2020 Democratic Debate - SNL

AND NOW MSNBC'S SPECIAL COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE. HELLO. I'M RACHEL MADDOW AND WE'RE LIVE FROM THE TYLER PERRY STUDIOS IN ATLANTA. HELLO AND GOOD AFTERNOON. I WANT TO START THE DEBATE WITH THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND: WHO CAN BEAT DONALD TRUMP? --- ME, ME, ME. MY HAND... MY HAND CAME UP FIRST. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY, BUT GO ON. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. LOOK, I KNOW IN PREVIOUS DEBATES I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF BEING OVERLY AMBITIOUS, RIGHT? I HAVE MOM PRESENTING THANKSGIVING ENERGY. I'M A LITTLE BORED BECAUSE I THOUGHT TEN PEOPLE CAME AND NOW THERE ARE 30 MILLION.

BUT I PROMISE DINNER WILL BE READY IF YOU GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. AND OF COURSE THIS THANKSGIVING I WILL BE COOKING MY SPECIALTY. MAYBE YOU DON'T SAY IT. THE FOOD OF MY ANCESTORS. I'M GOING TO SAY IT -- CORN. OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE, LIZ. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE IN GOOD MOOD TONIGHT, SENATOR HARRIS. OH, I AM. AM. THE FUN IS BACK, BABY. AMERICA'S FUNNY AUNT. I'M ALSO AMERICA'S COOLEST AUNT. THE C - YOU KNOW, LET'S NOT DO THAT. I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THE ELECTION NUMBERS. I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN AND SEE IF I CAN HAVE SOME VIRAL MOMENTS.

MOM NEEDS A "GIF". I'm going to tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. ♪♪♪ MAYOR PETE, YOU LOOK ADORABLE IN YOUR LITTLE SUIT TONIGHT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. She is FROM MY FIRST COMMUNION. YOU ARE POLLING TO ZERO WITH BLACK VOTERS. ANY IDEA WHY? MAYBE JUST FOR THIS. SENATOR SANDERS, YOU'RE LOOKING -- YES, YES, YES. I WANT TO START BY THANKING EVERYONE FOR THE WELL WISHES. I HAD A HEART ATTACK-ACK-ACK-ACK. SO NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I AM BETTER THAN EVER. THE DOCTORS WERE SURPRISED THAT I MADE IT. AND I AM VERY PROUD THAT I WAS THE FIRST HEART ATTACK PATIENT TO ARRIVE AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM ON A CITY BUS.

LET'S GO NOW TO SENATOR KLOBUCHAR. THANK YOU, RACHEL. I know some of you think I'm shaking because I'm nervous, but that's just my trademark shaky outburst. IT'S MY SCRATCHY ANT SENSE EVERY TIME WE NEED A MODERATE TO SAY, "GIRL, WE CAN'T PAY FOR THAT." VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, ARE YOU SHOWING YOUR TEETH TO ME? I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW AMERICA, I SEE YOU. AND I SEE THE FACES EVERYONE MAKES WHEN I TALK. RE SCARED. SCARED, I WILL SAY SOMETHING DISCOLORED OR EVEN WORSE, COLORED. WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW IS THAT YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS ONE SECOND FROM CALLING CORY BOOKER "BARACK." GOOD.

I WOULD LIKE TO RESPOND, BUT FIRST BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I WILL BE TALKING ONLY I WANT TO SAY BLACK CHURCH, BARBER STORES, VEGETABLES, BEANS, TOMATOES, POTATOES. FOR VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, I WAS SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT HE DOES NOT SUPPORT THE LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA. IN FACT, REHEARSED JOKE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GIFTED WHEN YOU SAID THAT. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY FROM MY YOUTH, OR MAYBE FROM A MOVIE OR A CARTOON. I WAS WITH A FRIEND OF MINE WHO GOT SO HIT BY STICKY ICKY KUSH THAT HE SAYS, "I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.

WE SHOULD GO TO THE WHITE CASTLE." Next thing you know, KUMAR and I were flying around like kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that was before he was gay. THAT'S WHY I NEVER INFLATE THE THING. WE ALSO WANT TO WELCOME ANDREW YANG, WHO I CAN SAY IS ALREADY ANGRY BECAUSE HE HASN'T TALKED YET. NO, AT ALL. IT'S ME ANDREW YANG. I MEAN WHAT ABOUT MY YANG GANG? Hey, what do you say we do a yang gang bang, huh? I WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY TO ANNOUNCE MY VP, THE NEW TESLA CYBER TRUCK. WE ALSO WANT TO WELCOME TOM STEYER.

HELLO GUYS. I'm billionaire Tom Steyer. And I'm running for president for one simple reason: It's fun. AND IT TAKES ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. I'M SORRY, MR. STEYER. MY PRODUCERS TELL ME THEY HAVE TO BLINK. I HAVE TO DO WHAT? FLASHES. YOU HAVE TO BLINK AT SOME TIME. OH, NO, I DON'T. AND I WILL NOT DO IT. DID SOMEBODY SAID MILLIONAIRE? NO. MAYOR BLOOMBERG, HOW DID YOU GET HERE? WELL, TIP THE GOALKEEPER $30 MILLION. DOES THIS MEAN HE'S OFFICIALLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT? I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE. MAYBE NOT. She would be HARD TO BEAT. I WOULD LOVE TO SEE TRUMP SUPPORTERS INTRODUCE A CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT A JEWISH MULTIPLENARY WITH THEIR OWN MEDIA COMPANY.

GOOD LUCK MAKING THAT STUCK. AND INTRODUCING THE DISFAVORED CANDIDATE AND TONIGHT'S VILLAIN, TULSI GABBARD. THANK YOU, RACHEL. WHAT AN HONOR TO BE ON THIS STAGE WITH MY FELLOW CANDIDATES. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I SMELL YOUR FEAR AND IT MAKES ME STRONGER. I'M WEARING THE WHITE SUIT OF YOUR FALLEN HERO, HILLARY CLINTON. NOW FIGHT WITH ME, COWARDS. SENATOR HARRIS, DO YOU WANT TO RESPOND? TULSI, I'M GOING TO BE REAL WITH YOU. YOU SCARED ME A LOT. YOU JUST GIVE ME ERMAHGERD, GERSBERMPS. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FOR SENATOR KLOBUCHAR. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET FINANCING TO CONTINUE IN THIS CAREER?

I KNOW I CAN. I HAVE $17,000 FROM EX BOYFRIENDS. THE ONLY THING HE HAD TO DO WAS THREAT TO COME BACK INTO THEIR LIVES. GOOD. THIS BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S NEXT TOPIC, WHICH IS HEALTH CARE. GOOD. I don't know how you got the buzzers, but Bernie called first. HERE IS MY HEALTH CARE PLAN. NO CO-PAYMENT. NO POCKET EXPENSES. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a piece of "FLORENCE FOSTER JENKINS" film, which is so-so. AND OF COURSE, THE BUTTON ON THE BAG THAT COMES WITH THE PANTS. MOST PEOPLE THROW IT AWAY.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. HOLD ON TO IT. YOU NEVER KNOW. MR. STEYER, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. I WANT TO SPEAK DIRECTLY WITH YOU AMERICA. HEALTH CARE IS IMPORTANT. BUT HOUSING AFFECTS EVERYTHING: WHERE YOU SLEEP, WHERE YOU SHOP, WHERE YOU SHINE YOUR SHOES, WHERE YOU BUY JEWELRY, WHERE YOU RAISE PEACOCKS. AM I RELATABLE? MR. STEYER, I'm going to need you to take a step back. SORRY. AM I TOO CLOSE? DID SOMEONE SAID TOO CLOSE? BROTHER, LIKE YOUR STYLE. LOOK, I HAVE THE SUPPORT OF THE SAME COALITION THAT ELECTED OBAMA. BLACK AFRICAN AMERICANS. EVEN THE MEXITINOS, AND THE CORIENTALES.

HELL, THE ONLY BLACK WOMAN ELECTED TO THE SENATE BACKED ME. EXCUSE ME? NO, NO, JOE. THERE ARE TWO BLACK WOMEN ELECTED TO THE SENATE AND THAT SECOND BLACK WOMAN IS ME. ♪♪♪ IS THERE STILL TIME FOR ME TO ARRIVE LATE AND RUIN EVERYTHING? NO. WE HAVE TO MOVE ON TO THE FINAL STATEMENTS. WAIT, I NEED TO GIVE SOME SPANISH QUICKLY, BECAUSE MIGUEL BLOOMBERG IS ON FIRE. GOOD. THAT COUNTS AS A GOODBYE TO YOU. NOW WE WILL GO ON TO MAYOR BUTTIGIEG. UNITED STATES, I KNOW I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE MY SUPPORTERS ARE A DIVERSE COALITION, FROM YOUNG TO OLD, FROM GAY TO STRAIGHT, FROM WHITE TO EGGSHELL.

THANK YOU. TULSI GABBARD, TIME FOR HER FINAL STATEMENT. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THOSE DALMATIAN PUPPIES. GIVEN MY TIME. SENATOR KLOBUCHAR? LOOK, I COULD SAY A LOT ABOUT THE TOPICS WE'VE TALKED TONIGHT, BUT THE SAD THING IS THAT YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I'M SAYING BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST WATCHING MY HAIR DANCING IN MY FOREHEAD. EXCUSE ME, MY EYES ARE DOWN HERE, NOT UP HERE. SENATOR WARREN WHO BRINGS US TO YOU. HEY, HEY, IT'S NOVEMBER AND IT'S CURSE SEASON. You are single and over 30 years old and I am a solid choice. IF IT IS MARRYING, "F", KILLING, I AM AWARE THAT I AM NOT THE "F", BUT I AM DEFINITELY NOT THE KILLING ONE.

So come on, America, put a ring on it. SENATOR SANDERS? AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, MANY OF MY OPPONENTS LIKE TO FLASH THE WORD "SOCIALIST" AT ME. BUT LET ME ASK: IS IT FAIR THAT ONLY THE TOP 2% GET A FREE BISCOTTI WITH THEIR COFFEE? WE WOULD ALL LOVE A FREE BISCOTTI. YOU IMMERSE IT. YOU MAKE IT WET. IT'S DELICIOUS. So if that's socialism, sign me up. TELL ME THIS. IS IT FAIR THAT WHEN THE TOP 2% WANT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS IN THEIR BEDROOM THE ONLY THING THEY HAVE TO DO IS APPLAUD? THEY HAVE THE CLAPPET.

SHOULDN'T WE ALL HAVE CLAPERERS? EITHER EVERYONE HAS A CLAPPER OR NOBODY HAS A CLAPPER, AND THAT'S THE AMERICAN I WANT TO LIVE. VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN? THE HEARINGS HAVE MADE CLEAR THAT DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT WANT ME TO BE THE NOMINEE. VLADIMIR PUTIN DOES NOT WANT ME TO BE THE NOMINEE. NO ONE IN THE UNITED STATES WANTS ME TO BE THE NOMINEE. BUT I AM CONFIDENT THAT I CAN WIN THE ELECTIONS IN 2016. AND SENATOR HARRIS, YOUR CLOSING STATEMENT? THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NEEDS TO STOP TAKING BLACK WOMEN FOR FOLLOWED, SPECIFICALLY ONE BLACK WOMAN: ME. NOW. YOU SAID YOU WOULD VOTE FOR ME. ♪♪♪ WELL, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.

Tom, get us out. GOOD GAME, GOOD GAME. GOOD GAME, GOOD GAME.