and commitment therapy.
You talk about practical advice and insights about your life that you didn't even know you wanted. It is in that series that we will give you a preview. Of that at this moment there is also a self as a context and what that means is that there is a kind of continuous you that diminishes your need to attach yourself to a certain moment in time, a certain thought, a certain feeling, a certain experience, a certain difficulty, it's not you mmm. It's not really you, but most of us feel inundated by the selfish content that moment of suffering, oh my God, this will never end, this is horrible, but you know what it is that at some point you weren't suffering with us and at some point in the future you will not suffer with us either and in reality this is just a discrete moment where as the US the context is always there, it is always safe and in fact that is you who You can engage in this will work without being so afraid because you realize that there is an intact version of your spouse, yes, I have seen you in all your ups and downs, in all your happy in terrible times and it is still there, it's okay, I really feel like my brain changes when you say that, it's so fun, I know I'm becoming an observer of my life in such a new way that it makes it a little easier for you to do. some of the work we have discussed as cunning, yes, because willpower is difficult when you are focused on the pain of the moment.
I should be willing. I should accept this, but I don't want to. It's so painful. Why not? just go and have a bottle of alcohol and drink some and go to sleep and don't remember it's there, that's more tempting right now, but if you're selfish, can you remember that this painful emotion or this painful experience is just a discrete self as a moment of content mm-hmm and it will pass like any other painful moment your life has passed mhm and the next time you remember yourself as context you could be in a completely different mode, yes, and that's a permanent thing . always there for you, yes, it makes the will work a little easier, yes, just knowing that the part of you like me as a context has survived everything you could see that series and more when you go to the dot-com medical circle now dr.
Judy, you have a long list of accomplishments and you also find time to give back and make a billion media appearances and write a book and all those things that are working for dr. Judy, well I think a lot of this is about guiding myself towards my values every day, that's really important to me because we're a goal-driven society and goals are important, but only if they're rooted in your values, they're connected. with things. that is the most important thing for you, so values are not things that you can cross off a list, you can do that with goals, but with values there are things that are basically your direction in life, they are the things that you want your life represents. when you go, what you want to be remembered for and it's really about digging deep to find out what is most important to you, what is it that you really want to do on a daily basis that makes you feel good about yourself inside.
People have all kinds of different values, they can be things like honesty, adventure, achieving wisdom, having community spirituality, just to name a few, there are thousands of different values, but in my book I list 33 of the most common values and if not If you're sure what your values are, you can do an exercise that's also available on my website for free called sorting value cards so you can play a little game of solitaire with yourself, but with these value cards and you sort them in order of importance from most important to least important value and then you would take the top five cards, your top five values, and ask yourself when was the last time you cultivated each of these values and when do you really think about your life that way? , it really changes your approach to life. and I start with a reflection every morning, even if it's just two o'clock, okay, do I really do that?
Because you know how people show up on TV and they're like, yeah, you know about balance and blah blah, and we know I know you, girl. I'm just saying that because you're on TV, yeah, you brightened your morning, yeah, and I don't remember when it started, but it's been at least two years and you want to anchor that period of reflection with something that always happens every morning, so I might be with your morning coffee or the moment you wake up, you just get out of bed and grab your journal, whatever your activity isof reflection and people, so I think it's a reflection of you, but with your personality you can think of the one that works best for you for some people generally for some people it's reading like a page or two and a self-improvement book for some people is reading an inspirational quote or two and thinking about it for other people is reflecting on your values and thinking Okay, what are my top three values that I want to do something about today?
Today it is community. Okay, what can I do for a community? It doesn't have to be something huge if your value is community, it's not like organizing. a fundraising event, but it could be just calling my mom, you know the Kesava community, so we take it to a place where we can start doing it daily because then the rest of the day will just flow, yeah, and then , whenever you want. you face a challenge, you just remember what you wanted to represent, yes, and then it will reorient you on the right path and help you make decisions more easily. project and if something does not end in your favor, you were still committed to your values, exactly that It has to make you feel good, what's so important?
Because when you think about values, if you really want to appreciate your values, it's not always easy. I walk like your value is honesty oh someone you're going to feel pretty bad about reaching out to that one yeah but if you know it's important to you then you do it anyway despite the heartbreak and that's what's really important about the first two values-based works. values the two main values, spirituality and community, for me at least today, well, a couple of days ago it was spirituality and health, you know, I mean, it really depends, sometimes you have a rotating list of values, there are a few that come up in the top five all the time, but then they can be ordered differently depending on what's going on in your life, so it's always good to do a daily assessment or at least a weekly assessment of what they are.
Yes, honesty and transparency for me, I know them. They are somewhat similar, but I need to order the value cards on your website. I want to know from you what your value is, your number one, and of course it can change, but right now, as you're watching this, what is number one for? You, I would be fascinated to know, thank you Dr. Judy for being here, so much wisdom. I just have to keep sitting down to take it all in because you're having so much fun and Tally seems like her values are rest, play, food, friends, you know?
Callie has to figure it out, we have to be more like her, that's right, thanks for watching. I'm Kyle Kittleson and remember, whatever you're going through, you've got this.
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